Grace's Garbled gomps

Day After Valentine's Bake-A-Thon

2012-02-16T00:32:00.007-06:00

Sleep under the stars tonight. (x2)

A gentle touch speaks volumes. (x2)

Share a secret. (x4)

Celebrate family and friends.

Share a sunset.

Do something spontaneous.

Watch the sun come up. (x2)

Make someone melt today. (x2)

Chocolate. Always your Valentine. (x2)

Remember your first crush. (x3)

Linger over chocolate longer.

Listen with your heart. (x3)

Trust with your heart, not your head.

Be your own Valentine. (x2)

Be a little mysterious. (x2)

This is what I unwrapped and read tonight. I read every single one as I unwrapped it. I was supposed to finish studying GA Remedies/Equity/Non-Monetary Damages. Instead, I made Rolo Cake Cookies, then made a variation batch with Dove chocolates. I waited a full month to make the rolo-center cookies but when I went to the drug store tonight, Rolos didn't qualify as Valentine's candy this year. I personally find Rolos super romantic and don't understand why they weren't packaged in pink and/or red bags.

Discrimination against caramel centers, I say.

So I also bought a bag of Dove dark chocolate with cherry swirl and Dove dark chocolates. I made a variation of the Rolo Chocolate Cake Cookies. I bought a box of white cake mix and made cookies w/ Dove centers...and Rolos. I told my study buddies I'll bring cookies. I think I'll give it to another study buddy...or just someone that I occasionally sit at adjacent tables with while we individually study for the GA bar.

28th Valentine's Day w/out a date. I think I'm getting used to it, despite some personal angst leading up to the day of. The actual day isn't nearly as painful as I imagine it to be. I really should get used to this. I wasn't too into it until a couple years ago when I broke up w/ a boyfriend 10 days (or maybe a week?) before Valentine's Day. Not that I spent every other Valentine's before that one being wined and dined by a boy/man pining over me.

Anyways, despite the candy I really wanted not being on the post-Valentine's day sale, I purchased it and baked cookies for my friends. I baked 6 dozen very decadent cookies...and experimented with the shapes too. Next time, I'm just sticking with the circle/ball shapes.

Happy Day After Valentine's. Or, Happy DAV for short.

Adventures in Puppyland Tidbit: I think Cody had a bit of diarrhea today. Was it the carrot I left him? Was it bits of the shoe insert he ate? He left the shoe alone...just tore up a shoe insert. Bad Dog.

Sorry for leaving you home alone for 13 hours, buddy. I gotta at least pretend to try to pass the GA bar.

Speaking of the bar...I've taken 2 weeks off from my unpaid apprenticeship. At the apprenticeship, there is an IT contractor girl who I like and who is very thoughtful. She has told me almost daily for the past month that I look tired. And my answer always is that I am tired. I need a refresher. I need a job that pays, I need a vacation. I'd also like someone who cares about me for once.

Kate Middleton, a commoner and the daughter of a merchant,

caught the eye of a prince (in a see-through dress) and married him. I'm not hoping for a prince, but I think I do deserve an equal

partner (who will serenade me, is willing to dance with me, and maybe massage my back and do the dishes). And I don't think I should have to wear a see-through dress for that, the cookies should be enough.

It's been a while...I've got a teeth update.

2012-01-17T21:07:00.008-06:00

YUP, got a teeth update. B/c, you see, this whole blog thing started as a way for me to express myself while my jaws were recovering from a 10-hour operation during which my head swelled up to twice its normal size (no, I wasn't just a fat-head back then. be nice.) and my neck looked like ppl w/ L-shaped fists punched mirror-images into my throat and everything inside my mouth was so puffy I couldn't swallow or close my lips. I bled for weeks after the surgery and would wake up in the middle of the night to painfully hack up globs of coagulated blood that collected at the back of my mouth/throat.

Needless to say, I couldn't say anything, I had stitches all around the inside of my mouth where my gums met my inner lips/cheek/flesh. I'm very well recovered now, nearly 4 years after that horrendous surgery. But, you know what? I'd do it all over again if I was presented with the choice again.

B/c now, I can bite into a sandwich in public w/out fearing the contents to be dragged out of the slices of bread, dangling like seaweed out of my sea-monster mouth. And, I can bite into a sandwich in private and I know half the insides won't be slapping on my chin. And, I can bite as self-defense if I need to. :) so many useful things I can do w/ this new BITE!

