Longest 2 Months of my Life

It's been the longest two months of my life.  Three if you count June.

I had other strange Korean things list, but I'll do that later.  It's 3:15 am here in Seoul, fyi.  I'm still at work, fyi.  And I wish with all my might that I was back in the US, whatever job I'd have at this point.  Probably the same ADA position in Savannah, trying to get back to Atl, maybe weaseling my way into a Solicitor General's Office in the Atl metro area.

I signed a 24 month contract, and I've completed 2 of those 24 months.  But I feel like it should be more than that.  I am so tired.  I am so lonely and often heartbroken.  And as he inches away, the chasm in my heart grows.  I kept telling myself that I need to wait it out, give it a fair chance, but I keep wondering, still, if I've made a prudent choice.  Did I allow myself to be wooed by the siren call of a biglaw job, the title of an "international" lawyer?  Perhaps.  Is 2 months long enough, fair enough for me to judge the situation?  Or need I wait a few more months before I make up my mind?

I've accepted long ago that I'll never have a true home on this earth.  Since then, more recently, I've longed for a home of a different kind, something, someone, to anchor me to a location, to give me a reason to stay instead of flitting away to the next destination.  I'm just so tired, and I think if my heart had a home, it won't be so bad that my body doesn't have a home.

the importance of...Credit History

So, I just received a call from a credit card company affiliated with one of the banks in Korea I have an account with.  Actually, the only account that I have any money in, b/c my monthly salary is deposited into that account.  They have agreed to issue a credit card to me.  After long last, after dealing with Hyundai Card, who gave me a box of chocolates stamped w/ their logo and a pen in a box, took photocopies of my passport, one of my bar licenses, and 2 copies of the proof of employment my firm issued, oh and front and back copies of my foreigner registration ID card, then rejected my application via phone call, and to date have not replied to my request to return these sensitive documents or affirm that they've destroyed it all by shredding.  I'm kinda scared of what that "card sales man" is going to do w/ my ID info.  He could be printing fake copies of my passport and selling them to excon-mongols for all I know.

But for now, I am happy that the Korean banking community has accepted me, with however low of a credit limit they will limit me to.  As long as it'll handle one month of subway, taxi and lunch expenses for me it'll do for now.  I was tempted to just get a Chase Sapphire card and go for the choice of NOT having to pay any foreign currency exchange fees (but I am a greedy one and I like to have my cash back rewards and free currency exchange fees, which they're not offering).  Anyways, I am a recognizable human consumer in Korea now.  I will drink my $5 small black coffee and eat my odd renditions of plain white bread and pork belly with pride, and pay for my own cab rides with glee...once my credit card arrives to my office in a week or so.

In strange/exciting news, an atty I met at a DC airport coming back from a wondrous, rainy yet exuberant spring break in Rome w/ Donna three years ago, is going to be the new director of the US Patent Office (and under secretary of commerce for intellectual property).  I must motivate myself to work hard, become a recognizable tour-de-force in whatever I do...I guess for now that's Int'l Arb.
And then there are days when I just want to curl up w/ a cup of tea and my soft doggie and grin at the world and their rat race, as I excuse myself from the senselessness of it all.  It's all made up, this striving, striving, striving.  I haven't met one person who can define the Pursuit of Happiness or what Success is empirically.  So in the end we're all participating in the pursuit of the most delicious food, the pursuit of the most money that can be made, the pursuit of the biggest/smallest/prettiest/loudest car/stereo equipment/dog/cat/novelty item, the pursuit of recognition from other insecure mortals, and on and on.
I waxed a little philosophical just there...but then, the way the rich and the large corporations waste money just for looks while just a few feet away the socially invisible creatures count the meager pennies in their pockets and hope their kids won't go hungry that night, or that they could afford a sufficient winter coat in time for winter.  I'm guilty of it too.  I'm too lazy to take the subway b/c I get lost on it in the mornings so I take a cab, which also allows me to leave home a little later so I can put off admitting that I too need to get to work, and work for my keep.

