Hitting Low after Low

This Blows.

I'll start with the one thing I'm glad for.  No one is at work yet.  It's close to 11 am, and only the secretaries are here.  In fact, my own secretary isn't  at her desk.  Not that I need her to be there right now.

I'm crying in my office.  I miss Ben.  I miss Cody.  I miss my support system, my life, my friends and parents.  I miss knowing what the heck is going on around me.  I miss feeling like I have a reason to get out of bed other than making it to work on time.  I am silently wiping away my make up, before it's even noon.  I wish I was home, in bed.  Not b/c I think I can sleep, but b/c I'd rather be in the one place in this whole country where I know I am entitled to being alone.  That and the bathroom, but I have more of an exclusive right to my own bed than the bathroom, and it's more comfortable.

I thought I'd be better adjusted to Korea by the end of 2 months.  I've been here 6 full weeks.  I still have ZERO friends.  Everyone around me has their own lives and friends and have places to be and people to see, things to do.  I, on the other hand, feel lonely all day while my friends back on the western hemisphere sleep, and have to sleep when they are awake and active. 

Who knew I was a social being?  What happened to the 30% introvert?  I thought I was always okay being left alone, but maybe that is only when I feel like I have access to a social life at my fingertips.  When it's not accessible or available, I miss what I don't always like tapping into?

I'm realizing that I would MUCH, MUCH, MUCH rather be poor and have friends than be rich with no friends.  Patrizia Reggiani had it wrong.  I'd rather be laughing on a bicycle than cry in a rolls royce.  I'd rather be poor financially but rich in family and friends.  I don't understand the world's desire for money.  I like being comfortable and having nice things, having the extras on those rainy days; but I would never trade fresh air, loving family and friends, connections with my fellow humans and God for any amount of money, comfort, luxury. 

Mother Theresa, who, of all the human beings that tread his earth that I knew of, got it, seemed to know the true meaning of life.  She did it right, in the way that God saw fit for her.  And this quote from her has been inspring to me, comforting even when tears don't give me release or when I can't find purpose in my daily wanderings.
"People are often unreasonable and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives.  Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you.  Be honest anyways.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.  Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough.  Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway."

And that's where I'll leave off for now.  I am consoled, at least momentarily, though still homesick in my original homeland.  I don't know where my true home is.  This is the land of my origin, yet it is so strange and I am a stranger in it. 
The reason can't be solely because I am an American now.  That is a title and parts of America is lonely to me.  Finding home, this is my journey strewn with smiles and tears...let's hope I find it soon.

Update:  I walked by a dr's office and they let me weigh myself.  I'm underweight according to their height/weight machine.  This is KOREA, where EVERY WOMAN wants to be nothing more than a toothpick, and most women under 40 are skinny.  Why is this underweight issue plaguing me for the past 2 years?!  I just want to be at a slim, fit, healthy weight for the next 25 years. 
When my mom lost a ton of weight when we first moved from Kenya to the Chicago area, her health took a nose dive and it took her years to recover.  At one point, the doctors said her white blood cell count was at a level where she could be diagnosed with lukemia, without having any bone cancer.  I do NOT want this.  I don't care about being model-skinny.  I got over the "ideal body" long ago when I realized I won't be growing much taller, and both my parents are naturally slim people so I wasn't too worried about getting into obesity land without trying very hard to be unhealthy. 
I now weigh less than what my driver's license says.  How often is that the case with women in the modernized world obsessed with looking like starved models?

Day After Valentine's Bake-A-Thon

Sleep under the stars tonight. (x2)

A gentle touch speaks volumes. (x2)

Share a secret. (x4)

Celebrate family and friends.

Share a sunset.

Do something spontaneous.

Watch the sun come up. (x2)

Make someone melt today. (x2)

Chocolate. Always your Valentine. (x2)

Remember your first crush. (x3)

Linger over chocolate longer.

Listen with your heart. (x3)

Trust with your heart, not your head.

Be your own Valentine. (x2)

Be a little mysterious. (x2)

This is what I unwrapped and read tonight. I read every single one as I unwrapped it. I was supposed to finish studying GA Remedies/Equity/Non-Monetary Damages. Instead, I made Rolo Cake Cookies, then made a variation batch with Dove chocolates. I waited a full month to make the rolo-center cookies but when I went to the drug store tonight, Rolos didn't qualify as Valentine's candy this year. I personally find Rolos super romantic and don't understand why they weren't packaged in pink and/or red bags.

Discrimination against caramel centers, I say.

So I also bought a bag of Dove dark chocolate with cherry swirl and Dove dark chocolates. I made a variation of the Rolo Chocolate Cake Cookies. I bought a box of white cake mix and made cookies w/ Dove centers...and Rolos. I told my study buddies I'll bring cookies. I think I'll give it to another study buddy...or just someone that I occasionally sit at adjacent tables with while we individually study for the GA bar.

28th Valentine's Day w/out a date. I think I'm getting used to it, despite some personal angst leading up to the day of. The actual day isn't nearly as painful as I imagine it to be. I really should get used to this. I wasn't too into it until a couple years ago when I broke up w/ a boyfriend 10 days (or maybe a week?) before Valentine's Day. Not that I spent every other Valentine's before that one being wined and dined by a boy/man pining over me.

Anyways, despite the candy I really wanted not being on the post-Valentine's day sale, I purchased it and baked cookies for my friends. I baked 6 dozen very decadent cookies...and experimented with the shapes too. Next time, I'm just sticking with the circle/ball shapes.