As for the migraines, mostly gone! Probably all muscle-tension triggered migraines are gone the few migraines I now have aren't nearly as drastic and painful and nauseating as they used to be, and even better, they're not a regular visitor. Just on occasional one, usually when I don't eat for a long time and my blood sugar gets low (a new development that came w/ age a couple years ago).

BUT, I didn't wear my shiny new Essix retainers and now, a front tooth shifted. So, I had to get a new retainer made to push that tooth back in its place. Sad. I need to wear it 24 hours a day for 3 months...but already I'm failing. I happen to eat at work, and then b/c I can't rinse out my mouth very well, or carry a toothbrush, I don't put it back in and I forget about it until bed time. le sigh.

So, I have a new retainer. I will post pictures with it on, but just not today. I need to go print my resume, get my stuff together for an interview (at which, I'm told by an insider, they won't be hiring anyone) but I got an interview, I signed up for a time slot and it would reflect poorly on me for my budding new career as an attorney/officer of justice to not show up just b/c I found out they're not hiring. But secretly, I hope they decide to hire me anyways. And, b/c I have to register w/ the GA Consortium of Law Schools folks 40 mins before my actual interview, I have to leave home by the awesome hour of 7:40 am. I know this probably doesn't sound too bad to most ppl who've been in the working world, but I am not a morning person and deliberately find housing close to where I have to show up to in the mornings. One day moving every time I get a new place to be, or in search of a place with an even shorter commute will not be possible (aka, one hypothetical day in which I'm married or have kids or own my dewelling place. I don't know which of these circumstances are the most unbelievable to me at this present moment.)

The new retainer cost me $150, and that's b/c my orthodontist took pity on my insurance-less state and basically charged me the lab fees. I think after I get that one tooth straightened out, I'll go back to him to get a bite-guard-splint thing made for my teeth-grinding problem. I still grind my teeth, apparently. I guess the stress from my life didn't all go away w/ the surgery. More about the woes of wearing a retainer aggressively pushing a tooth back into place to be discussed later.

In other news, I called a dentist's office and they said teeth cleaning, and an initial exam and basic x-rays are $95. Not too shabby...possibly even affordable after I scrape the bottom of my bank account to hand over to the GA Office of Bar Admissions (it's costing me more than $1000 more, that's a whole $1K, than IL did). But I'm going to call one other dentist, one that a friend recommended, to see what her prices are like. I do need a cleaning. I haven't had dental insurance since 2008, and it's been that long since I've had a cleaning. I'm overdue. It might be why I have sensitive teeth these days. I hope after the cleaning, the sensitivity will go away (????). Sounds like wishful thinking, but maybe not too out of the realm of possible realities.

Adventures in Puppyland bit: Cody is a cutie. But he loves his dog food way too much...he bit my toe/foot this morning. I'm trying to transition him out of puppy food into adult dog food and the pet store I went to didn't have the adult version of the Wellness Small Dogs Just for Puppy super5mix in the 15 lb bags. Apparently they can order the large bag, but it comes ins 12 lb bags, instead of the standard 15 lbs. So, they gave me several different sample bags of dog foods of comparable quality and price range.

Tried the Pure Vita grain free Salmon Formula a couple meals (w/ some of the old puppy mix I've been feeding him) and he's gotten some wetter stools. Not sludgy or liquidy in any way, just wetter, stickier and thus more difficult to clean up (I like his poop to just roll off the newspaper into the toilet, no shaking or shoving w/ toilet paper). It was also lighter in color. I checked the ingredients of the puppy kibbles I've been mixing and they have turkey, chicken, salmon, some other species-named fish, lamb and other stuff, so salmon isn't completely new to his diet.

I think I'm going to table Pure Vita for now, and buy some more of the Wellness just for puppy stuff (to mix into more Merrick Whole Earth Farms stuff and the remaining Royal Canin stuff...which I was told and read was not as "premium" or awesome as they say they are). I think I'll use his old mix for a bit long, to transition him into adult dog food. And, I am going to not even try the Pure Vita grain free Bison Entree sample and move on to the Taste of the Wild samples...hopefully they will agree w/ Cody's digestive tracts a little more.

Save the Date Everyone!!! Cody's 1st Birthday is Feb. 5th. If the weather's nice and the yard is dry, I am thinking of inviting his other doggy friends and their humans over for a romp in the yard and doggy birthday cake. And some of my aged glugg and/or Christmas wine for the humans/adults. Otherwise, I would have to make it an indoor event and invite less creatures into my teeny, tiny, very humble abode w/ no real seating. And then have a larger clean-up job after the guests leave.