Well, I hope to be comforted by the humanity I still have and the integrity I salvage at the end of my corporate life, however long that may extend.  I hope never to take comfort in the money in the bank b/c in the end it's just money and even money is a made up concept, only meaningful to us humans, a black box in our cyborg connections, just like that credit card that's being issued to my name.

Grief, and Perspective

I cried in my office, again.  This time, b/c I just happened to check fb on my phone.
Someone I knew, and played with as a child, passed away.  She was found collapsed in her apartment last Monday by her coworkers, who came to check on her when she didn't show up to work.  I don't understand what was the medical problem, but she was in a coma, medically induced and there were difficulties getting her body temperatures to normalize.  It was too low, then got a fever, and things were looking to level out and her family was looking to get her some intensive treatment as soon as she woke up from the coma, after she was weaned off the sedatives.  It just so sudden.

Her mother, Mrs. G, was the home ec teacher at the K-12 school I attended 6th thru 12th grade.  I am 2 years older than her, and was actually better friends with her twin sister when we were preteens.  Here's the fact that worsens this tragedy and loss.  Her twin sister passed away less than a year ago, after just over 10 years of suffering and living in a wheel chair with brain damage.
I remember where I was and what my reaction was when I first heard of N, the 1st twin's condition.  I was at my desk in my sophomore year dorm room in Few Quad, HH 020 was the room number.  I remember feeling the blood drained from my head and down my neck and seemed to just drain down and away.  I was speechless and still for a full 30 minutes, during which time I had started crying and my roommate noticed the silent tears.  And after a while I willed myself to move and talk and told her what I just found out.  N had gone into the hospital for some benign abscess in her head, and it was drained and she was discharged, no problem.  Then her condition got bad and she was rushed to the ER, and they medically induced a coma, a coma from which she didn't recover.  The period of time during which her brain had insufficient oxygen supplied was too long and she suffered permanent brain damage.  N survived, and became responsive and we all had so much hope for her to heal.  She had a special wheel chair, Mrs. G found some cutting-edge treatments that had something to do with increasing oxygen supplies for periods of time as a therapy to revive brain cells and she got physical therapy.  It didn't do her very much good.  While her sisters went to college, got jobs and moved out, N lived in the wheel chair for 10 years.  My heart broke for the family, but things seemed okay.  N left this earth to regain her full, beautiful and complete function in heaven, late summer/early fall 2012.
Then R, N's twin, suddenly collapsed, and I honestly believed that she would be fine, and I thought it was just a small medical hiccup, nothing severe, scary or that it would lead to her following N away from our world.  But now Mrs. G and the family has lost both twins within a year of each other, and I am grieved.

If anyone reads this, please keep the family in your prayers.  They are not financially wealthy people and caring for N and then R, the medical bills are an unimaginable burden for them.  What's funny is that R passed away about 4 hours ago, and earlier today, I recounted in my head the story of someone dying in their office at this firm, someone who had a very unhealthy lifestyle, did little to mitigate the extreme stress, smoked and drank heavily, and literally spent most nights at the office instead of resting and rejuvenating the tired body.  I can't believe it.
It brings perspective to me, as I remember getting angry over the people in the subway not watching where they are going, eyes glued to their smart phones.  Wondering if I'm being paid comparably as a little snot-head atty in a large firm.  My worries are so insignificant and non-existent when it's put next to the pain and tragedy that my friends are suffering.  It humbles me that they are faithful and live their lives honestly in spite of their unfair share of pain at this time.  Please pray for them.

Hitting Low after Low

This Blows.

I'll start with the one thing I'm glad for.  No one is at work yet.  It's close to 11 am, and only the secretaries are here.  In fact, my own secretary isn't  at her desk.  Not that I need her to be there right now.

I'm crying in my office.  I miss Ben.  I miss Cody.  I miss my support system, my life, my friends and parents.  I miss knowing what the heck is going on around me.  I miss feeling like I have a reason to get out of bed other than making it to work on time.  I am silently wiping away my make up, before it's even noon.  I wish I was home, in bed.  Not b/c I think I can sleep, but b/c I'd rather be in the one place in this whole country where I know I am entitled to being alone.  That and the bathroom, but I have more of an exclusive right to my own bed than the bathroom, and it's more comfortable.

