What part of "I don't want to date" don't they understand? Sheesh. WTF?
I heard my aunt talking to my mom this morning in the living room as I was getting ready for work, and she was saying how she wants to set me up with one of her friends' sons. I'm not interested. I don't care how rich the family is, it's not what I want to do. In fact, that guy my friend introduced me to, who's been in Korea an even shorter time than me, seems to be thinking that this is some sort of a set-up intro, not the "friends of mine, you're both Korean-Americans who are new to Seoul, meet up and rant about your frustrations" intro that I thought my college friend meant. I'm kinda weirded out. I don't want to be rude, or to rebuff a friendship, but I really am not interested in dating. Sorry. Not in Korea, this is not permanent and I'm not looking to settle down.
Back to my aunt. She brought my mom a couple things to take back to the US, she's my dad's younger sister, immediately below him in age-order, and I believe the same age as my mom. The store she owns is across the street from where my brother and I live, and she parks in our building. My mom was asking her where a good dentist is, and where to find a few things my mom is looking for. But she just had to start talking about me and my cousins that she's interested in setting up and marrying off. WHY?
Here's why I really don't want to go along with this. My aunt's a little peeved that one of my male cousins rejected such a set-up by the parents/parents' friends and connections (called "suhn" or 선 in Korean), on the account that the girl was a little chubby. My aunt attended that same girl's wedding this past April and she was so upset that my male cousin rejected the girl after 1 meeting on account of her being a little chubby, because apparently the family is a great family that controls the fruits and vegetables that are distributed to all the markets around Korea, are great Christians and give generously to charitable causes (indicating good hearts), and the girl lost all her extra weight and was gorgeous on her wedding day. To be perfectly honest, I think my cousin should have given the girl a chance, met up with her a few more times, b/c to say he's not interested in her just b/c she was a little chubby at the time is very shallow of him. I'm kinda disappointed in him about that point, especially since her family seemed like such great people, not even counting the wealth b/c money is just money. My counsin is engaged to another girl now, and they're to marry in January or February of next year. She's nice enough, but she seems a little oblivious to the workings of the world, but her mom kinda stuck her nose in where she shouldn't have with my aunt, and now my aunt isn't happy with the way things turned out. I DON'T WANT SOMETHING LIKE THAT HAPPENING TO ME!
So, I want them to understand that I'm not interested in dating, and especially not interested in being set up. Frankly, my aunt will have another belly ache and complain some more a year or so later when that guy she set me up with marries some other girl and she thinks I've lost out on a great husband material. I actually don't think she even knows the guy in person, she knows his parents. So better not to even start. But now my mom wants me to just go meet him once, and to say no after that meeting, so my aunt doesn't go on about how I won't even listen to her and see this son of her friends. Nope. Sorry. I didn't come to Korea to be set up or to date around. I'm just not interested. I will pull out all my hair and act insane if they force me to go on these ridiculous set-ups by grown ups. F.that.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Friday, October 18, 2013
Shitty things, shockingly unethical
I knew that the "great people" we applaud and award prizes and awards and recognition to all stand on the shoulders of those who have come before them, either in public or behind the scenes. It's inevitable, eventually someone will get the recognition that they may not fully deserve. But it's shocking to the sense of ethics and justice to witness people take complete and full recognition for the works of others (especially for someone who listed "justice" as a passion in her high school senior graduation survey, among other things, that was quoted by the guidance counsellor's speach).
Plagarism is the worst evil in academics and, as someone who is a member of a very "academic" and "intellectual" profession such as law, I see plagarism to be the most offensive and cowardly act of anyone who has gone through the rigors of a formal legal education. One example of plagarism that one of my undergraduate professors have relayed to me is when a daughter and a current student submitted a paper that her mother had written. This act would have gone unnoticed except that the paper was submitted to the very same professor who read it the first time it was submitted. Yes, crazy idea, but it's happened in real life and that was described to me as plagarism. Both the mother and daughter were shamed, the dauther for plagarising, and the mother for permitting it and being a poor example to her daughter.
Now, you say that would never happen, right? Think again. It's happened. To me this very week. And it's demoralizing and I have lost respect for the partners I work for. Yes. I said it. If they happen upon this post and decide to fire me for defaming them, then 1) I have not named them so it'll be their guilt that turns them in, and 2) it's not defamation if it's true. Check the defition, assholes.
The legal profession, however different from the American legal education (here, I should correct myself and say the United State of America's Juris Doctorate program of study), is highly collaborative. Yes, there are solo lawyers and solo practicioners, but even they help each other out and cover for each other in court. I've seen it happen. But in a larger firm structure, to make sure there is no mistake uncaught, there are several pairs of eyes and several sets of brains all working on court filings and cases and deals. It's a wonder why JD students are prevented from collaboration in our first year legal writing memos and briefs, but that's a different discussion for a different day. So yes, there is plagarism to a degree in that the same stock motions and complaints and requests for arbitration and whatnot gets recycled with the new facts and perhaps the new case law (if someone does the additional research). That's firm property and part of the collaborative effort. Okay, fine. I've even drafted simple legal documents and power of attorneys using great examples of those that saved their work to the document management system, when I was a paralegal and was widely praised for my abilities to merge several great examples into one that is appropriate for our purposes.
That doesn't mean that anyone is off the hook for giving credit where it's due. Yes, the whole world jokes (only half jokingly) that lawyers are a dishonest, scumbag bunch. But I take the 2 oaths to be an ethical officer of the courts of Illinois and Georgia quite seriously. When I was a prosecutor and took that oath, I reminded myself of it as I made decisions on cases and even looked up the Brady case to make sure what I was doing wasn't violating someone else's rights. Ethics matter to me, and call me naive, but it should matter to everyone. If it didn't, why the charades? Everyone pretends to be ethical and upstanding and only those who play that facade well get to be respected.
