Grief, and Perspective

I cried in my office, again.  This time, b/c I just happened to check fb on my phone.
Someone I knew, and played with as a child, passed away.  She was found collapsed in her apartment last Monday by her coworkers, who came to check on her when she didn't show up to work.  I don't understand what was the medical problem, but she was in a coma, medically induced and there were difficulties getting her body temperatures to normalize.  It was too low, then got a fever, and things were looking to level out and her family was looking to get her some intensive treatment as soon as she woke up from the coma, after she was weaned off the sedatives.  It just so sudden.

Her mother, Mrs. G, was the home ec teacher at the K-12 school I attended 6th thru 12th grade.  I am 2 years older than her, and was actually better friends with her twin sister when we were preteens.  Here's the fact that worsens this tragedy and loss.  Her twin sister passed away less than a year ago, after just over 10 years of suffering and living in a wheel chair with brain damage.
I remember where I was and what my reaction was when I first heard of N, the 1st twin's condition.  I was at my desk in my sophomore year dorm room in Few Quad, HH 020 was the room number.  I remember feeling the blood drained from my head and down my neck and seemed to just drain down and away.  I was speechless and still for a full 30 minutes, during which time I had started crying and my roommate noticed the silent tears.  And after a while I willed myself to move and talk and told her what I just found out.  N had gone into the hospital for some benign abscess in her head, and it was drained and she was discharged, no problem.  Then her condition got bad and she was rushed to the ER, and they medically induced a coma, a coma from which she didn't recover.  The period of time during which her brain had insufficient oxygen supplied was too long and she suffered permanent brain damage.  N survived, and became responsive and we all had so much hope for her to heal.  She had a special wheel chair, Mrs. G found some cutting-edge treatments that had something to do with increasing oxygen supplies for periods of time as a therapy to revive brain cells and she got physical therapy.  It didn't do her very much good.  While her sisters went to college, got jobs and moved out, N lived in the wheel chair for 10 years.  My heart broke for the family, but things seemed okay.  N left this earth to regain her full, beautiful and complete function in heaven, late summer/early fall 2012.
Then R, N's twin, suddenly collapsed, and I honestly believed that she would be fine, and I thought it was just a small medical hiccup, nothing severe, scary or that it would lead to her following N away from our world.  But now Mrs. G and the family has lost both twins within a year of each other, and I am grieved.

If anyone reads this, please keep the family in your prayers.  They are not financially wealthy people and caring for N and then R, the medical bills are an unimaginable burden for them.  What's funny is that R passed away about 4 hours ago, and earlier today, I recounted in my head the story of someone dying in their office at this firm, someone who had a very unhealthy lifestyle, did little to mitigate the extreme stress, smoked and drank heavily, and literally spent most nights at the office instead of resting and rejuvenating the tired body.  I can't believe it.
It brings perspective to me, as I remember getting angry over the people in the subway not watching where they are going, eyes glued to their smart phones.  Wondering if I'm being paid comparably as a little snot-head atty in a large firm.  My worries are so insignificant and non-existent when it's put next to the pain and tragedy that my friends are suffering.  It humbles me that they are faithful and live their lives honestly in spite of their unfair share of pain at this time.  Please pray for them.

Hitting Low after Low

This Blows.

I'll start with the one thing I'm glad for.  No one is at work yet.  It's close to 11 am, and only the secretaries are here.  In fact, my own secretary isn't  at her desk.  Not that I need her to be there right now.

I'm crying in my office.  I miss Ben.  I miss Cody.  I miss my support system, my life, my friends and parents.  I miss knowing what the heck is going on around me.  I miss feeling like I have a reason to get out of bed other than making it to work on time.  I am silently wiping away my make up, before it's even noon.  I wish I was home, in bed.  Not b/c I think I can sleep, but b/c I'd rather be in the one place in this whole country where I know I am entitled to being alone.  That and the bathroom, but I have more of an exclusive right to my own bed than the bathroom, and it's more comfortable.

I thought I'd be better adjusted to Korea by the end of 2 months.  I've been here 6 full weeks.  I still have ZERO friends.  Everyone around me has their own lives and friends and have places to be and people to see, things to do.  I, on the other hand, feel lonely all day while my friends back on the western hemisphere sleep, and have to sleep when they are awake and active. 

Who knew I was a social being?  What happened to the 30% introvert?  I thought I was always okay being left alone, but maybe that is only when I feel like I have access to a social life at my fingertips.  When it's not accessible or available, I miss what I don't always like tapping into?

I'm realizing that I would MUCH, MUCH, MUCH rather be poor and have friends than be rich with no friends.  Patrizia Reggiani had it wrong.  I'd rather be laughing on a bicycle than cry in a rolls royce.  I'd rather be poor financially but rich in family and friends.  I don't understand the world's desire for money.  I like being comfortable and having nice things, having the extras on those rainy days; but I would never trade fresh air, loving family and friends, connections with my fellow humans and God for any amount of money, comfort, luxury. 

Mother Theresa, who, of all the human beings that tread his earth that I knew of, got it, seemed to know the true meaning of life.  She did it right, in the way that God saw fit for her.  And this quote from her has been inspring to me, comforting even when tears don't give me release or when I can't find purpose in my daily wanderings.
"People are often unreasonable and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives.  Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you.  Be honest anyways.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.  Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough.  Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway."

And that's where I'll leave off for now.  I am consoled, at least momentarily, though still homesick in my original homeland.  I don't know where my true home is.  This is the land of my origin, yet it is so strange and I am a stranger in it. 
The reason can't be solely because I am an American now.  That is a title and parts of America is lonely to me.  Finding home, this is my journey strewn with smiles and tears...let's hope I find it soon.

Update:  I walked by a dr's office and they let me weigh myself.  I'm underweight according to their height/weight machine.  This is KOREA, where EVERY WOMAN wants to be nothing more than a toothpick, and most women under 40 are skinny.  Why is this underweight issue plaguing me for the past 2 years?!  I just want to be at a slim, fit, healthy weight for the next 25 years. 
When my mom lost a ton of weight when we first moved from Kenya to the Chicago area, her health took a nose dive and it took her years to recover.  At one point, the doctors said her white blood cell count was at a level where she could be diagnosed with lukemia, without having any bone cancer.  I do NOT want this.  I don't care about being model-skinny.  I got over the "ideal body" long ago when I realized I won't be growing much taller, and both my parents are naturally slim people so I wasn't too worried about getting into obesity land without trying very hard to be unhealthy. 
I now weigh less than what my driver's license says.  How often is that the case with women in the modernized world obsessed with looking like starved models?