Happy Day After Valentine's. Or, Happy DAV for short.

Adventures in Puppyland Tidbit: I think Cody had a bit of diarrhea today. Was it the carrot I left him? Was it bits of the shoe insert he ate? He left the shoe alone...just tore up a shoe insert. Bad Dog.

Sorry for leaving you home alone for 13 hours, buddy. I gotta at least pretend to try to pass the GA bar.

Speaking of the bar...I've taken 2 weeks off from my unpaid apprenticeship. At the apprenticeship, there is an IT contractor girl who I like and who is very thoughtful. She has told me almost daily for the past month that I look tired. And my answer always is that I am tired. I need a refresher. I need a job that pays, I need a vacation. I'd also like someone who cares about me for once.

Kate Middleton, a commoner and the daughter of a merchant,

caught the eye of a prince (in a see-through dress) and married him. I'm not hoping for a prince, but I think I do deserve an equal

partner (who will serenade me, is willing to dance with me, and maybe massage my back and do the dishes). And I don't think I should have to wear a see-through dress for that, the cookies should be enough.

short update (10+ mo.)

It's been 4 months since my last post...
...and I've become an unhappy individual. Maybe the braces were keeping my life in perspective for me. Law school sucks butt right now. It's more like law school sucks the life out of my soul. But anyways, March is fastly approaching and surprise, surprise, we get a spring break!!!! Who would've guessed? So I'll be going home to wish my mommy a happy 53rd birthday and see my OS for a 6-month follow up.
I think I'm going to ask to get at least some of my hardware taken out. My lower left jaw has very sharp, hard bumps on the surgery site and the doc said it's bone growth and would smooth out eventually but I have a feeling it might be a screw working its way out. Besides, the skin on that area is almost always slightly irritated. I might be developing adult acne, but then it's strange that it's mostly just in that area. And that side/part always hurts most when I try to bite...which reminds me, I can eat slivered and blanched almonds!!!! That's huge progress...I started w/ single pieces over Christmas. I even try sandwiches and I'm not too shabby w/ them, but sometimes when the bread is crusty, I still have major issues. I'm happy about the progress. It's been just over 10 months now.













<-This is me about 10 months ago...













This is me like 9 months ago...-->









And this is me today. As you can see, both me and my siamese twin aren't happy about law school...and the hopelessness that studying brings to my life.












BUT...I have an interview w/ CVLS in March! Yay! An interview for an unpaid legal job!!! woohoo!!! I already asked my parents and I'll be allowed to live at home if I get that job so I just have to pay for commuting and maybe for some minimal spending money. I really, really, really don't want to take out any loans at all for the summer. I might also be applying for funding from public interest funds/support organizations...but that means more work.
I just submitted a proposal for a summer internship with the World Health Organization in Geneva, Switzerland! I really hope I get it. The funding that's available thru the Global Health Initiative here is a maximum of $5000 and it won't cover even half of my 10-week minimum stay in Geneva (only one of the top 5 most expensive European cities to live in!). But I guess it's interesting opportunities to work w/ some international organizations on international law and human rights issues. I really hope I get it.
I also have 4 scheduled interviews w/ some public interest internship positions here in GA on Friday...and a couple stand-by interviews too. Kinda hoping for an offer from a paying position, even if it's minimal, it would help out my impoverished status.


well...back to studying Property....practice exam tomorrow. phooey.

nekked teef

yes, I've got them, as of Saturday, October 18, 2008.  That day will forever be branded in my brain...along w/ April 3, 2008, they day of my orthognatic surgery, and April 10, 2006, my first day at my first real job, and May 15, 2005, my graduation from Duke, ...August 25, 2008? my first day of law school?  maybe not.  I did want to quit everything and curl up into a fetal position and ask to be admitted to a hospital or a group home.But, as per usual, I digress...I should post the pictures of my buttery sheens right now.

The Close-up:

        And another w/ the essix retainers...

The debracification wasn't so bad.  The brackets popped off fairly easily and I didn't notice the first half of the lower coming off b/c I anticipated more pain.  But when the rings around the back molars came off, there was a slight stench...it's been 2 and a half years, my friends!!!

The part that was painful was the grinding away of the glue...my front teeth are sensitive and

 the assistant had to hold my tongue back b/c apparently it was getting in the way and my dentist was afraid of cutting it.  I still spat out blood and grit when they told me to brush....it was scary brushing w/out braces for the first time in over 2.5 yrs.

My teeth and gums hurt still when I brush them...it's been 3 days now.  Oh well...I'll learn, right?

I want to use some whitening strips, but my fr

ont teeth, especially the lower ones, are very sensitive right now.  Will it be bad?

Oh, and my panoramic and profile x-rays looked really good on the screen.  My chin's gotten longer, even w/out the genio.  They didn't print anything for me this time.  I wanna get a hold of my chart from my OS or my OD...I think they share the electronic records.

W/out my braces, my teeth look longer and the overall effect is an elongated lower face.  The surgery did a good bit, but w/ the braces, my lower face still looked a little on the small side (no complaints b/c it's 200% better than before!) but I was wondering if I should've had the genio.  In April was glad they didn't go for the genio b/c it would've been more bruises, more pain and more swelling.  But until this weekend, I started wondering if it would've been better.  Now, I'm 100% sure a genio would have bordered on over-kill.  My naked teeth makes my smile/mouth look longer, and adds to 

the longer jaw to make my face look kinda longish.  I have a very round face, or did, but it's now more oval, I think.  