Sharing of ideas, formats of court filings and boilerplate contract provisions, etc is undeniably distinct from a collection of information and research written for publication. The reason why professors at research universities are pressured to publish is because it is a way of showing that they are trustworthy sources of academic theories and they have done the work. It's a way of showing the work, to put it in math class terms. So it shows the world and the school administrators that the professor is good enough to teach the students that enroll at the school, and that the professor is deserving of the tenure track position, the office space and the honor they are receiving. BUT, if those ideas are all stolen, aka, plagarized, then it's all a sham, no? That professor is not only undeserving of the honor, the tenured position, the salary and the right to teach young minds as a member of that institution, but also is a thief and undesrving of respect from the academic community and their students and society in general.
In simpler words, you not only lose the recognition you unjustly and unethically held, but you also are debased even lower than if you had never had that recognition, because of your despicable actions.
So recap, we've established that 1) Plagarism is lowly, dispicable and unethical, 2) one form of plagarism is ursurping credit unfairly, 3) ethics is important, and 4) members of the legal community should be upstanding and ethical or at least those qualities are seen as a necessary component to gain respect.
With those 4 things in mind, consider what has happened. Two associates work tirelessly to complete the very difficult task of researching, gathering, digesting and regurgitating an area of legal practice that is still mostly unexplored. Essentially, to become experts on the topic for a moment and give fresh insight in the form of an article to be published by a publication that covers such topics across the world. Not easy, but the two associates give up their weekends with their families, to rest up from the week before and recharge their batteries and juggled their practice and participation in the religion of their choice, working into the wee hours of the night. Then two partners, one of whom put literally zero work or effort into the completed publication, and the other who gave suggestions and demanded extra research on unmentioned points, take full credit, as the only authors.
Now, they may think that the associates are paid a handsome salary. True, but compared to the hours spent on work the hourly or per diem rate is fairly low, and not even the relevant point here. If the partners believe that a simple payment of a salary is fair compesation for usurping credit from the proper parties, then that is the very definition of plagarism.
Recall that anecdote (true story, actually) I mentioned in the second paragraph, supra. The mother gave her daughter a paper she wrote for college and the duo were caught in the act of plagarism. Now, if instead of the mother giving it to her daughter, what if the mother paid someone to write the paper for her daughter? Or, to remove the mother entirely from this scenario, what if the daughter paid a "smart nerd" who she found on line, to write that paper for her. Is the daughter in any of these variations less guilty of plagarism? No. Plagarism is taking what you did not write and pretending that it your original work. That is plagarism of the whole.
The more common forms of plagarism is when a student intentionally or unintentionally copies an idea, a theory or a sentence from another source, published or unpublished, and fails to cite the proper source, and thus fails to give credit where it's due. I have a very, very intelligent friend who made this mistake, and it was an honest mistake. She missed a cite in a final paper in college. She went before the school ethics board and was suspended for a semester. She had dreams of going to medical school that she had to give up. She spent the next seven years in limbo, not able to attend medical school, working as research assistant at various medical school programs and for doctors, until she rebuilt her history and her credibility. An honest mistake that led to unintentional plagarism had such far-reaching negative impact on a young, well-meaning scholar. I can honestly say that she is one of the most billiant minds I have ever met in my life and it pained me to move on with my life as I saw her struggle, all for a simple mistake and a cold-hearted, stickler professor. Another professor we both knew and admired even went to her ethics board hearing to speak on her behalf, to testify that my friend is an upstanding student who she knew well to be honest and ethical. Thankfully, my friend's hard work paid off and she is now a medical student and despite the delay I see an amazing, passionate surgeon emerging in a few years. I am incredibly proud of her and very happy that she didn't let that misstep trip her up for life, and I admire the fighting spirit in her.
Those are the consequences of plagarism, even when it's unintended and as simple as a typo. Now go back to the work of the two associates and the theft of recognition by two partners, who may justify it with the fact that the associates are paid a salary. How is that different from the daughter paying someone else to write a paper on her behalf. Plagarism of the whole.
I daresay that intentional, blatant plagarism of the whole is far worse than the unintended mistake of a sleep-deprived college student during finals season. And the punishment should be proprotional to the severity of the bad act, here the unethical act. My friend suffered a seven year delay in starting her dream and her career. What do the partners deserve? I'm not asking what I know they'll get, but what do they deserve? It's not about how important this article is, how big or small of an impact it will have, but I'm talking about the principle and the ease with which they plagarized, and probably have done before.
It disgusts me to know it happens. It makes me sick that it's happened to me, and I have lost all respect for these two partners and it will make it difficult for me to put out the best work possible. A demoralized spirit is difficult to revive and no amount of financial compensation (bribery) will be able to make up for it. These people suck and I hope their fraud is discovered soon.
The longer I'm here, the more I experience this place, the less I like it. My fondness for the rare hardworking and honorable people I find here grows yet my general feeling towards this work place is that it's hostile and teeming with greed, insecurities and cowards. The sad part is that those cowards and insecure assholes are the ones in charge and I see no positive future here.
A veritable den of vipers, where sooner or later, you'll be bitten.
Plagarism is the worst evil in academics and, as someone who is a member of a very "academic" and "intellectual" profession such as law, I see plagarism to be the most offensive and cowardly act of anyone who has gone through the rigors of a formal legal education. One example of plagarism that one of my undergraduate professors have relayed to me is when a daughter and a current student submitted a paper that her mother had written. This act would have gone unnoticed except that the paper was submitted to the very same professor who read it the first time it was submitted. Yes, crazy idea, but it's happened in real life and that was described to me as plagarism. Both the mother and daughter were shamed, the dauther for plagarising, and the mother for permitting it and being a poor example to her daughter.