I thought I'd be better adjusted to Korea by the end of 2 months.  I've been here 6 full weeks.  I still have ZERO friends.  Everyone around me has their own lives and friends and have places to be and people to see, things to do.  I, on the other hand, feel lonely all day while my friends back on the western hemisphere sleep, and have to sleep when they are awake and active. 

Who knew I was a social being?  What happened to the 30% introvert?  I thought I was always okay being left alone, but maybe that is only when I feel like I have access to a social life at my fingertips.  When it's not accessible or available, I miss what I don't always like tapping into?

I'm realizing that I would MUCH, MUCH, MUCH rather be poor and have friends than be rich with no friends.  Patrizia Reggiani had it wrong.  I'd rather be laughing on a bicycle than cry in a rolls royce.  I'd rather be poor financially but rich in family and friends.  I don't understand the world's desire for money.  I like being comfortable and having nice things, having the extras on those rainy days; but I would never trade fresh air, loving family and friends, connections with my fellow humans and God for any amount of money, comfort, luxury. 

Mother Theresa, who, of all the human beings that tread his earth that I knew of, got it, seemed to know the true meaning of life.  She did it right, in the way that God saw fit for her.  And this quote from her has been inspring to me, comforting even when tears don't give me release or when I can't find purpose in my daily wanderings.
"People are often unreasonable and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives.  Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you.  Be honest anyways.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.  Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough.  Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway."

And that's where I'll leave off for now.  I am consoled, at least momentarily, though still homesick in my original homeland.  I don't know where my true home is.  This is the land of my origin, yet it is so strange and I am a stranger in it. 
The reason can't be solely because I am an American now.  That is a title and parts of America is lonely to me.  Finding home, this is my journey strewn with smiles and tears...let's hope I find it soon.

Update:  I walked by a dr's office and they let me weigh myself.  I'm underweight according to their height/weight machine.  This is KOREA, where EVERY WOMAN wants to be nothing more than a toothpick, and most women under 40 are skinny.  Why is this underweight issue plaguing me for the past 2 years?!  I just want to be at a slim, fit, healthy weight for the next 25 years. 
When my mom lost a ton of weight when we first moved from Kenya to the Chicago area, her health took a nose dive and it took her years to recover.  At one point, the doctors said her white blood cell count was at a level where she could be diagnosed with lukemia, without having any bone cancer.  I do NOT want this.  I don't care about being model-skinny.  I got over the "ideal body" long ago when I realized I won't be growing much taller, and both my parents are naturally slim people so I wasn't too worried about getting into obesity land without trying very hard to be unhealthy. 
I now weigh less than what my driver's license says.  How often is that the case with women in the modernized world obsessed with looking like starved models?