...to be honest, I actually was motivated to post b/c I just had oatmeal, w/ gooey, melted cottage cheese and a small dash of blueberry kefir.  Soooo delicious!!!

So it was 1 packet of organic mixed berry oatmeal (from Costco) moistened w/ just enough milk to 

moisten all the oats, microwaved for 1 minute.  Then boiling water is added until it's softer, stirred and nuked for another minute.  Then a little more boiling water is added to a soft consistency and nuked again for a minute, in 20 second spurts...the top will be a little glossy-looking.  Then, about 3 Tbs of cottage cheese is thrown on top and stirred in...it gets all gooey like melted cheese!!!

I topped it w/ maybe a couple tablespoons of low fat blueberry kefir, and it was extra good, and cooled the mix down a bit for me to devour.  Yum!

What am I doing making oatmeal at 10:30 pm?  I'm on antibiotics again...I peed blood on Sunday night like the hour I got to my apt from the airport...and called student health.  The on-call doctor told me I needed to have my urine tested, either at the emergency room b/c it was like 9 pm or 1st thing in the morning at 8 am...I had an 8:30 am class and didn't feel like missing it (again, tho I had a legit reason this time).  So I went to the emergency room on Sunday night...the on-call doctor had to give me directions to it.  And was there pretty much all night...got home past 1 am.  I have a bladder infection...I've never had a  UTI before.  I'm on drugs that make me pee orange now, and the ER doctor prescribed some antibiotics called Nitrofurantoin-Macro.

But them bad boys didn't work so I had to go to student health again this afternoon.

Fortuitously, there were some med students who came to study in our library and one of them was in scrubs.  I had just gone to the bathroom and my lower back was killing me...so bad it took me a minute to stand up straight and walk out of the stall.  My back hurt last night as I was trying to sleep/read contracts, but I thought it was b/c I was carrying heavy things around.  The med students said that if I've developed kidney pain and a day and a half of antibiotics didn't make me feel better, then I need to go see a doctor again, soon.  They convinced me that I don't want to go to the ER again so I went to Student Health, called on my way and got an appt on an emergency basis, again.  

The nurse practicioner I saw today is sending my urine sample to get some lab work done.  Apparently the ER didn't really do that.  They noted that there was alot of white blood cells in my urine on Sunday, and the nurse today said she saw lots of bacteria in my urine today.  But then she said b/c my sample wasn't great today (I gave all I had, but it was only about half a cup of dark orange-brown stuff) if the lab thinks too much surface bacteria got in, they'll throw it out.  I'm now on Cipro and I'm going to have to see her again on Friday morning, and if things get worse, before Friday.  I hate this.  I hate going to the hospital/clinic...I hate seeing doctors, unless it's my OR or OD b/c I'm so used to them and their offices that it's not stressful at all.

In happier news:

I'm learning to use my front teeth...the upper ones don't work very well.

I'm scared I'm going to knock over my teeth when I brush...

My essix retainers (yes, I have both upper and lower) are squishy...and I'm supposed to wear them 24-7 for 3 months, then every night for the next 6 months or so...then every other night for the rest of my life.  And, I can't even drink warm water w/ them on b/c they'll melt, or anything other than cool water b/c it'll stain.  I'm not allowed to brush it.  So, I did what someone else said they were doing and bought some effervescent denture soak...but the water turns blue and I'm scared of having blue-tinted retainers.  :)  I think I talk funny w/ it on, but my friends say only some words are lispy.

AND, my grandmother moved to the States again!!!  We saw each other for the first time in like 6 yrs...it was sad having to say good bye again.  Her hand shakes now b/c she's had two brain surgeries in the past 10 yrs to drain abscess in her skull...then to replace the piping.  She also shrunk a little more.  

Here's my fav. grandmother and me, I tower over her and I'm only 5'2"...she's so funny; she said I grew taller since the last time I saw her...I told her how short and small I am compared to the rest of the world and she said it's been a source of pain all her life to be so short.  She understands me. :)

this time next week...

...I'll hopefully be in bed (most likely not) smiling in my new essix retainer with my slimy, naked teeth.  But I'll probably just be up trying to understand Contracts, possibly some UCC rule or frantically reading and trying to grasp the point of some long-winded case.  Or, trying to read legal methods, trying to make sure I have something substantive to say when I'm sitting in a class where the meaning has been lost on me.

but at least I won't be metal mouth anymore.  I'll miss my rubber bands.  I eat one every other day it seems.  I don't bother to take them out when I eat b/c I eat too often, and usually it's grosser to take them out, and I have no where to store them while I'm eating.

My jaws hurt more these days.  I think probably stress.  My skin is terrible.  It looks like I've been stung by every harmful bug on this planet and I've been left with welts and scars, and some sort of mini plough has run through my face and upturned the smoothness...all from lack of sleep and stress?  Maybe.  I also think maybe some of the chemicals from the surgery (now 6 months and 10 days since I went under) and all the extra doxycylcine hycate and morphine and ammoxcilin, tylenol w/ codene and other crap that was injected into me hasn't completely left my system.

I hope I won't need a splint after the rubber bands come off...I hope I don't ever grind my teeth anymore.  I hope I don't even clench, but I think I do.

I noticed today that I can stick my lower jaw out really far now...but I still bite down to the side instead of straight down.  Don't know what that is, but it's kinda annoying.