Here's like the P.P.S. part. Remember how when we were in middle school, there was a list of P.S.'s and P.P.S.'s and P.P.P.S.'s? It's like that but I promise to stop after this. I've started studying for the GA bar examination (hopefully IL Sup. Ct. and the IARDC will get off their butts and mail in my letters of good standing so I can definitely take the 1-day attorney's examination). I bought the books and lecture notes off of a former classmate who took (and passed) the GA bar in July, instead of paying for an entire new bar course, b/c I just coulnd't afford it and figured I may not have time to do all the lectures anyways.

Here's the schedule I've come up with for the next 6 weeks:

week 1: Property and Con Law

week 2: Crim Law, Crim Pro, Agency/Partnership and Corporations and MPT

week 3: Contracts, Damages/Equitable Remedies

week 4: Torts, Evidence and Family

week 5: Wills, Trusts, Fed. Civ Pro, and GA Civ Pro

week 6: Comm. Paper, Sec. Trans., Prof. Resp. and MPT(?)

WISH ME LUCK!!!

Adventures in Puppyland: Everybody loves me, I'll still go eat some WORMS!!!

2011-10-07T23:09:00.002-05:00

Yes, you read it right. Worms. Intestinal worms. The tapey-type, from what I could tell from checking poop and comparing pictures from my internet research.

Two weeks ago, I found a few fleas on the doggy and f.r.e.a.k.e.d. o.u.t. at the self-dog-wash at the groomer's. Apparently this summer was the worst for fleas in GA. Cr-zazy. But the flea meds finally arrived, courtesy of UPS, and only about 3 days after the normal-bath-turned-flea-bath for traumatized Cody.

He survived that trauma, thankfully, but he has encountered some other....shall I say, "issues."

I don't know where he got these things, but I'm really glad I didn't give him the dewormer I got for him when he was neutered in August (yup, snip snip for a snappy little yapper). He started scooting his butt on the floor, mostly in the late evenings, about 2 days ago. It was gross, I lysol-wiped every surface I caught him doing that on. I also made him stop. He'd sit still for a while and just continue, whining just slightly as he wiped his anus on my floor. If alarms won't get me up out of bed, the sight of a dog scooting his butt mere feet away from my bed will.

Thursday night at around 2:44 am (yes, I checked what time it was), I caught him scooting his butt on the floor...I think I must have fallen into a light sleep and woke up b/c of the movement/noise. I would normally admonish the pup for being awake and go back to sleep...but this made me jump out of bed, take doggy to the bathroom and get a wet wipe and wipe his butt. In the process, I found a small, teeny oblong piece of what seemed to me like a short segment of an absurdly thin vermicelli noodle, but it was slightly pink in color. Something between white and pink w/ a twinge of beige...but just barely.

Well, this got me concerned. After I lysol'ed the floor, and made sure his butt was wiped clean, I dug out the dewormer meds and we both went to bed. The next morning, I decided to check his poop out...and I found about 1/3 inch long piece of that same vermicelli noodle...and I administered the dewormer.

Administration of medications: The dewormer was dosed for his weight, and in 2 separate syringes (sans hypodermic needles). One dose was to be given, then the 2nd dose to be given 3 weeks later. So I uncapped 1 syringe and had trouble making the plunger work...so I applied more pressure than I should have and it sprayed across 2 feet of expanse. Luckily, Cody seems to love drugs and he started to lick it up. I actually helped him get every drop, then administered the rest directly into his mouth. I then filled the syringe w/ water...shook it around, and mixed the medicinal fluid w/ his food...and he LOVED IT. muahahahahahahaha!!!!

I then crated him, left him w/ a kong stuffed w/ a snack and went to work. At work, appetizingly, I read up on different types of worms that can infect dogs, their life cycles and the chance of them infecting me. Thankfully, I'll know when I'm infected, b/c I'll break out in rashes or lose my eyesight. I hope I find out before I become permanently disabled, so I can take a shot of some deworming something or other. But for now, I'm safe. And Cody hasn't scooted tonight.

