broke down again today

briefly.

So the update on my grandmother is that she is inoperable. the cancer is in its last stages and the doctors gave her 18 months to live w/ chemotherapy or 6-9 months w/out. SO NOT FAIR! she is, however, miraculously, pain-free, which is very, very uncommon. So we're praying she stays pain-free and that we can keep her standard of living high. If anyone sees this, please pray for her as well.
She needs regular/occasional blood transfusions b/c the cancer, which sits on a HUGE ulcer site, has ruptured and is bleeding constantly. She is mostly bed-bound b/c she lacks the energy to do much else. Soonee, the 4 yr old pomeranian doggie keeps her company w/ her quiet, gentle presence. And Cody, the puppy she bore, is now at my house, behind a puppy gate while I study, but he is being sent to a new home for 2.5 weeks until I'm done w/ the bar. He is adorable and cute and so confused, but circumstances kinda suck overall. I feel bad for him.
She lost 50 lbs in the past 2 years to an appalling 80 lbs. Way too skinny even for a small, tiny, short woman under 5 ft. The though of skin and bones on her just makes me weep.
The other thing that makes me wonder how she is handling it all, so silently, is that her mind is a clear as a bell. I thought she was loosing some clarity, but not so. She is fully aware of what is happening, no sign of dementia. Thus, even more tragedy in having to face her illness, her invalidity with her hyper-sensitive sense of guilt and burdening. My cousin is tending to her every behest, cooking whatever my grandmother asks for every day. I guess finally she is being pampered in her last days.
I sincerely hope these aren't her last days at all. I truly believed she would live until 92. She has to, and she has to live comfortably, free from stress. I want her to be well....I should've invited her to come live with me in Atlanta. I just didn't think I could spend that much time w/ her and care for her while I was in law school. Now I regret not going through w/ that idea.

but that's what's going on w/ my lovely grandmother. Here's her and Soonee, after she got back from the hospital.

On the bar front, I'm 18 days away from the bar, failing every subject miserably. Ready to get down with it, if not for the distractions and my own adhd mind.

that is all i have to say about that.

to take puppy to his bath while i study criminal law at the grooming center.