Now, you say that would never happen, right? Think again. It's happened. To me this very week. And it's demoralizing and I have lost respect for the partners I work for. Yes. I said it. If they happen upon this post and decide to fire me for defaming them, then 1) I have not named them so it'll be their guilt that turns them in, and 2) it's not defamation if it's true. Check the defition, assholes.
The legal profession, however different from the American legal education (here, I should correct myself and say the United State of America's Juris Doctorate program of study), is highly collaborative. Yes, there are solo lawyers and solo practicioners, but even they help each other out and cover for each other in court. I've seen it happen. But in a larger firm structure, to make sure there is no mistake uncaught, there are several pairs of eyes and several sets of brains all working on court filings and cases and deals. It's a wonder why JD students are prevented from collaboration in our first year legal writing memos and briefs, but that's a different discussion for a different day. So yes, there is plagarism to a degree in that the same stock motions and complaints and requests for arbitration and whatnot gets recycled with the new facts and perhaps the new case law (if someone does the additional research). That's firm property and part of the collaborative effort. Okay, fine. I've even drafted simple legal documents and power of attorneys using great examples of those that saved their work to the document management system, when I was a paralegal and was widely praised for my abilities to merge several great examples into one that is appropriate for our purposes.
That doesn't mean that anyone is off the hook for giving credit where it's due. Yes, the whole world jokes (only half jokingly) that lawyers are a dishonest, scumbag bunch. But I take the 2 oaths to be an ethical officer of the courts of Illinois and Georgia quite seriously. When I was a prosecutor and took that oath, I reminded myself of it as I made decisions on cases and even looked up the Brady case to make sure what I was doing wasn't violating someone else's rights. Ethics matter to me, and call me naive, but it should matter to everyone. If it didn't, why the charades? Everyone pretends to be ethical and upstanding and only those who play that facade well get to be respected.
Sharing of ideas, formats of court filings and boilerplate contract provisions, etc is undeniably distinct from a collection of information and research written for publication. The reason why professors at research universities are pressured to publish is because it is a way of showing that they are trustworthy sources of academic theories and they have done the work. It's a way of showing the work, to put it in math class terms. So it shows the world and the school administrators that the professor is good enough to teach the students that enroll at the school, and that the professor is deserving of the tenure track position, the office space and the honor they are receiving. BUT, if those ideas are all stolen, aka, plagarized, then it's all a sham, no? That professor is not only undeserving of the honor, the tenured position, the salary and the right to teach young minds as a member of that institution, but also is a thief and undesrving of respect from the academic community and their students and society in general.
In simpler words, you not only lose the recognition you unjustly and unethically held, but you also are debased even lower than if you had never had that recognition, because of your despicable actions.
So recap, we've established that 1) Plagarism is lowly, dispicable and unethical, 2) one form of plagarism is ursurping credit unfairly, 3) ethics is important, and 4) members of the legal community should be upstanding and ethical or at least those qualities are seen as a necessary component to gain respect.
With those 4 things in mind, consider what has happened. Two associates work tirelessly to complete the very difficult task of researching, gathering, digesting and regurgitating an area of legal practice that is still mostly unexplored. Essentially, to become experts on the topic for a moment and give fresh insight in the form of an article to be published by a publication that covers such topics across the world. Not easy, but the two associates give up their weekends with their families, to rest up from the week before and recharge their batteries and juggled their practice and participation in the religion of their choice, working into the wee hours of the night. Then two partners, one of whom put literally zero work or effort into the completed publication, and the other who gave suggestions and demanded extra research on unmentioned points, take full credit, as the only authors.
Now, they may think that the associates are paid a handsome salary. True, but compared to the hours spent on work the hourly or per diem rate is fairly low, and not even the relevant point here. If the partners believe that a simple payment of a salary is fair compesation for usurping credit from the proper parties, then that is the very definition of plagarism.
Recall that anecdote (true story, actually) I mentioned in the second paragraph, supra. The mother gave her daughter a paper she wrote for college and the duo were caught in the act of plagarism. Now, if instead of the mother giving it to her daughter, what if the mother paid someone to write the paper for her daughter? Or, to remove the mother entirely from this scenario, what if the daughter paid a "smart nerd" who she found on line, to write that paper for her. Is the daughter in any of these variations less guilty of plagarism? No. Plagarism is taking what you did not write and pretending that it your original work. That is plagarism of the whole.
The more common forms of plagarism is when a student intentionally or unintentionally copies an idea, a theory or a sentence from another source, published or unpublished, and fails to cite the proper source, and thus fails to give credit where it's due. I have a very, very intelligent friend who made this mistake, and it was an honest mistake. She missed a cite in a final paper in college. She went before the school ethics board and was suspended for a semester. She had dreams of going to medical school that she had to give up. She spent the next seven years in limbo, not able to attend medical school, working as research assistant at various medical school programs and for doctors, until she rebuilt her history and her credibility. An honest mistake that led to unintentional plagarism had such far-reaching negative impact on a young, well-meaning scholar. I can honestly say that she is one of the most billiant minds I have ever met in my life and it pained me to move on with my life as I saw her struggle, all for a simple mistake and a cold-hearted, stickler professor. Another professor we both knew and admired even went to her ethics board hearing to speak on her behalf, to testify that my friend is an upstanding student who she knew well to be honest and ethical. Thankfully, my friend's hard work paid off and she is now a medical student and despite the delay I see an amazing, passionate surgeon emerging in a few years. I am incredibly proud of her and very happy that she didn't let that misstep trip her up for life, and I admire the fighting spirit in her.
Those are the consequences of plagarism, even when it's unintended and as simple as a typo. Now go back to the work of the two associates and the theft of recognition by two partners, who may justify it with the fact that the associates are paid a salary. How is that different from the daughter paying someone else to write a paper on her behalf. Plagarism of the whole.