I hope he is worm-free, but I will follow up in 3 weeks. Oh, I put that into my cell phone calendar while I was at work...right after lunch. :)

And on TUESDAY, he gets grooommmmeedd!!! I talked to the groomer over the phone this morning and offered to bring his muzzle. And you know what? The groomer has one w/ his name on it. Well, he said he will be careful and understands that Cody's a pom, so he'll naturally have a pom-attitude, or POMITUDE. I just made that up right now. And it's the same groomer that saw me freak out when I found 7 fleas on Cody, so he's met the doggydoodoo. I will be sure to update you all w/ pictures of a fluffed and brushed and bathed Cody!!

Adventures in Puppyland: September 2011/Devil Dog version?

2011-09-21T21:08:00.006-05:00

I really wanted to write about poop. It's a big deal. Somehow, I feel no shame or inappropriateness when talking about puppy poop patterns, consistencies and frequency. Preferred locations of puppy pooping can be an entire blog in and of itself.

However, I must talk about devil dog today.
My puppy is a devil dog. This is in more than one way.

1. The bestest way that my puppy is a devil dog is that he is a BLUE DEVIL Dog. He may not know what that is, but he is one. Just like we all know he's a Pomeranian, but he doesn't know the difference between his own breed and a chihuahua, which I have a personal dislike for...don't ask me why. Actually, I think I might have been traumatized by the creepy rat-look of chihuahuas and especially that one talking "Mexican" chihuahua that represented Taco Bell. The combination of Taco Bell, a creepy accent, the rat that they tell me is actually a dog and the fact that it talked...in Spanish, no less....I think it's understandably why I would've been forever scarred.

But creepy talking dogs and the yappy, insecure breed aside, I want to talk about devil dog. He is a Blue Devil Dog, and I am seeking a Duke blue rain coat in size x-small for the little one. I anticipate that his devilishness will need walks even when it's raining outside, b/c he's just a little devil.
Case in point: We had a 30+ min walk this evening, but he is currently growling and running around the teeny apt-hobbit-hole I live in w/ one of those long toys in his mouth. He's squeaked the squeaker so much that it broke...it just makes a plastic blup-blop sound when he bites down on that part, and rattles a bit when he shakes it like a small animal he just hunted. He does occasionally drop it by my foot and looks up, wondering why I'm not chasing him or is not interested in his toy. I blame it on my inability to get out of bed early enough to walk him and get to work early enough to make it there before the trial re-started. I tried tossing a toy around this morning as I got ready, and spent 10 mins making him do tricks for each bite/handful of breakfast.

2. My puppy is actually a devil in disguise. I really just wanted to talk about poop, but I must report his devilishness. He destroys stuff w/out care of the cost of replacement or repair. He is ruthless.
He decided that digging through my bag was a good idea, again. He had stopped for a bit, and I thought he was done digging through my bag and stealing from it. But last night, he tried to steal some paper to rip up...and I made him "drop it," much to his chagrin. Too bad, I'm the human that feeds you, you're the dog that must learn to obey. Sorry, life is unfair.
But no more than 30 mins after I got home and let him out of his crate, he decided to fish out a pen and chew on it....and gave himself a new beauty mark. I lured the pen away from him and threw it out before we both were inked.

But b/c chewing on a pen is not enough trouble for "devil day," he chewed up my ipad charger...like the wire part. He's never chewed up an electrical cord so I figured he wasn't interested. NOPE. I was wrong. He found the ipad charger that I am sure I hid from view, and chewed it to the itty bitty metal wires that are twisted together to conduct electricity into my ipad from the wall socket. But I saw that he had unplugged the usb end of the cord from the wall-socket part. So I scolded him and he seemed to feel bad enough to leave the room when I told him "out!"
But then, after we walked for over 30 mins and exhausted an already exhausted me, I found him quiet, out of view. I know that that means...he is in my room, either snuggled in the forbidden bed or eating something that he stole from my little stash of knick-knacks and make up and stuff by climbing on my bed and nosing around. And surely, he was...he found the ipad charger again, this time, he dragged it down to the rug, and had pulled the cord part out of the plug part, and not only that, but managed to dislodge the 2-prong plug part from the small, white boxy part that might serve as a mini-adaptor or whatever. You know how Apple products are w/ their interchangeable plugs/extension cords.
Genius? or pure devil? I can't tell...I had to spend some time creating a negative association for him to that set. I held it out to him, and every time he went to bite on it, I flicked his nose (not hard, b/c I seem to be unable to do anything w/ force w/ my fingers). Eventually, he decided it wasn't worth it and sat behind me.