In good news, I started using my front teeth to bite into things.  It's still not perfect, and usually it hurts, but I'm trying it out on softer things.  I still can't eat stuff like nuts (unless it's slivered and on the icing of a cake so I can see that I'm eating it and anticipate it.  if it's inside the cake, then it gets dangerous).  I'm generally excited about loosing these brackets.  I still get sore, torn tongue sides and over-rubbed parts inside my mouth.  

Oh, a couple weeks ago, I test drove a Vespa...I have my eye on a yellow Vespa LX (I think that's the 50 cc one for which I won't need a motorcycle license in this state).  But I want to take classes before I purchase and if I'm going to take classes I might as well get the license and get the 150 cc size.  Those things are heavier than I thought and I'm so short that either I get custom seats or have to be on tippy-toes when not in motion and even then it can very well fall on me if I'm not careful.  I'm not strong enough or heavy enough to handle the weight.  But I really want a scooter.  I think I want that yellow Vespa badly, but it can't be my first.  It's too nice to ruin and I'm sure I'll drop it as a newbie.

  I also want to learn on a cheaper, smaller scooter...something like a Honda Metropolitan, which is also a 50 cc engine.  But that's still about 1.5 times my body weight (probably more) and although it's about 3 inches shorter than a Vespa, it may still be a bit heavy for me.  But then these are motorized vehicles and probably won't be any lighter.  I may start off w/ a no-name scooter that's small and light.

  A guy in my class told me where he got his and said I can probably find a small one to fit me.  We'll see.  I think maybe next semester, b/c I'm running out of funds already this semester and the weather's getting wetter and colder...which isn't really scaring me b/c winters are so mild here compared to Chicago.

In other news...law school is still whooping my butt pretty bad.  I have a 'practice exam' in torts this coming Thursday and I haven't gotten around to outlining for it.  And didn't even look at the practice question my professor passed out over a week ago.  And I still haven't visited my contracts prof and still fear nausea and possibly throwing up if I find my name up on the board to be called on in class that day.  My prof picks 2 ppl from the seating chart or roster per class and picks on those 2 throughout the entire class...and we're half way through the semester and I haven't been called on...I feel like throwing up just thinking about being called on in that class.  I was called on in every class but Contracts and Civ. Pro.

  I'm not too scared about being called on in Civ. Pro. b/c our prof is hilarious and super entertaining, and it seems like he harasses (in a good way) the guys more consistently than he does the ladies.  And, I read the horn book...and sometimes skim the case book and he talks about every point in the horn book, so I should be able to follow along...and every Friday, we get these clickers and he gives us multiple choice questions to "vote" on and go over the answers.  I'm getting better at it.  In the beginning I would get nervous and just choose a letter/number and send it w/out understanding the question or the answer choices, even though everything's anonymous.  But now I'm getting the concepts more and answering more of the questions correctly.

Oh, and the asian american law students association (hereafter, AALSA) finally got out the 1L outlines compilation and the only class I can use any of those outlines is in Civ. Pro.  Sad.  Not a single outline for my Torts, Contracts or Legal Methods classes.  My Contracts prof is new so it's natural that no one has had her, but my profs for Torts and Legal Methods are old timers here...I'm saddened.  I have to study that much harder now, and I'm a bad student.

and to procrastinate, I retook a dumb quiz on line on what kind of guy is the best fit for me...last time it was a tie btwn the gentleman and the geek.  this time, it's a sensitive guy...I don't know which really is the best fit for me.  I think I'm too eclectic for any stock answer to fit me perfectly.

...law school is killing me

and maybe my new jaws.

I used to do what my doctor called "cheating" w/ my jaw, sticking it as far out as I could to try to look normal/see if my teeth were going to come together.  And maybe stress is making me do that again.  I'm wasting energy being stressed out w/ my legal writing assignments and not understanding my casebook readings and just general 1L angst.  Despite the fact that I know that I'm doing this, I continue...and I noticed something last night.

My front teeth were hurting and I couldn't figure it out.  and I think it's stress-related.  I think I'm pushing my lower jaw forward, not b/c I need to, but b/c it's what I used to do to deal w/ stress before my surgery.  Before surgery, my front teeth never had a chance at touching so my teeth never hurt, but since almost all my teeth touch now (yipee!!!!) my lower teeth back up straight into my upper teeth and by my pushing my jaw forward, the pressure makes my teeth hurt.  I was actually a little excited at first, thinking that all of a sudden my wires got tight in my mouth and my braces were working really hard to that final push to debracification.  But no.  I'm pretty sure all my old dealing w/ stress tricks are now causing auxiliary issues now.

Great. so law school is causing damage to my spankin' new jaws.  Awesome, just awesome, isn't it?  I'm hoping really, really, really hard that I don't start grinding my teeth again b/c that'll be the worst case scenario, b/c I really don't want to go back to splints and mouth guards.

But this too, shall pass.  As will my 1L year and all of law school...in 3 years if I'm good and follow the plan.  ugh.  following plans suck.

But debrcification is cool!!!!  One more month and I'll see my buttery sheens (which will be turned back into bright bites in due time) all naked!  :)  I'll miss 'em rubber bands, but won't miss these metal clunkers.  ...okay, focus on notes and class now. :)

whoa! almost week 14!

it's been 3 months...on July 3rd. Amazing how time flies, and I think I'm about 95% back to my normal activities and energy levels. Totally psyched! I skip and run and hop around the office on occasion again. (maybe to some others' dismay)

I hope everyone had a great 4th of July weekend! Even if you're not in the US of A, hope you had a fantastic weekend. The weather in Chicago was a little chilly on the 3rd, pleasant on the 4th, absolutely heavenly on the 5th and can't remember the 6th. :)
I skipped the Taste of Chicago again this year. I probably wouldn't have been able to eat anything anyways...even my usual bag of bing cherries from the Dominick's tent. Maybe some other year. I was so close the whole time! I could look out the south windows of the office and look down at the Taste, and was in Millennium Park on Sat. but we decided to get Jamba Juice and watch Kung Fu Panda. FUN!