I daresay that intentional, blatant plagarism of the whole is far worse than the unintended mistake of a sleep-deprived college student during finals season. And the punishment should be proprotional to the severity of the bad act, here the unethical act. My friend suffered a seven year delay in starting her dream and her career. What do the partners deserve? I'm not asking what I know they'll get, but what do they deserve? It's not about how important this article is, how big or small of an impact it will have, but I'm talking about the principle and the ease with which they plagarized, and probably have done before.
It disgusts me to know it happens. It makes me sick that it's happened to me, and I have lost all respect for these two partners and it will make it difficult for me to put out the best work possible. A demoralized spirit is difficult to revive and no amount of financial compensation (bribery) will be able to make up for it. These people suck and I hope their fraud is discovered soon.
The longer I'm here, the more I experience this place, the less I like it. My fondness for the rare hardworking and honorable people I find here grows yet my general feeling towards this work place is that it's hostile and teeming with greed, insecurities and cowards. The sad part is that those cowards and insecure assholes are the ones in charge and I see no positive future here.
A veritable den of vipers, where sooner or later, you'll be bitten.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Friday/Saturday Midnight...
Still at the office on a Friday night...now Saturday morning. Eating the other half of my $35 meal...Squid Ink Risotto from Grove Lounge. It's cold now. And it's a little on the fishy side, but I figure the Koreans probably like it this way.
Korean women (maybe men too, but haven't been in their bathroom) brush their teeth after lunch every day, and keep a toothbrush at the office. Actually, I was puzzled at first when I saw tubes of toothpaste at the bathroom sinks, and I thought someone must have left it there. But I think it's actually provided by the company or the building and there are multiple tubes of the same toothpaste at both sink areas on either side of the women's room. I see many of the secretaries keep their toothbrush in a cup in the cabinet under the bathroom sink. I don't brush my teeth after lunch. I feel like an uncivilized monster, only brushing my teeth twice a day, as recommended by the ADA.
Then, I wonder what Korean women (and possibly men) do after they go out to dinner? Do they carry a toothbrush around?
Korean women (maybe men too, but haven't been in their bathroom) brush their teeth after lunch every day, and keep a toothbrush at the office. Actually, I was puzzled at first when I saw tubes of toothpaste at the bathroom sinks, and I thought someone must have left it there. But I think it's actually provided by the company or the building and there are multiple tubes of the same toothpaste at both sink areas on either side of the women's room. I see many of the secretaries keep their toothbrush in a cup in the cabinet under the bathroom sink. I don't brush my teeth after lunch. I feel like an uncivilized monster, only brushing my teeth twice a day, as recommended by the ADA.
Then, I wonder what Korean women (and possibly men) do after they go out to dinner? Do they carry a toothbrush around?
Monday, September 2, 2013
Longest 2 Months of my Life
It's been the longest two months of my life. Three if you count June.
I had other strange Korean things list, but I'll do that later. It's 3:15 am here in Seoul, fyi. I'm still at work, fyi. And I wish with all my might that I was back in the US, whatever job I'd have at this point. Probably the same ADA position in Savannah, trying to get back to Atl, maybe weaseling my way into a Solicitor General's Office in the Atl metro area.
I signed a 24 month contract, and I've completed 2 of those 24 months. But I feel like it should be more than that. I am so tired. I am so lonely and often heartbroken. And as he inches away, the chasm in my heart grows. I kept telling myself that I need to wait it out, give it a fair chance, but I keep wondering, still, if I've made a prudent choice. Did I allow myself to be wooed by the siren call of a biglaw job, the title of an "international" lawyer? Perhaps. Is 2 months long enough, fair enough for me to judge the situation? Or need I wait a few more months before I make up my mind?
I've accepted long ago that I'll never have a true home on this earth. Since then, more recently, I've longed for a home of a different kind, something, someone, to anchor me to a location, to give me a reason to stay instead of flitting away to the next destination. I'm just so tired, and I think if my heart had a home, it won't be so bad that my body doesn't have a home.
I had other strange Korean things list, but I'll do that later. It's 3:15 am here in Seoul, fyi. I'm still at work, fyi. And I wish with all my might that I was back in the US, whatever job I'd have at this point. Probably the same ADA position in Savannah, trying to get back to Atl, maybe weaseling my way into a Solicitor General's Office in the Atl metro area.
I signed a 24 month contract, and I've completed 2 of those 24 months. But I feel like it should be more than that. I am so tired. I am so lonely and often heartbroken. And as he inches away, the chasm in my heart grows. I kept telling myself that I need to wait it out, give it a fair chance, but I keep wondering, still, if I've made a prudent choice. Did I allow myself to be wooed by the siren call of a biglaw job, the title of an "international" lawyer? Perhaps. Is 2 months long enough, fair enough for me to judge the situation? Or need I wait a few more months before I make up my mind?
I've accepted long ago that I'll never have a true home on this earth. Since then, more recently, I've longed for a home of a different kind, something, someone, to anchor me to a location, to give me a reason to stay instead of flitting away to the next destination. I'm just so tired, and I think if my heart had a home, it won't be so bad that my body doesn't have a home.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
the importance of...Credit History
So, I just received a call from a credit card company affiliated with one of the banks in Korea I have an account with. Actually, the only account that I have any money in, b/c my monthly salary is deposited into that account. They have agreed to issue a credit card to me. After long last, after dealing with Hyundai Card, who gave me a box of chocolates stamped w/ their logo and a pen in a box, took photocopies of my passport, one of my bar licenses, and 2 copies of the proof of employment my firm issued, oh and front and back copies of my foreigner registration ID card, then rejected my application via phone call, and to date have not replied to my request to return these sensitive documents or affirm that they've destroyed it all by shredding. I'm kinda scared of what that "card sales man" is going to do w/ my ID info. He could be printing fake copies of my passport and selling them to excon-mongols for all I know.