I felt it was too classic to let it slide, so I took a picture of devil dog next to the ipad charger he just destroyed, sporting the beauty mark he gave himself by chewing up a pen. I shall post eventually, as soon as my phone e-mails the picture to my e-mail...it can take up to a day or so.

Oh no! I lied. Here it is...I titled this image, "Inked and Wired: Cody after getting himself a new beauty spot and supplementing his diet with much-needed plastic and metal"
3. The most devilish aspect of this all is that he pretends to be all innocent w/ his cute looks.
"Oh, I'm just a puppy, what can I do? WHAAAAT? You think I did it? Silly human, little me can't destroy things...too little."
Yeah, right, devil dog. Your cuteness is just a guise and I see right through it. You are dangerous stuff. Stop eating the corners of every cardboard box in my apartment. I need to move again in 6 months.
I can feel you chewing on the lever on my chair, the chair my landlord "gave"/lent to me. Stop pretending you didn't do it. I see your bite marks. Don't pretend I did it, b/c it's at your face-level, not mine.

4. He took to barking at every new sound. The radio I listen to b/c I don't own a TV cannot be heard in peace b/c he doesn't like the voices of the people being interviewed. Good thing I am armed w/ the spray bottle. I will shoot you, devil dog!!! I have a full bottle!!!!!! grrrr....

I can go on, but I really must shower and go to bed so I can get to bed, wake up early enough to walk devil dog (to wear him down and temper him a bit) and get to the ID making place by 8:30 am. B/c I am eager to get a county ID so I can use the employee entrance and not stand in line w/ jurors (I make no eye-contact w/ them, just in case they tell on me), crusty old private-practice attorneys and the general public. B/c I'm not paid, and the only thing I have going for me is the false impression of importance.

(Coming Up: Poop!!, bug-hunting and maybe more devil antics. PLEASE forward me any retailer that sells a Blue Devil doggy raincoat for small dogs one step above the tea-cups.)

Adventures in Puppyland: Another bite victim

2011-08-14T23:00:00.004-05:00

The balls are coming off. No more hesitation. That's it.

We've got a new bite victim: my brother. He wouldn't believe that this dog was bipolar and could turn on you if you bothered him while he was w/ his select few "possession" and "aggression" triggering toys. I warned him several times about that bone I kept out of reach of the dog. I warned him that the dog is getting nervous about him constantly touching him and his bone. I warned him that w/ that growl the dog is getting angry. I and the dog warned him when the dog snarled. I told him to not bother him or just take it away.

And, the 6.5 lb pup bit him...hard. Harder than the pup has ever bitten anyone, yet. Definitely drew blood, more blood than the scratches suffered by my dad or me. I had been mistaken about my mom being bitten by him, but he's definitely tried. Good thing he was tied up whenever he got mad at my mom. But he's bitten me 4 times, my dad once and now my brother.

We looked at the wound and saw that the pup may have bitten more than once...possibly twice. My dad thought he was going to bite both me and my brother. We were laying on our stomachs on my bed, shoulders and heads hanging off the edge, me holding the insanity-inducing bone he was chewing and my brother pulling on his back paw or petting his head. My dad had stepped in to talk with us. This happened really fast, I tried to twap his nose w/ my finger to stop/distract/punish him and he almost got my finger too. I couldn't grab him by the scruff of his neck, but I yelled really loud in his face and snatched his bone away. But in all this chaos, my brother was bitten twice, and was left w/ a large scratch-wound that bleed for a long time, bleed through the bandaid. The dog is lightening-fast when he snaps/lunges/bites.

We warned my brother about the dog's speed too. He learned that our warnings were all true, the hard way.

I should have grabbed him by the back of his neck and threw him into the bathroom for a time out. He instead got thrown into his crate and was yelled at by my mom. She was angry at the dog for biting her son. She wacked the bottle of peroxide against the top of the crate and threw his kong at the crate while yelling at him. I made her stop but not b/c I thought he didn't deserve it...but more so b/c her anger might exacerbate his aggression issues. That dog is a pain in the butt.

Bottom line: I looked up low-cost neutering places in Chicago and Atlanta. I'm going to do it. I can't afford the vets around my town ($350 to $400+), but I need to have his balls chopped.

My dad and I had the same idea: I thought of tightly wrapping a rubber band around his balls and cutting off circulation until they fall off over the course of a week or so; My dad said back in the day they used to hold the dog down and wrap fishing line or strong thread tightly around the balls and that it'll fall off eventually.