I don't have much to report, other than that I jump and skip and run now. I was never a good runner so that's not coming easily, but ballet has been fun, tho surprisingly, the turns are harder to get back into. Something about not being able to spot and being deathly afraid of getting dizzy for fear of falling is keeping me back more than usual. The jumps aren't as intimidating, surprisingly enough, but I also try to land very carefully through the toe-ball-heel motion as to kill any jarring up my knees and head. I also keep my tongue between my teeth to cushion and hard landings. So overall, my jumps are better b/c I'm so careful not to hurt myself.
I'm also eating ground meat and over-boiled veggie soups. Still no chicken or steak or slabs of meat or crisp veggies. It's been nearly 14 weeks! It'll be week 14 tomorrow. So overall nutrition consumption is getting better...however, in a TMI sorta way, bowel movements are not doing so awesome. I think the lack of fiber is attributing. I always forget to supplement my fiber w/ powders. It's not that I'm not regular, it's more that it's painful coming out and even difficult...and it's a lot less than what it was before, even since the surgery.
The odd part is that I'm not exactly ballooning back to my pre-surgery weight as I had expected I would once I can start ordering off restaurant menus (stuff like Shepard's pie and grilled fish w/ rice or soft rolls are what I go for). I think I gained some mass but the poundage is still hovering around the -10 lbs mark. Maybe I had lost more than 10 lbs and I was just in denial...and actually gained some back and now can read the scale more accurately so think I'm the same. I'm scared of gaining everything back. I want to loose an extra 10 lbs from now, and I think by now it's safe if I do loose some. But since I'm only 5'2", I may have to take it slow...like do it over 4 months instead of 2.
I lost my butt and I'm not happy about that. I don't know how to get it back, other than gain tons of weight but that would make me look fat and the rest of my body will also gain weight. I don't think I can keep up w/ stuff like lunges b/c I'm not a huge "exercise" person. Which is why I dance, b/c I enjoy it and it improves my posture and loosens my tight back/neck. And dancing increases my understanding of the human physiology in an organic way and helps me to appreciate the arts. The exercise is like a plus side to it...but anyways, yeah.

I'm getting ready to move down to Atlanta in August. For law school!!! I'm also on the wait-list at a school here in Chicago, which would be nice if I could get in, but it's a less fun school. On the other hand, law school is more about learning and getting ahead in that specific field than about fun, unlike undergrad, where fun/networking/friendships/social was just as important as academic pursuits and development towards a career or field. So keep your fingers crossed for me and remember me in your prayers, everyone!
As part of going away to law school, I will be quitting my job. I tendered my official letter of resignation from my first-ever real job on Thurs, July 3rd. They knew I was quitting and even knew the date, but asked for an official letter so I wrote one in about 5 mins and submitted it before heading out to the long weekend. I will miss this firm and the ppl and the contacts and the regularity...even though the regularity is fastly becoming tedium for me in recent months. July 18, 2008 is my last day here. Wow...it would have been 2 years, 3 months and 1 week (8 days, but a week is close enough) since my start date, which is a week after I got my braces to start this orthognathic correction process. I'm happy it all happened, tho I would've enjoyed more of a bohemian lifestyle for those right-after-college years. I'm glad I got to see that I'll survive the corporate world, and maybe even come out of it w/ my initial crazy spirit intact.

So that's my update. I still want to find more no-chew recipes. One of my very good friends is gonna have her tonsils removed in early August and she was told that she'll be off solids for 2 weeks!!! So I fully intend on giving her some tips on liquid foods...I'm almost an expert now, right? hahaha....


....my lower left jaw hurts right now. Like right where the metal plates are. The right side doesn't hurt at all. Making me a little concerned. It feels a little harder/larger and a bit warmer than the other side. Argg....my metal plates haven't hurt much for the past week and now this is making me nervous.

Quarter-Century Lived

Hey all,
I feel old. Quarter-century old, to be exact. Yeah. Thought I'd say something but words escape me. Wow, what a rarity. But worry naught, verbiage will visit me again soon.
I wanted to go down to the farmer's market in our building's plaza today to buy some eucalyptus for my new office to mask the icky new varnish smell from the new furniture, but I was literally slammed w/ too much work today. Yesterday I was blowing imaginary bubbles and trying hard to look busy and today I didn't sit for 10 minutes in silence. I was constantly asked to come look at something, called on to update the progress of projects and start new indicies and given advice on future choices. Wow, it's been a full day at work. But I don't even have a slice of cake or a scoop of ice cream to welcome me into the second quarter century. I've been given a few cards...including the mandatory birthday card from the Chicago office head, P. Suse...and several dozen facebook wall scribbles and messages and e-mails.
I have to go to a DCC meeting after work...they may want to buy me a drink at the bar we'll go to post-meeting. But I sorta want to go to my first movie night at the residence of some boy I do not know yet, but I know other regulars of the movie nights and I'll go meet the host boy and see my dear friends. I hope this isn't an omen about how my life is going to be for the next 25 years...full of busy work and unmanageable and unpredictable projects. I hope it'll be more fun and relaxing than the first 25 years have been...at least I'll have functional teeth and jaws to work with!
I was not planning on really celebrating my birthday this year b/c I thought back, and in the past it's always over some great food. And since I can't really eat, there's no point...but at the request of some friends, I'm planning my own b-day dinner. I want Ethiopian, and I want a bunch of my gals to come together...I haven't restricted it as a girls' night yet, but I may. I don't know of any guys interested in coming to my b-day dinner anyways. And Tigist says she knows of a new place that's even better than the Queen of Sheba and I'm eager to try it out! :) And hopefully they'll roast some coffee beans when we're done and let us waft the aroma and drink mini tasses of sweet Ethiopian coffee.
That's my wish. I asked my parents to take me to Sweet Tomatoes for my birthday and my mom refused. She said, "and pay for a buffet when you're going to drink broth and can't touch any of the salads?" I retorted, "I'll eat the soupy parts of the soups and some of the breads and some of the pastas!" And my dad chimed in, "you can go have the frozen yogurt." Then he digressed to new Red Mango locations opening around Chicago and the suburbs. I want to go try it out...I just want some cake and ice cream. It's my birthday, afterall.
-Grace