But for now, I am happy that the Korean banking community has accepted me, with however low of a credit limit they will limit me to. As long as it'll handle one month of subway, taxi and lunch expenses for me it'll do for now. I was tempted to just get a Chase Sapphire card and go for the choice of NOT having to pay any foreign currency exchange fees (but I am a greedy one and I like to have my cash back rewards and free currency exchange fees, which they're not offering). Anyways, I am a recognizable human consumer in Korea now. I will drink my $5 small black coffee and eat my odd renditions of plain white bread and pork belly with pride, and pay for my own cab rides with glee...once my credit card arrives to my office in a week or so.
In strange/exciting news, an atty I met at a DC airport coming back from a wondrous, rainy yet exuberant spring break in Rome w/ Donna three years ago, is going to be the new director of the US Patent Office (and under secretary of commerce for intellectual property). I must motivate myself to work hard, become a recognizable tour-de-force in whatever I do...I guess for now that's Int'l Arb.
And then there are days when I just want to curl up w/ a cup of tea and my soft doggie and grin at the world and their rat race, as I excuse myself from the senselessness of it all. It's all made up, this striving, striving, striving. I haven't met one person who can define the Pursuit of Happiness or what Success is empirically. So in the end we're all participating in the pursuit of the most delicious food, the pursuit of the most money that can be made, the pursuit of the biggest/smallest/prettiest/loudest car/stereo equipment/dog/cat/novelty item, the pursuit of recognition from other insecure mortals, and on and on.
I waxed a little philosophical just there...but then, the way the rich and the large corporations waste money just for looks while just a few feet away the socially invisible creatures count the meager pennies in their pockets and hope their kids won't go hungry that night, or that they could afford a sufficient winter coat in time for winter. I'm guilty of it too. I'm too lazy to take the subway b/c I get lost on it in the mornings so I take a cab, which also allows me to leave home a little later so I can put off admitting that I too need to get to work, and work for my keep.
Well, I hope to be comforted by the humanity I still have and the integrity I salvage at the end of my corporate life, however long that may extend. I hope never to take comfort in the money in the bank b/c in the end it's just money and even money is a made up concept, only meaningful to us humans, a black box in our cyborg connections, just like that credit card that's being issued to my name.
But for now, I am happy that the Korean banking community has accepted me, with however low of a credit limit they will limit me to. As long as it'll handle one month of subway, taxi and lunch expenses for me it'll do for now. I was tempted to just get a Chase Sapphire card and go for the choice of NOT having to pay any foreign currency exchange fees (but I am a greedy one and I like to have my cash back rewards and free currency exchange fees, which they're not offering). Anyways, I am a recognizable human consumer in Korea now. I will drink my $5 small black coffee and eat my odd renditions of plain white bread and pork belly with pride, and pay for my own cab rides with glee...once my credit card arrives to my office in a week or so.
In strange/exciting news, an atty I met at a DC airport coming back from a wondrous, rainy yet exuberant spring break in Rome w/ Donna three years ago, is going to be the new director of the US Patent Office (and under secretary of commerce for intellectual property). I must motivate myself to work hard, become a recognizable tour-de-force in whatever I do...I guess for now that's Int'l Arb.
And then there are days when I just want to curl up w/ a cup of tea and my soft doggie and grin at the world and their rat race, as I excuse myself from the senselessness of it all. It's all made up, this striving, striving, striving. I haven't met one person who can define the Pursuit of Happiness or what Success is empirically. So in the end we're all participating in the pursuit of the most delicious food, the pursuit of the most money that can be made, the pursuit of the biggest/smallest/prettiest/loudest car/stereo equipment/dog/cat/novelty item, the pursuit of recognition from other insecure mortals, and on and on.
I waxed a little philosophical just there...but then, the way the rich and the large corporations waste money just for looks while just a few feet away the socially invisible creatures count the meager pennies in their pockets and hope their kids won't go hungry that night, or that they could afford a sufficient winter coat in time for winter. I'm guilty of it too. I'm too lazy to take the subway b/c I get lost on it in the mornings so I take a cab, which also allows me to leave home a little later so I can put off admitting that I too need to get to work, and work for my keep.
Well, I hope to be comforted by the humanity I still have and the integrity I salvage at the end of my corporate life, however long that may extend. I hope never to take comfort in the money in the bank b/c in the end it's just money and even money is a made up concept, only meaningful to us humans, a black box in our cyborg connections, just like that credit card that's being issued to my name.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Grief, and Perspective
I cried in my office, again. This time, b/c I just happened to check fb on my phone.
Someone I knew, and played with as a child, passed away. She was found collapsed in her apartment last Monday by her coworkers, who came to check on her when she didn't show up to work. I don't understand what was the medical problem, but she was in a coma, medically induced and there were difficulties getting her body temperatures to normalize. It was too low, then got a fever, and things were looking to level out and her family was looking to get her some intensive treatment as soon as she woke up from the coma, after she was weaned off the sedatives. It just so sudden.
Her mother, Mrs. G, was the home ec teacher at the K-12 school I attended 6th thru 12th grade. I am 2 years older than her, and was actually better friends with her twin sister when we were preteens. Here's the fact that worsens this tragedy and loss. Her twin sister passed away less than a year ago, after just over 10 years of suffering and living in a wheel chair with brain damage.