Foreign and Alone

I'm in Seoul, Korea.  No, there is no war.  We are not being bombed by the communist cousins up north.  Yet I'm miserable.  Today is my 30th birthday and I am hit with the realization that I chose wrong.  I had the choice of staying at my low-paying South-Georgia coastal government job with the state prosecuting office and barely eking out my existence (and keeping my fingers crossed that the 10-year public service loan forgiveness program would still be real law when I reach my 10th year of gov't service), OR to move to Seoul to take a job doing international dispute resolution w/ a top private firm that will pay me a salary that will enable me to actually pay off my law school loans in much less than 10 years.  I chose the "adventurous" option, the one that everyone raved, and I agreed, was the "opportunity of a lifetime," the one that my family and friends found to be glamorous and glitzy and lucrative and prestigious.  I took the bait and now I'm in Seoul.  And I may have made the wrong choice.
You see, I left behind a boy, no, a man.  I haven't spoke of him on this blog yet b/c the last time I wrote an entry here was before I had met him.  He stuck w/ me even after I moved to Savannah for 10 months, and while it was getting weary on us both, we still cared for each other.  Or at least I cared for him still and he said he still cared for me.  When my friend Donna and I talked about this new job offer initially, she mentioned that maybe if I feel that this is a viable relationship I could be happy in long-term, then it's worth giving up the job.  She later recanted this opinion and said that the job is going to be great for me.  No doubt, in the way of money and prestige and socially, the job is going to be the ticket to "a better life," as my mom would say.  Even he said he couldn't let me turn this job down.  But you see, my heart is breaking and my head hurts and I feel like I've made the wrong choice.  And I'm suffering alone, in silence b/c no one will understand.
I have always gone for the opportunity in the past, the thing that will get me to a better place in life to allow me to make choices.  Towards independence, towards more education, more job opportunities and more financial stability.  This is my life.  While my spirit is whispy like the wind and my personality childlike like a giggle ricocheting across a backyard pond and filled with awe and touched by the little moments of life as if I haven't been jaded enough, the decision making in my life has always been for the higher ground, logical and predictable.  And it's been a fight to preserve my whimsical nature in me, and I've fought at the cost of things like law school grades and more monetary compensation.  But this time, it hurts and I can't help but think that this logical choice is closing the door to everything good I see in my friends' lives.  Something softer and lighter and profound, family and love and affection and a repose from the battle ground that is my present career choice.
My mom finally told me he's too young for me and that he'll eventually leave me even if I ask him to stay.  But even so, I wish that we could have had the time to allow what we had to take a natural course, be it lasting or terminal.  You see, I've whispered countless prayers to God asking if I could keep him, please.  He told me he loved me a mere month and a half into our courtship, something I wasn't ready for at the time.  Yet I knew he was a good man, mature beyond his years and more mature than guys a decade his senior that I have dealt with, and I kept growing fonder of him until I believe I came to match his feelings for me.  He was the closest thing to a gentleman to me, and now there is a rift of 2 years time, maybe more, to be overcome.  Every male friend and acquaintance I have had in the past 11 months have told me it's doomed and I hope they are wrong.  I hope they are all wrong, but to have a deeper assurance that they are wrong and I am right, I should have chosen to stay closer to my beau.  And thus my heart breaks and I cry alone on my 30th birthday without even my puppy friend Cody to comfort me, friendless and alone in this city that is to bring me "a better life" and closer to that non-descript "success."

Day After Valentine's Bake-A-Thon

Sleep under the stars tonight. (x2)

A gentle touch speaks volumes. (x2)

Share a secret. (x4)

Celebrate family and friends.

Share a sunset.

Do something spontaneous.

Watch the sun come up. (x2)

Make someone melt today. (x2)

Chocolate. Always your Valentine. (x2)

Remember your first crush. (x3)

Linger over chocolate longer.

Listen with your heart. (x3)

Trust with your heart, not your head.

Be your own Valentine. (x2)

Be a little mysterious. (x2)

This is what I unwrapped and read tonight. I read every single one as I unwrapped it. I was supposed to finish studying GA Remedies/Equity/Non-Monetary Damages. Instead, I made Rolo Cake Cookies, then made a variation batch with Dove chocolates. I waited a full month to make the rolo-center cookies but when I went to the drug store tonight, Rolos didn't qualify as Valentine's candy this year. I personally find Rolos super romantic and don't understand why they weren't packaged in pink and/or red bags.

Discrimination against caramel centers, I say.

So I also bought a bag of Dove dark chocolate with cherry swirl and Dove dark chocolates. I made a variation of the Rolo Chocolate Cake Cookies. I bought a box of white cake mix and made cookies w/ Dove centers...and Rolos. I told my study buddies I'll bring cookies. I think I'll give it to another study buddy...or just someone that I occasionally sit at adjacent tables with while we individually study for the GA bar.

28th Valentine's Day w/out a date. I think I'm getting used to it, despite some personal angst leading up to the day of. The actual day isn't nearly as painful as I imagine it to be. I really should get used to this. I wasn't too into it until a couple years ago when I broke up w/ a boyfriend 10 days (or maybe a week?) before Valentine's Day. Not that I spent every other Valentine's before that one being wined and dined by a boy/man pining over me.

