all of April...approx. 3 weeks post-op

So pretty much all of April spent on this orthognatic surgery and recovery...and I still feel as though I'll never fully recover. Maybe in a few years.

I am going back to work tomorrow. I'm a little scared b/c it's a law office and so naturally, things get tense now and then and sometimes down right hellish. I hope that won't be the case tomorrow, esp. b/c I don't even know if I can sit at a desk for 3 hours straight and work. I'm going in mid-morning to mid-afternoon. I don't know how long this arrangement will have to go on, but I was thinking a slow comeback would be best. Like easing into scalding water, or boiling a frog by slowly heating the water, not throwing it into boiling water. Part of my reasoning is that it won't be so jarring to the core of my being to ease into work, but most importantly, I really don't know if I can physically handle a full day just yet.

My lower front teeth really hurts alot these days. My upper teeth may hurt too, but I have no sensation in my upper teeth or the roof of my mouth so I can't tell.

On Monday, my doctor declared that my mouth looks "beautiful" and it relieved me to think that things went nicely. He almost let me skip a week of follow-up, but then thought better of it and said I'll need to come in for x-rays and a follow-up next Monday, but the week after that, I can take off. He said most of my stitches along the lower jaw fell out/melted away but I still have some stitches holding on in my upper mouth. If I lift my top lip off my teeth w/ my fingers, I can see a white stitch, like the tail of some small rodent hiding from me. All of the stitches that fell out of the back of my mouth a week or so ago were brown, and the ones in the sink when I brushed and rinsed were brownish-pink. I'm now wondering if they were blood-soaked and were forever dyed that icky color. But on the other hand, the one I can see in the front might be bleached by now, and it probably didn't get soaked with blood continually like the ones in the back.
I think of how for the first week and a half I absolutely needed to have a garbage can and tissues and paper towels or plastic-backed liners on or next to me all night long. And I would wake up like 5 times a night on average to wipe up blood that drizzled out of a nostril or ran in my mouth. It was like I slept so lightly I could feel the blood oozing around. Not a pleasant thought, but that was what it was. I remember the day after I got home, I was sitting in bed and turned and leaned a little and out of no where my left nostril had a heavy stream of something and I squealed for a tissue b/c my mom was in my room but it was too late and I ended up catching most of the sticky brownish liquid in my hand. And some got on my bed. Ick. It was not opaque, but it was definitely sticky, and though fluid it did not share the viscosity of water. I'm sure it smelled funky too. My doctor told me it was probably one the blood clots in the back rooms of my nasal passages that was draining. And sure enough, I had a steady week of nightly brown ooze from my nose. It was not pretty and it surely woke me up every night.
I also bled nightly, bright red blood. My nose in the mornings and afternoons would be filled with blood-boogers. I sometimes didn't realize that I was trickling blood out of my nose pretty constantly, but it was there every afternoon and morning. And I wasn't even blowing my nose b/c I was told not to in the hospital (not that I had tissues at hand or had the energy to blow through my nose). I didn't know when the ban on blowing my nose ended, so I still haven't blown my nose yet. I just rolled bits of tissues and swiped inside my nose to clear things out when things got clogged. Sometimes that didn't help b/c the clog was beyond the reach of any tool I could use.
But now, I can proudly say I need not have a rubbish bin and tissues by me when I sleep. I still feel more secure when I have a tsp. of tylenol with codeine elixir and a half-cup of water next to me when I go to bed. I still wake up every night whimpering with pain. Not a pretty look for a young lady, but what can I do? I can't eve lied down flat on a bed yet. I took a bath today and decided to dunk my head back and boy did that hurt my lower jaw...I have no idea why. And things hurt when the pressure shifts, so I still sleep on a sleep ramp created w/ pillows and cushions.
Oh, and on Monday, my doctor gave me a new prescription for an antibiotic that's supposed to help harden my bones. I'm supposed to take it morning and night, twice daily beginning next week for two weeks. So on to more meds.

In some TMI news, my bowel movements have become more irregular. I didn't go for about a week after the surgery, but then for the next week, I was regular with this sludgy not-quite-diarrhea stuff that was almost black and reminded me of slime. It took like 5 flushes to get rid of it too, quite nasty. But for the past week, the wastes have been getting lighter in color and more shaped. Tonight, things looked almost normal but still kinda dark and sticky on the porcelain, but I got smart and now line the inside w/ tp before I go, so things go down in one flush. Save water, save the earth. Go Green!