ouchies. and snapping elastics

My elastics on the right side keeps on snapping every few days while the ones on the left have never snapped. I spent the whole day yesterday w/out elastics b/c the right side snapped the night before and I forgot to replace elastics in the morning. And by last night I couldn't figure out what was going on w/ my bite. It was skewed and my left molars were smashing against each other or scrunching up and my right molars didn't feel like they were closing at all. :(

Once I put the elastics back on my bite returned to normal w/in half an hour, but I can't figure out why my right elastics keep on snapping while the left side never snaps. I did notice while I was putting the elastics back on last night that some are skinnier than others, but I can't believe that for one, there are that many irregularly skinny elastics in my bunch and two, that I consistently put skinnier/weaker ones on my right side and the thicker/stronger ones on my left. I'm not that gifted.

In any case, can I keep these elastics for as long as I have braces? I didn't like the way my bite screwed itself up w/out them in a day. It troubled me dearly until I got the elastics back on. For a hysterical second I thought maybe I've really screwed things up and all b/c I was neglectful...and forgetful. But now that the bite feels as good as ever, I wanna keep these forever. If I my mouth can't remember how to bite correctly w/out elastics and outside help after less than 24 hours of free-flapping, then I don't know how I'm going to manage w/out them long-term.

The ouchies refer to my metal plates and screws. I feel them. The ones closest to my nose. The ones holding my lower jaw hurt occasionally but I never feel them independent of the pain. Even when it hurts, it's not like I feel the metal plates, it's more of a dull pain on either side of my lower jaw, usually in the mornings after I'd slept on one side. I feel the metal plates holding my upper jaw together 24-7. The ones closer to my ears aren't as bothersome and I only feel those when I apply gentle pressure, they feel like they're poking my teeth roots. But the ones next to my nose are troublesome. They hurt and make noise randomly that only I can hear. The ones on the right side hurt w/out even being touched, and I feel pokey things. I don't really want another surgery to have them removed b/c stitches under my upper lip lasted at least a whole month and were the most painful ones of all...and my upper lip kinda got sucked up into my mouth after the surgery and they're just now beginning to loosen and become a little fuller again. But I feel the dumb plates all the time and they hurt even when I'm not bothering them. :( I really want to just get used to the feeling, but I don't like the feeling of scratchy metal rubbing on my bones...or screws working loose...this might be in my imagination, but the weird sounds every once in a while doesn't help.

Honestly, I can't feel the gap I felt where they cut my upper jaw that I felt the first month post-op. And I don't hear as much liquid/bubbles passing through that gap, or bones creaking around in there, but the teeny, very occasional noises scare me more now than those louder, bubbly feelings of yore.

Oh well, I go see Dr. Heffez again on Monday after my first whole month away from my doctor! And, to add to the excitement of next week, I get to go see my orthodontist for the first time since the surgery on Tuesday! I've been "released to Dr. Kusnoto" as Dr. Heffez says :) yay!?!? I'm happy about this release, but kinda not so excited about the orthodontics part...sooner I start it, the sooner I'll be done (damn those necessary evils). On a brighter note, it'll be sunny tomorrow and won't rain (or so weather.com says...tho it's been raining for the past week and a half and it's supposed to rain on Sunday)! Wheee!!!

inching towards week 10

I just had another food idea…this is turning into more of a food blog now that I’m eating and recovering. It helps that I’m not in constant excruciating pain, or dripping blood out of my nose. The snack/mini-meal that made me happy today was a quickie-bread pudding-like thing w/ mashed bananas and almond butter. I mashed a banana and ate half and pushed the other half to the side of the dish. Then I took half a slice of wheat bread and tore it into 3 pieces. Then I smeared a little less than a tablespoon of almond butter on the pieces of bread. Next I topped the almond butter w/ a teaspoon of thick honey, evenly divided among the 3 pieces. I arranged it on the dish w/ the mashed bananas, the bananas scooped on top of the bread, sorta covering it all. Next I added a splash of milk and microwaved it for 30 seconds. It was slightly warm and the milk was absorbed. I added about a 1/3 cup of milk and ate! It didn’t look awesome but tasted really good!

It’s been 2 months and although my doctor didn’t give the official go-ahead to run, I jogged a little to catch a train on Friday and to catch up to someone on Saturday. I’ll see my surgeon again in about a week, and I’m pretty sure he’ll let me get back to normal activities. I am itching to go back to ballet. I’m going to go back to classes and just do the barre and the center floor stuff and excuse myself for the hard stuff like jumps and such, this week. As long as it’s no impact I’m sure it’ll be okay.