Whichever way we do it, I really hope high-running hormones are 99% of his aggression issues. I can deal w/ all of his bad habits if he wouldn't snarl and bite people. It's just too stressful living w/ a biting puppy, he drew lots of blood today and I can't have him doing this anymore.

Oh, and he scooted his butt on the floor this evening and after his walk I got up close and personal w/ the pup's anal sacs...expressed them like an expert on the 3rd try. Didn't get it all over the place this time. No professional puppy bath needed this time.

Adventures in Puppyland (early August 2011 edition)

2011-08-07T23:27:00.003-05:00

Last night (Aug. 6), I filled the pup's kong toy w/ kibble, sealed it with some puppy "stuffin" and secured it w/ a couple treats (I did this like 2 days ago so the stuffin paste had dried). He seemed to have trouble eating this new way to serve dinner and I offered to help. He bit me instead. And I instituted a social isolation on him to show him who's boss...but found it to be extremely difficult to feed him w/out giving him any commands. He is so accustomed to sitting and waiting for me to give him is "okay" before he approaches his food bowl that it was impossible...also, what happened today totally broke the isolation and make it impossible.

Today (Aug. 7), my mom found that he may have stepped on some poop he concealed on the dark stone tiles of our entry way, that my dad probably stepped on on his way out to Lowe's or Home Depot to find some mosquito repellent for the yard. My mom was dressed like a bee keeper when I went down to see the mess the dog made. She had on grey sweat pants, a light blue rain jacket w/ a towel covering most of her face with the hood pulled over the towel on her head. And the puppy was dangling from her arms, wanting to get down but not sure what he could do. I got her the rubber gloves she wanted to use to pull out the waist-high thistle plants that have taken over her vegetable garden.

Dressed like a bee keeper w/ make-shift protective gear against the mosquitos, she took the puppy dangling from her hands out to the backyard while she pulled weeds and I cleaned up. Fine, this is "my dog" so I guess his poop is my domain. It's not like I don't do this a minimum of twice a day. (If anyone reads this, and knows how to get a dog on a pooping schedule, I'd like to know. He does NOT keep to a schedule no matter how regular I keep his meal times and bed time.) B/c the entire entry way reeked of dog poop, I sported some rubber gloves, pried the dried and smeared dog poop pieces from the stone, wrapped them inside the glove and spill large puddles of the dog pee cleaner w/ enzymes and bacteria-killing stuff I got from the pet store (a half-gallon jug). I then got a new glove and a few paper towels to sop up the dog poop and dirt. I ended up doing this twice and wiping the bottoms of the shoes present...just in case any of them had poop on them. This was really exciting as I inched around the foyer/entry way wiping up dog poop and dirt and leaves shoes tracked in...that my dog was probably eating on his free time.

As I was finishing this epic clean-up effort, I hear the most shrill, pain-induced cries that is undoubtedly coming from him. I run outside in my pajama bottoms and run towards the sounds, and trace the blood-curdling shrieks to under our neighbor's deck. I have no idea how he got under there as the deck was sealed all the way around w/ brick flower beds and wooden boards making up a small step down into their yard. All I knew was that my puppy was trapped under the boards and he was dying. I finally found exactly where under the deck he was and my mom and I discovered the tiny space between the dirt and the board, behind some large evergreen shrub that he probably crawled under. Then, we stopped hearing his cries. We were sure he was bitten by some nefarious animal and has now passed out or died. I start frantically tapping on the boards and trying to revive him, then I heard him move and then he barks.

Relief.

So now that I know he is still alive, I feel the duty to work to get him out...I mean, that obligation felt stronger when I heard him than during the few minutes during which my mom and I stared at each other as two panicked women, thinking he has died. I was half relieved that the occasionally mean, biting and trouble-making pup had died and half fearful (and fully shocked) that he has died so quickly. I considered leaving him there, but then I considered the neighbors smelling his rotting carcass in a few days and thought it wasn't nice...that I should at least burry him in my own backyard. But then, he made noise to let us know he was living, and that's when I started to think of ways to get him out.

My mom still had those elbow-length rubber gloves on so I instructed her to push the shrub aside as I try to stick my fingers into the crevice and lure the dog out. It didn't work. I ran to my house and brought his treat baggie. I sprinkled treats at the entrance. Nothing. I tapped around until he barked again and dropped a few treats into the cracks where he was. I'd like to think he found them and got a few free treats out of this. My mom instructed me to throw more treats in front of the hole, yelling at me that I need to have more down there for him to smell it. We tried everything.