3 weeks in, I'm wondering what other ppl do for nutrition. I'm still on a no-chew diet, but today I tried some bits of noodles and a yolk of a poached egg. I made a ton of this veggies-and-grains thing in a crock pot that took like 2 nights of slow cooking and an hour pureeing. I'm sure under normal circumstances, I'll like it alot. But now, I can't really taste things well and it's just gross. My mom added milk, some butter and salt to it to make it better. And it's sweeter now, and though I normally don't eat butter (I don't act like I'm allergic, but it's not what I choose to add to my food either), I'm thinking it's helping me keep my weight on. I also took to mixing in a couple tablespoons of guacamole into this soup thing, b/c the lime and spices brighten the flavor a little. But I find that I have trouble eating, like I'd feel full after like half a cup of puree. I think maybe it's the extra butter and guacamole in there, b/c of the extra fat, my body isn't liking it. I feel like the gag reflexes I had my sophomore year in college is going to come back. When I was a sophomore in college, I had an internal gauge of when I needed to stop eating. I'd suddenly have a strong gag reflex and that'll be the end of my meal. I couldn't force myself to eat another bite, much like early pregnancy, or so I was told. I was just weak and my defenses/immune system was down and couldn't handle nutrition well. So I think it's a similar situation. I tried to add balsamic vinegar to a bit of soup yesterday, but I also added some olive oil and that too was too much for me. The b.vin helped me fool myself that the brown color was b/c of the additives...and ate quickly but my brain wised up and knew the color was already brown, just darkened by the vinegar.
I am trying to eat some Activia yogurt every day. I also drink chicken broth every day. It's the broth from two spring chickens boiled w/ lots of water, like $30 worth of fresh American mountain ginseng (which makes it slightly bitter, but helps w/ energy and circulation and healing), garlic and dried jujube dates. It's a variation of Korean SamGaeTang, which is a spring chicken stuffed with dried jujube dates, some ginseng, garlic and sweet rice and boiled. It's really great for cold winters and for mid-summers when ppl feel droopy. Mine doesn't have the sweet rice that cooks into a sticky, sticky ball b/c I can't eat it. So some good comes from having an OMD mom...nutrition and additional herbal help.

Confession: I lied to my doctor about my weight loss. And it was all premeditated. It's a pretty lame thing to lie about, I'm sure. But I got scared he'd scold me if I lost too much weight b/c he was stressing how I need to eat every time he came to see me in the hospital. He even came over to observe my first or second meal in the ICU, after my 24-hour ban from anything going down my esophagus. And he came to make sure I was eating once I was in a regular room. He said that I needed to eat and show him that I can take care of myself so he can release me from the hospital and know that I'll get better. And then the Monday after the surgery, my first follow-up visit, he again stressed how I needed to eat or I'll disappear and I won't heal correctly. So I had this idea that if I lost weight, then I wouldn't heal correctly and my bones will warp and my jaws will forever be held on only by bone screws and never meld w/ the rest of my skull. He didn't say this, but this is what I imagined.
So I lied on Monday that I lost 5 lbs, when I really lost more like 6-7 lbs. It's not like I lied about a 10 lb difference. And much to my relief, he said that's okay and he'll even be okay with up to 10 lbs. But then yesterday morning, I had a bowel movement and weighed myself while waiting for the microwave to heat up my bowl of slow-cooked, veggies-and-grains puree, and I was 8 lbs down! I felt bad about lying to my doctor. I even tried to sound like I was doing the best job possible about eating, talking about mashed avocados (the guacamole) and he lauded the quality of vitamins, minerals and healthy fats in avocados. He seemed pleased, and I felt good about the little lie. But seeing how my teensy lie turned out to be bigger, I felt bad. But still w/in the acceptable 10 lbs, right?
I weighed myself again this evening after dinner, before my bowl movement, and I had lost approx 7 lbs, so I'm good on weight. I mean, I gained 5 lbs just for the ordeal and took iron pills for 2 weeks pre-op! So I'm down to normal and it's not like I'm a feather weight either. I'm still w/in healthy BMI ranges. Actually probably more so now that I lost those extra 5 lbs I had gained.

So, if anyone is reading these posts at all, I'd love new tips on things I can slurp in with a dessert spoon. And maybe even portable foods that aren't too messy now that I'll be returning to work. I will definitely carry my compulsory bottle of chocolate Ensure Plus and eat a breakfast.

I tried the mashed bananas with nutmeg, cinnamon and vanilla yogurt that someone else had posted and it was sooo yummy! I also tried half a small banana with some chocolate pudding and cinnamon and that was almost like a banana split.

I think that's it...for today.