Anyways, despite the candy I really wanted not being on the post-Valentine's day sale, I purchased it and baked cookies for my friends. I baked 6 dozen very decadent cookies...and experimented with the shapes too. Next time, I'm just sticking with the circle/ball shapes.

Happy Day After Valentine's. Or, Happy DAV for short.

Adventures in Puppyland Tidbit: I think Cody had a bit of diarrhea today. Was it the carrot I left him? Was it bits of the shoe insert he ate? He left the shoe alone...just tore up a shoe insert. Bad Dog.

Sorry for leaving you home alone for 13 hours, buddy. I gotta at least pretend to try to pass the GA bar.

Speaking of the bar...I've taken 2 weeks off from my unpaid apprenticeship. At the apprenticeship, there is an IT contractor girl who I like and who is very thoughtful. She has told me almost daily for the past month that I look tired. And my answer always is that I am tired. I need a refresher. I need a job that pays, I need a vacation. I'd also like someone who cares about me for once.

Kate Middleton, a commoner and the daughter of a merchant,

caught the eye of a prince (in a see-through dress) and married him. I'm not hoping for a prince, but I think I do deserve an equal

partner (who will serenade me, is willing to dance with me, and maybe massage my back and do the dishes). And I don't think I should have to wear a see-through dress for that, the cookies should be enough.

It's been a while...I've got a teeth update.

YUP, got a teeth update. B/c, you see, this whole blog thing started as a way for me to express myself while my jaws were recovering from a 10-hour operation during which my head swelled up to twice its normal size (no, I wasn't just a fat-head back then. be nice.) and my neck looked like ppl w/ L-shaped fists punched mirror-images into my throat and everything inside my mouth was so puffy I couldn't swallow or close my lips. I bled for weeks after the surgery and would wake up in the middle of the night to painfully hack up globs of coagulated blood that collected at the back of my mouth/throat.

Needless to say, I couldn't say anything, I had stitches all around the inside of my mouth where my gums met my inner lips/cheek/flesh. I'm very well recovered now, nearly 4 years after that horrendous surgery. But, you know what? I'd do it all over again if I was presented with the choice again.

B/c now, I can bite into a sandwich in public w/out fearing the contents to be dragged out of the slices of bread, dangling like seaweed out of my sea-monster mouth. And, I can bite into a sandwich in private and I know half the insides won't be slapping on my chin. And, I can bite as self-defense if I need to. :) so many useful things I can do w/ this new BITE!

As for the migraines, mostly gone! Probably all muscle-tension triggered migraines are gone the few migraines I now have aren't nearly as drastic and painful and nauseating as they used to be, and even better, they're not a regular visitor. Just on occasional one, usually when I don't eat for a long time and my blood sugar gets low (a new development that came w/ age a couple years ago).

BUT, I didn't wear my shiny new Essix retainers and now, a front tooth shifted. So, I had to get a new retainer made to push that tooth back in its place. Sad. I need to wear it 24 hours a day for 3 months...but already I'm failing. I happen to eat at work, and then b/c I can't rinse out my mouth very well, or carry a toothbrush, I don't put it back in and I forget about it until bed time. le sigh.

So, I have a new retainer. I will post pictures with it on, but just not today. I need to go print my resume, get my stuff together for an interview (at which, I'm told by an insider, they won't be hiring anyone) but I got an interview, I signed up for a time slot and it would reflect poorly on me for my budding new career as an attorney/officer of justice to not show up just b/c I found out they're not hiring. But secretly, I hope they decide to hire me anyways. And, b/c I have to register w/ the GA Consortium of Law Schools folks 40 mins before my actual interview, I have to leave home by the awesome hour of 7:40 am. I know this probably doesn't sound too bad to most ppl who've been in the working world, but I am not a morning person and deliberately find housing close to where I have to show up to in the mornings. One day moving every time I get a new place to be, or in search of a place with an even shorter commute will not be possible (aka, one hypothetical day in which I'm married or have kids or own my dewelling place. I don't know which of these circumstances are the most unbelievable to me at this present moment.)