It’s storming really badly and there’s been several severe rain, thunder and possibly hail warnings in this area in the past 2-3 days. It’s wicked humid and can get hot enough so that it feels unbearable and icky b/c the sweat won’t dry in the sick humidity. It’s storming now…lots of loud, rumbling thunder that vibrates through the house and lots of lightening.
I love watching the lightening…ever since some “Korean language camp for MK’s” I suffered through during the week of Easter break in 8th grade. It stormed one night and the electricity went out so all of us were gathered in the mess-hall type place called the Ark, probably after dinner and it was raining so bad that none of us wanted to trudge through the mud rivulets to get to our respective cabin-bunking areas. Hak was strumming a guitar, Hannah Lee totally into him, some telling scary stories to the little ones, the really little ones crying or clinging to their mothers who were volunteers or to the other teachers/adults. I don’t remember what I was doing, but I wandered over to a large window and just stared out at the night and the rain. And lightening struck! It illuminated the entire garden I was looking out into; everything was washed in a bluish-white light for a fraction of a second. Fascinated, I kept my post and a little later, another lightening! And this time it was a purplish light, it was so beautiful. I think my friend Esther found me and joined me for a bit and I explained to her the beauty of lightening. She watched w/ me for a while then got bored but I kept on staring out at the pitch-dark rain, waiting for lightening, and saw so much beauty that one night. Ever since, I loved watching the world light up in the middle of the night for barely a slice of a second, hoping not to blink, b/c I’ll miss it literally in the blink of an eye.

I’ll end w/ another food thing. I made a type of savory salmon bread pudding tonight. I greased the inside of a casserole w/ a touch of butter and lined the bottom w/ the heels of a loaf of bread, torn into itty-bitty pieces. I ripped the edges off of 3 and a half more slices of bread, tore it into bits and added them to the bottom. I then opened and drained a can of salmon, flaked it w/ some fresh-ground black pepper and spread it evenly over the bits of bread. I sprinkled maybe a tablespoon of parmesan cheese over the salmon and sprinkled about a teaspoon each of lemon pepper and garlic pepper over that. I then thawed about a cup and a half to 2 cups of a tomato and cheese soup that I froze a few weeks ago b/c it tasted more like sauce than soup, and spread that over the salmon. I tore the crust-less slices of wheat bread into more itty bits and evenly covered the tomato and cheese soup-sauce layer. I sprinkled sweet paprika powder on top for flavor and color. Over that, I poured a mixture of 1 egg beaten w/ a cup of milk and just a splash of chicken broth. I let it sink in, and b/c it wasn’t soaking into the bottom of the casserole, I poured more chicken broth along the edges and poked a butter knife through to the bottom in several places, easing the liquids down. I baked it for 45 minutes at 350 degrees Fahrenheit and b/c the center wasn’t set and still a little eggy, left it on 300 degrees for 15 minutes longer, covered it b/c the edges were getting crispy and it could be tough to eat. It turned out well, I never added salt to any of it b/c the soup-sauce had salt in it, the chicken broth was seasoned, and the garlic pepper and lemon pepper had salt too.
It was good. Probably about 1000 calories for the whole thing but it could easily be 6 meals for me. Yum…and nutritious too!!! I think it’s a good carb-and-protein balance, esp compared to the amount of protein I’ve been managing to consume. I need more fresh veggies soon or I’ll develop some sort of deficiency.
It’s late so I’ll go nite-nite! The storm seems to have quelled…

Snapped Elastics and Pancakes

drumroll, please....


I've eaten pancakes! Twice! The first was at McDonald's, which I haven't been to in...possibly over a year. But their "hotcakes" were very soft and yummy w/ syrup.

And this morning, I ate part of a pancake from that food bar thing downstairs from my office building. It was a little crummy...in more than one sense. But I paid $2.50 for that single pancake (they weigh the food and charge an index finger per pound) so I attempted it. The "crust" was too hard, and I snapped an elastic band while eating it. I hoped it would last me the day. I don't have any at work...
...should I remove all of them and go w/out for one day? I don't want my bite being skewed b/c I'm only wearing elastics on one side...

So I've decided that since I'm up and walking around during breakfast hours at Micky-D's, I should go in and get just their hotcakes once a week. It'll be a treat for me until I can eat real food.
My main concern about food continues to be protein. I was never a big protein eater, but I am getting worried that I'm not getting enough of it b/c most proteins come in hard-to-eat formats like steak, cottage cheese, protein bars, eggs or in icky protein shakes. I have been fastidious in thinking about how to consume more protein but haven't been fastidious in trying out new ways. Scrambled eggs are doable now that I'm more capable of swallowing bigger bits of solids, but still a couple spoonfuls are about my limit before they get stuck in my braces or spat out.

My left joint area has been in alot of pain recently and I've reverted to sleeping w/ my hand pressed against whichever side jaw is on the pillow...


....later that night....
I was forced to work past 9 pm. I worked more today than I have any other day since the surgery. Over 10.5 hours! And it feels like I haven't slept in 2 or 3 days...even though that's not true. My body isn't really what it used to be, maybe in a few more months I'll get my energy back.

Some Updates, Thoughts and Food Ideas

Just some updates:

If I didn't insert spaces via "ctrl+v" then thisiswhatmysentenceswouldlooklike. I think when I drooled into my keyboard, my spacebar's link to the controls were zapped. Ooops. But at least everything else seems to work!
So, I type very slow now.