I remember where I was and what my reaction was when I first heard of N, the 1st twin's condition. I was at my desk in my sophomore year dorm room in Few Quad, HH 020 was the room number. I remember feeling the blood drained from my head and down my neck and seemed to just drain down and away. I was speechless and still for a full 30 minutes, during which time I had started crying and my roommate noticed the silent tears. And after a while I willed myself to move and talk and told her what I just found out. N had gone into the hospital for some benign abscess in her head, and it was drained and she was discharged, no problem. Then her condition got bad and she was rushed to the ER, and they medically induced a coma, a coma from which she didn't recover. The period of time during which her brain had insufficient oxygen supplied was too long and she suffered permanent brain damage. N survived, and became responsive and we all had so much hope for her to heal. She had a special wheel chair, Mrs. G found some cutting-edge treatments that had something to do with increasing oxygen supplies for periods of time as a therapy to revive brain cells and she got physical therapy. It didn't do her very much good. While her sisters went to college, got jobs and moved out, N lived in the wheel chair for 10 years. My heart broke for the family, but things seemed okay. N left this earth to regain her full, beautiful and complete function in heaven, late summer/early fall 2012.
Then R, N's twin, suddenly collapsed, and I honestly believed that she would be fine, and I thought it was just a small medical hiccup, nothing severe, scary or that it would lead to her following N away from our world. But now Mrs. G and the family has lost both twins within a year of each other, and I am grieved.
If anyone reads this, please keep the family in your prayers. They are not financially wealthy people and caring for N and then R, the medical bills are an unimaginable burden for them. What's funny is that R passed away about 4 hours ago, and earlier today, I recounted in my head the story of someone dying in their office at this firm, someone who had a very unhealthy lifestyle, did little to mitigate the extreme stress, smoked and drank heavily, and literally spent most nights at the office instead of resting and rejuvenating the tired body. I can't believe it.
It brings perspective to me, as I remember getting angry over the people in the subway not watching where they are going, eyes glued to their smart phones. Wondering if I'm being paid comparably as a little snot-head atty in a large firm. My worries are so insignificant and non-existent when it's put next to the pain and tragedy that my friends are suffering. It humbles me that they are faithful and live their lives honestly in spite of their unfair share of pain at this time. Please pray for them.
Someone I knew, and played with as a child, passed away. She was found collapsed in her apartment last Monday by her coworkers, who came to check on her when she didn't show up to work. I don't understand what was the medical problem, but she was in a coma, medically induced and there were difficulties getting her body temperatures to normalize. It was too low, then got a fever, and things were looking to level out and her family was looking to get her some intensive treatment as soon as she woke up from the coma, after she was weaned off the sedatives. It just so sudden.
Her mother, Mrs. G, was the home ec teacher at the K-12 school I attended 6th thru 12th grade. I am 2 years older than her, and was actually better friends with her twin sister when we were preteens. Here's the fact that worsens this tragedy and loss. Her twin sister passed away less than a year ago, after just over 10 years of suffering and living in a wheel chair with brain damage.
I remember where I was and what my reaction was when I first heard of N, the 1st twin's condition. I was at my desk in my sophomore year dorm room in Few Quad, HH 020 was the room number. I remember feeling the blood drained from my head and down my neck and seemed to just drain down and away. I was speechless and still for a full 30 minutes, during which time I had started crying and my roommate noticed the silent tears. And after a while I willed myself to move and talk and told her what I just found out. N had gone into the hospital for some benign abscess in her head, and it was drained and she was discharged, no problem. Then her condition got bad and she was rushed to the ER, and they medically induced a coma, a coma from which she didn't recover. The period of time during which her brain had insufficient oxygen supplied was too long and she suffered permanent brain damage. N survived, and became responsive and we all had so much hope for her to heal. She had a special wheel chair, Mrs. G found some cutting-edge treatments that had something to do with increasing oxygen supplies for periods of time as a therapy to revive brain cells and she got physical therapy. It didn't do her very much good. While her sisters went to college, got jobs and moved out, N lived in the wheel chair for 10 years. My heart broke for the family, but things seemed okay. N left this earth to regain her full, beautiful and complete function in heaven, late summer/early fall 2012.
Then R, N's twin, suddenly collapsed, and I honestly believed that she would be fine, and I thought it was just a small medical hiccup, nothing severe, scary or that it would lead to her following N away from our world. But now Mrs. G and the family has lost both twins within a year of each other, and I am grieved.
If anyone reads this, please keep the family in your prayers. They are not financially wealthy people and caring for N and then R, the medical bills are an unimaginable burden for them. What's funny is that R passed away about 4 hours ago, and earlier today, I recounted in my head the story of someone dying in their office at this firm, someone who had a very unhealthy lifestyle, did little to mitigate the extreme stress, smoked and drank heavily, and literally spent most nights at the office instead of resting and rejuvenating the tired body. I can't believe it.
It brings perspective to me, as I remember getting angry over the people in the subway not watching where they are going, eyes glued to their smart phones. Wondering if I'm being paid comparably as a little snot-head atty in a large firm. My worries are so insignificant and non-existent when it's put next to the pain and tragedy that my friends are suffering. It humbles me that they are faithful and live their lives honestly in spite of their unfair share of pain at this time. Please pray for them.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Hitting Low after Low
This Blows.
I'll start with the one thing I'm glad for. No one is at work yet. It's close to 11 am, and only the secretaries are here. In fact, my own secretary isn't at her desk. Not that I need her to be there right now.
I'm crying in my office. I miss Ben. I miss Cody. I miss my support system, my life, my friends and parents. I miss knowing what the heck is going on around me. I miss feeling like I have a reason to get out of bed other than making it to work on time. I am silently wiping away my make up, before it's even noon. I wish I was home, in bed. Not b/c I think I can sleep, but b/c I'd rather be in the one place in this whole country where I know I am entitled to being alone. That and the bathroom, but I have more of an exclusive right to my own bed than the bathroom, and it's more comfortable.