The new retainer cost me $150, and that's b/c my orthodontist took pity on my insurance-less state and basically charged me the lab fees. I think after I get that one tooth straightened out, I'll go back to him to get a bite-guard-splint thing made for my teeth-grinding problem. I still grind my teeth, apparently. I guess the stress from my life didn't all go away w/ the surgery. More about the woes of wearing a retainer aggressively pushing a tooth back into place to be discussed later.

In other news, I called a dentist's office and they said teeth cleaning, and an initial exam and basic x-rays are $95. Not too shabby...possibly even affordable after I scrape the bottom of my bank account to hand over to the GA Office of Bar Admissions (it's costing me more than $1000 more, that's a whole $1K, than IL did). But I'm going to call one other dentist, one that a friend recommended, to see what her prices are like. I do need a cleaning. I haven't had dental insurance since 2008, and it's been that long since I've had a cleaning. I'm overdue. It might be why I have sensitive teeth these days. I hope after the cleaning, the sensitivity will go away (????). Sounds like wishful thinking, but maybe not too out of the realm of possible realities.

Adventures in Puppyland bit: Cody is a cutie. But he loves his dog food way too much...he bit my toe/foot this morning. I'm trying to transition him out of puppy food into adult dog food and the pet store I went to didn't have the adult version of the Wellness Small Dogs Just for Puppy super5mix in the 15 lb bags. Apparently they can order the large bag, but it comes ins 12 lb bags, instead of the standard 15 lbs. So, they gave me several different sample bags of dog foods of comparable quality and price range.

Tried the Pure Vita grain free Salmon Formula a couple meals (w/ some of the old puppy mix I've been feeding him) and he's gotten some wetter stools. Not sludgy or liquidy in any way, just wetter, stickier and thus more difficult to clean up (I like his poop to just roll off the newspaper into the toilet, no shaking or shoving w/ toilet paper). It was also lighter in color. I checked the ingredients of the puppy kibbles I've been mixing and they have turkey, chicken, salmon, some other species-named fish, lamb and other stuff, so salmon isn't completely new to his diet.

I think I'm going to table Pure Vita for now, and buy some more of the Wellness just for puppy stuff (to mix into more Merrick Whole Earth Farms stuff and the remaining Royal Canin stuff...which I was told and read was not as "premium" or awesome as they say they are). I think I'll use his old mix for a bit long, to transition him into adult dog food. And, I am going to not even try the Pure Vita grain free Bison Entree sample and move on to the Taste of the Wild samples...hopefully they will agree w/ Cody's digestive tracts a little more.

Save the Date Everyone!!! Cody's 1st Birthday is Feb. 5th. If the weather's nice and the yard is dry, I am thinking of inviting his other doggy friends and their humans over for a romp in the yard and doggy birthday cake. And some of my aged glugg and/or Christmas wine for the humans/adults. Otherwise, I would have to make it an indoor event and invite less creatures into my teeny, tiny, very humble abode w/ no real seating. And then have a larger clean-up job after the guests leave.

Here's like the P.P.S. part. Remember how when we were in middle school, there was a list of P.S.'s and P.P.S.'s and P.P.P.S.'s? It's like that but I promise to stop after this. I've started studying for the GA bar examination (hopefully IL Sup. Ct. and the IARDC will get off their butts and mail in my letters of good standing so I can definitely take the 1-day attorney's examination). I bought the books and lecture notes off of a former classmate who took (and passed) the GA bar in July, instead of paying for an entire new bar course, b/c I just coulnd't afford it and figured I may not have time to do all the lectures anyways.

Here's the schedule I've come up with for the next 6 weeks:

week 1: Property and Con Law

week 2: Crim Law, Crim Pro, Agency/Partnership and Corporations and MPT

week 3: Contracts, Damages/Equitable Remedies

week 4: Torts, Evidence and Family

week 5: Wills, Trusts, Fed. Civ Pro, and GA Civ Pro

week 6: Comm. Paper, Sec. Trans., Prof. Resp. and MPT(?)

WISH ME LUCK!!!