On Wednesday morning, after brushing my teeth, I noticed that my midlines have drifted about 2 mm away from each other. To me, it looked as if my lower jaw had shifted 2 mm over to the right. Right, BIG SHOCK. Huge Dissappointment and fear and anger at the situation. So I e-mailed my doctor while at work and waited...and he replied and wanted to see me on Thursday. Big relief. So at 3 pm, Thursday, I went in for an emergency follow-up. And the OS determined that it's only a shift of the teeth, not the jaws actually moving. I was so relieved. So I'll take a couple pictures to post. I took a couple pictures at work with my cell phone after reading the e-mail from my doctor, but I think I'll prefer pictures taken with my real camera.
Some more good news is that my doctor has released me to the pancake houses. He said I can try spaghetti and pancakes and the like. I'm pretty excited about pancakes. I haven't tried them yet but I can't wait! I opened my can of Spaghetti-O's today and was sorely dissappointed in the taste. I'm pretty sure I didn't eat it as a child and didn't eat much canned foods since my mom was a pretty good cook and a health-nut who didn't believe in canned foods for even occasional consumption when fresh-cooked food was avaliable.I now agree with her. I didn't then. But I really don't understand what's so great about Spaghetti-O's. It was pretty nasty and bland. I'll probably eat the other half later, but only after I find a way to remedy the taste, or the lack thereof.

In other news, I went to my first "social" event since my surgery on Thursday! Btw, Thursday marked week 6 exactly. I went to the Korean-American Bar Association of Chicago's Annual Banquet. I didn't drink any drinks or eat the dinner, but I had gone for the keynote speaker, Yul Kwon, the winner of Survivor Cook Islands. He was pretty cool and amazingly smart and insightful. He was also very driven, passionate and sensitive to many issues concerning Asian Americans. And I obtained his e-maile address. He's engaged. So it wasn't for stalking reasons, trust me. The lucky lady isn't Becky Lee (?), one of his co-Survivor friends. But it's for future networking. I let him know that I had jaw surgery 6 weeks ago so he doesn't think me speech-impaired. I find that I sound muffled even when I try to talk w/ my mouth open, etc. I ate the scalloped potatoes, mashed w/ my fork and I ate the custard filling of two fruit tarts, leaving two cookie-based tart shells and pineapple, kiwi and mandarine sections. I mashed a few mandarine sections and slivers of kiwi and they were so good...I miss fresh fruit.

And, I, Grace Ha, who never wins anything, won a raffle prize! A $25 gift certificate to some restaurant! I don't have it yet but Charles Kim, president of KABA and a partner at the firm I work for, also a fellow alumni of Duke University, promised he'll bring it to me on Monday. Yipee! I was so excited, I jumped up from my seat. My doctor had said earlier that same afternoon that I'm still ordered off aerobic exercise and similar activities. Jumping and running were out...but it was involuntary. I was just really happy.


...Updates on Sunday...

I tried, at the suggestion of another ortho-sufferer, vanilla ice cream with apple sauce! Deeeeelicious! She said it would taste like apple pie a la mode, and maybe so...I just thought it was great and tasted of summer. I bought Brown Sugar Vanilla ice cream. YUUMMMM....
I also tried vanilla yogurt w/ apple sauce. Less cold, less sweet, more healthy. It tastes a little different but still really good. Maybe w/ a dash of cinnamon it'll be better. I still haven't tried pancakes yet, but I think that'll be a real treat. Noodles were a dissappointment in the past two days, especially the canned Spaghetti-O's. Yuck. I think the over-cooked Udon noodles were pretty good and I even felt pretty full after eating just some of it.
I find that the space between my upper and lower molars is too large for proper chewing. Or maybe, my senseless upper teeth just can't do their thing well enough to masticate soggy food particles. Either way, I'll have to learn how to eat solids again. Kinda like a 2-yr-old.

drool and pictures update

I was about to turn off my computer and turn in so that I'll be ready for the big day ahead. Given that I've burned through most of my paid time off (PTO) from work, I really need to gear up for longer days, if not full days, at work.
With my newly acquired Zip n Squeeze bags (4 extra-long puree bags and one shorter puree bag) , I think I'll be equipped food-wise to stay at work longer. I practiced eating two meals with it on Sat., and feel fairly confident that b/c the increased rate at which I can pump my food into my mouth w/ these things, I could possibly get more into my stomach before the gag reflexes hit, resulting in more consumption per attempt.

But the real reason why I didn't shut my computer off and go to bed was b/c I yawned (and I just read an msnbc article on yawning which told me nothing definitive about why we yawn...just new findings to buttress the fact that we don't know why we yawn), and DROOLED. Lots. Into my keyboard. I'm now afraid that the amount of saliva that has seeped into the space between the spacebare and the edge of the computer will be the death of this dear old laptop. Yikes. Already things are a malfunction i ng. I amgoing to CRY. `m,
At leastt the mouse is working. :(
But the space bar, backspace and enter are havingi`y] issues. And making weird noises. :( And randomly pulling up STrange commands like the all-caps and search tools.
`m
`m

The good news was that I learned how to get pictures off the cell phone and now have the pre surgery pics and the single post-op ICU picture saved on this here defective computer.

I am really sad about this tragedy. I wrote so many papers and random things on this device. Goodnight. The pasting of spaces between each word using the ctrl + v instead of the spacebar has become too hard.