I thought I'd be better adjusted to Korea by the end of 2 months. I've been here 6 full weeks. I still have ZERO friends. Everyone around me has their own lives and friends and have places to be and people to see, things to do. I, on the other hand, feel lonely all day while my friends back on the western hemisphere sleep, and have to sleep when they are awake and active.
Who knew I was a social being? What happened to the 30% introvert? I thought I was always okay being left alone, but maybe that is only when I feel like I have access to a social life at my fingertips. When it's not accessible or available, I miss what I don't always like tapping into?
I'm realizing that I would MUCH, MUCH, MUCH rather be poor and have friends than be rich with no friends. Patrizia Reggiani had it wrong. I'd rather be laughing on a bicycle than cry in a rolls royce. I'd rather be poor financially but rich in family and friends. I don't understand the world's desire for money. I like being comfortable and having nice things, having the extras on those rainy days; but I would never trade fresh air, loving family and friends, connections with my fellow humans and God for any amount of money, comfort, luxury.
Mother Theresa, who, of all the human beings that tread his earth that I knew of, got it, seemed to know the true meaning of life. She did it right, in the way that God saw fit for her. And this quote from her has been inspring to me, comforting even when tears don't give me release or when I can't find purpose in my daily wanderings.
"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyways.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."
And that's where I'll leave off for now. I am consoled, at least momentarily, though still homesick in my original homeland. I don't know where my true home is. This is the land of my origin, yet it is so strange and I am a stranger in it.
The reason can't be solely because I am an American now. That is a title and parts of America is lonely to me. Finding home, this is my journey strewn with smiles and tears...let's hope I find it soon.
Update: I walked by a dr's office and they let me weigh myself. I'm underweight according to their height/weight machine. This is KOREA, where EVERY WOMAN wants to be nothing more than a toothpick, and most women under 40 are skinny. Why is this underweight issue plaguing me for the past 2 years?! I just want to be at a slim, fit, healthy weight for the next 25 years.
When my mom lost a ton of weight when we first moved from Kenya to the Chicago area, her health took a nose dive and it took her years to recover. At one point, the doctors said her white blood cell count was at a level where she could be diagnosed with lukemia, without having any bone cancer. I do NOT want this. I don't care about being model-skinny. I got over the "ideal body" long ago when I realized I won't be growing much taller, and both my parents are naturally slim people so I wasn't too worried about getting into obesity land without trying very hard to be unhealthy.
I now weigh less than what my driver's license says. How often is that the case with women in the modernized world obsessed with looking like starved models?
I'll start with the one thing I'm glad for. No one is at work yet. It's close to 11 am, and only the secretaries are here. In fact, my own secretary isn't at her desk. Not that I need her to be there right now.
I'm crying in my office. I miss Ben. I miss Cody. I miss my support system, my life, my friends and parents. I miss knowing what the heck is going on around me. I miss feeling like I have a reason to get out of bed other than making it to work on time. I am silently wiping away my make up, before it's even noon. I wish I was home, in bed. Not b/c I think I can sleep, but b/c I'd rather be in the one place in this whole country where I know I am entitled to being alone. That and the bathroom, but I have more of an exclusive right to my own bed than the bathroom, and it's more comfortable.
I thought I'd be better adjusted to Korea by the end of 2 months. I've been here 6 full weeks. I still have ZERO friends. Everyone around me has their own lives and friends and have places to be and people to see, things to do. I, on the other hand, feel lonely all day while my friends back on the western hemisphere sleep, and have to sleep when they are awake and active.
Who knew I was a social being? What happened to the 30% introvert? I thought I was always okay being left alone, but maybe that is only when I feel like I have access to a social life at my fingertips. When it's not accessible or available, I miss what I don't always like tapping into?
I'm realizing that I would MUCH, MUCH, MUCH rather be poor and have friends than be rich with no friends. Patrizia Reggiani had it wrong. I'd rather be laughing on a bicycle than cry in a rolls royce. I'd rather be poor financially but rich in family and friends. I don't understand the world's desire for money. I like being comfortable and having nice things, having the extras on those rainy days; but I would never trade fresh air, loving family and friends, connections with my fellow humans and God for any amount of money, comfort, luxury.
Mother Theresa, who, of all the human beings that tread his earth that I knew of, got it, seemed to know the true meaning of life. She did it right, in the way that God saw fit for her. And this quote from her has been inspring to me, comforting even when tears don't give me release or when I can't find purpose in my daily wanderings.
"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyways.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."
And that's where I'll leave off for now. I am consoled, at least momentarily, though still homesick in my original homeland. I don't know where my true home is. This is the land of my origin, yet it is so strange and I am a stranger in it.
The reason can't be solely because I am an American now. That is a title and parts of America is lonely to me. Finding home, this is my journey strewn with smiles and tears...let's hope I find it soon.
Update: I walked by a dr's office and they let me weigh myself. I'm underweight according to their height/weight machine. This is KOREA, where EVERY WOMAN wants to be nothing more than a toothpick, and most women under 40 are skinny. Why is this underweight issue plaguing me for the past 2 years?! I just want to be at a slim, fit, healthy weight for the next 25 years.
When my mom lost a ton of weight when we first moved from Kenya to the Chicago area, her health took a nose dive and it took her years to recover. At one point, the doctors said her white blood cell count was at a level where she could be diagnosed with lukemia, without having any bone cancer. I do NOT want this. I don't care about being model-skinny. I got over the "ideal body" long ago when I realized I won't be growing much taller, and both my parents are naturally slim people so I wasn't too worried about getting into obesity land without trying very hard to be unhealthy.
I now weigh less than what my driver's license says. How often is that the case with women in the modernized world obsessed with looking like starved models?
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Foreign and Alone
I'm in Seoul, Korea. No, there is no war. We are not being bombed by the communist cousins up north. Yet I'm miserable. Today is my 30th birthday and I am hit with the realization that I chose wrong. I had the choice of staying at my low-paying South-Georgia coastal government job with the state prosecuting office and barely eking out my existence (and keeping my fingers crossed that the 10-year public service loan forgiveness program would still be real law when I reach my 10th year of gov't service), OR to move to Seoul to take a job doing international dispute resolution w/ a top private firm that will pay me a salary that will enable me to actually pay off my law school loans in much less than 10 years. I chose the "adventurous" option, the one that everyone raved, and I agreed, was the "opportunity of a lifetime," the one that my family and friends found to be glamorous and glitzy and lucrative and prestigious. I took the bait and now I'm in Seoul. And I may have made the wrong choice.
You see, I left behind a boy, no, a man. I haven't spoke of him on this blog yet b/c the last time I wrote an entry here was before I had met him. He stuck w/ me even after I moved to Savannah for 10 months, and while it was getting weary on us both, we still cared for each other. Or at least I cared for him still and he said he still cared for me. When my friend Donna and I talked about this new job offer initially, she mentioned that maybe if I feel that this is a viable relationship I could be happy in long-term, then it's worth giving up the job. She later recanted this opinion and said that the job is going to be great for me. No doubt, in the way of money and prestige and socially, the job is going to be the ticket to "a better life," as my mom would say. Even he said he couldn't let me turn this job down. But you see, my heart is breaking and my head hurts and I feel like I've made the wrong choice. And I'm suffering alone, in silence b/c no one will understand.
I have always gone for the opportunity in the past, the thing that will get me to a better place in life to allow me to make choices. Towards independence, towards more education, more job opportunities and more financial stability. This is my life. While my spirit is whispy like the wind and my personality childlike like a giggle ricocheting across a backyard pond and filled with awe and touched by the little moments of life as if I haven't been jaded enough, the decision making in my life has always been for the higher ground, logical and predictable. And it's been a fight to preserve my whimsical nature in me, and I've fought at the cost of things like law school grades and more monetary compensation. But this time, it hurts and I can't help but think that this logical choice is closing the door to everything good I see in my friends' lives. Something softer and lighter and profound, family and love and affection and a repose from the battle ground that is my present career choice.
My mom finally told me he's too young for me and that he'll eventually leave me even if I ask him to stay. But even so, I wish that we could have had the time to allow what we had to take a natural course, be it lasting or terminal. You see, I've whispered countless prayers to God asking if I could keep him, please. He told me he loved me a mere month and a half into our courtship, something I wasn't ready for at the time. Yet I knew he was a good man, mature beyond his years and more mature than guys a decade his senior that I have dealt with, and I kept growing fonder of him until I believe I came to match his feelings for me. He was the closest thing to a gentleman to me, and now there is a rift of 2 years time, maybe more, to be overcome. Every male friend and acquaintance I have had in the past 11 months have told me it's doomed and I hope they are wrong. I hope they are all wrong, but to have a deeper assurance that they are wrong and I am right, I should have chosen to stay closer to my beau. And thus my heart breaks and I cry alone on my 30th birthday without even my puppy friend Cody to comfort me, friendless and alone in this city that is to bring me "a better life" and closer to that non-descript "success."
You see, I left behind a boy, no, a man. I haven't spoke of him on this blog yet b/c the last time I wrote an entry here was before I had met him. He stuck w/ me even after I moved to Savannah for 10 months, and while it was getting weary on us both, we still cared for each other. Or at least I cared for him still and he said he still cared for me. When my friend Donna and I talked about this new job offer initially, she mentioned that maybe if I feel that this is a viable relationship I could be happy in long-term, then it's worth giving up the job. She later recanted this opinion and said that the job is going to be great for me. No doubt, in the way of money and prestige and socially, the job is going to be the ticket to "a better life," as my mom would say. Even he said he couldn't let me turn this job down. But you see, my heart is breaking and my head hurts and I feel like I've made the wrong choice. And I'm suffering alone, in silence b/c no one will understand.
I have always gone for the opportunity in the past, the thing that will get me to a better place in life to allow me to make choices. Towards independence, towards more education, more job opportunities and more financial stability. This is my life. While my spirit is whispy like the wind and my personality childlike like a giggle ricocheting across a backyard pond and filled with awe and touched by the little moments of life as if I haven't been jaded enough, the decision making in my life has always been for the higher ground, logical and predictable. And it's been a fight to preserve my whimsical nature in me, and I've fought at the cost of things like law school grades and more monetary compensation. But this time, it hurts and I can't help but think that this logical choice is closing the door to everything good I see in my friends' lives. Something softer and lighter and profound, family and love and affection and a repose from the battle ground that is my present career choice.
My mom finally told me he's too young for me and that he'll eventually leave me even if I ask him to stay. But even so, I wish that we could have had the time to allow what we had to take a natural course, be it lasting or terminal. You see, I've whispered countless prayers to God asking if I could keep him, please. He told me he loved me a mere month and a half into our courtship, something I wasn't ready for at the time. Yet I knew he was a good man, mature beyond his years and more mature than guys a decade his senior that I have dealt with, and I kept growing fonder of him until I believe I came to match his feelings for me. He was the closest thing to a gentleman to me, and now there is a rift of 2 years time, maybe more, to be overcome. Every male friend and acquaintance I have had in the past 11 months have told me it's doomed and I hope they are wrong. I hope they are all wrong, but to have a deeper assurance that they are wrong and I am right, I should have chosen to stay closer to my beau. And thus my heart breaks and I cry alone on my 30th birthday without even my puppy friend Cody to comfort me, friendless and alone in this city that is to bring me "a better life" and closer to that non-descript "success."
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