We were convinced he was bitten or injured or something. I yelled at my mom to go get a flash light. She ran home and got one. By then, the towel protecting her face from mosquitoes had been thrown on the deck and we were both being attacked by the world's meanest mosquitos. I wondered what the heck was my neighbors doing while we were making so much commotion in their backyard, pushing aside their yard furniture and their shrubs. She brought the flash light, I shined it in the cracks until I found the dog...and confirmed that it is indeed our dog and we can't give up and go look for our dog. I was partially hoping that it was someone else's dog in there so I could stop doing all that. B/c then I'd have the excuse of having to go look for my own lost dog. Right?

Well, I flashed the light into the hole to see if he'd come near it. I mean, there were at least 2 handfuls of treats in there! There was a light to show him the way in the dark, dark under deck! He did not come. By then, my mom and I were convinced he was trapped under there for sure. Maybe there were some supports for the deck that cuts off the direct route from where he is to the hole. Maybe he followed some squirrel or other small animal in there to catch it but he got lost in the maze and he is stuck in the small 3-ft area that we know he's under. I asked my mom if we had a hatchet...she said no. I was ready to bust that deck wide open to get my dog out. We decided we needed to remove at least 1 board to get to him and lift him out. I ran home and got my dad's tool box that he has all sorts of small things in, and I try to unscrew a screw of the shortest board we determined was closest to the crying pup. The screw would not budge...of course not, b/c they were drilled in w/ an electrical drill.

(**Aside: the saddest part of all this wasn't that my 6 month old rambunctious, trouble maker puppy was stuck under the deck and dying from a poisonous snake bite or had his eyse gouged out by a super-ninja squirrel. the real sad part was that while doing all this, I thought about trespasser laws and how this would, at least arguably, qualify as an "emergency" so my neighbor can't sue me for trespass...but that he is probably entitled to the cost of repairs to his deck after I tear it apart w/ my bear hands. yes, it was the bar exam and torts information coming at me during this time of extreme distress.**)

Continuing w/ the events of this afternoon...I finally run to my neighbor's house to 1) see if they have the tools necessary to remove a board, and 2) see why they haven't come out to yell at us or at least ask what the heck we were doing on their deck, tapping around w/ a mega-flashlight and screwdrivers poised to unscrew his deck w/ my sheer, brute strength. I ring their front door bell, I ring their side/back door bell. My neighbors weren't home, naturally. I run back to where my mom is, and her face was covered in bites, as were my elbows and her neck and our backs...those skeeters bit me through my shirt...wth.

We hear door slamming, so I run back to the side door and ring the bell, and this time, I open the storm door and rap loudly on the glass part of the door. Nothing...I run over to the front and my dad's car was in our driveway. I run over, tell him briefly that the dog is trapped under the neighbor's deck and tell him to come. He is able to unscrew 1 screw by hand using some tool I never thought to look at, then said we need a drill. By now storm clouds have, appeared and the sky thunders dramatically...Really? Is this for real? My dad tells me that we should go inside and leave the dying dog there. I run to the neighbor's house on the other side and ring the side door bell furiously. I finally hear the woman yelling at me but I can't hear what she is saying, but her husband isn't home, obvi.

My mom instructs me to run across the street to another neighbor's house and I ring their doorbell until the wife, her son and their crazy, yappy miniature pinscher who tries to eat me through the glass storm door, appears. B/c of the dog, I can neither communicate what the heck I'm doing nor hear what they are saying. Finally the son carries the dog further into the house and I explain to the woman (in her nightie, it appeared) why I was so frantically requesting their assistance. She tells me her husband isn't home and she doesn't know where the tools are, and to wait until her husband got home. I explain, again, that my puppy is TRAPPED under a DECK and that he is crying like he is injured badly. I ask her if her son would know. She calls him over and takes the dog. I ask him to please find his dad's tools. He asks me what's wrong and I explain to him what is going on and how my dog is crying like something is eating him alive. He finally relents and takes me to their garage, where there were all sorts of crazy tools in there. I mean, they could build a house w/ all the stuff in there. He tried calling his dad then opened a few tool boxes and pulled out an electric saw. I asked him if it would be possible to saw through the board w/out cutting up my dog, and explained that while that should be plan B, I wondered if he had a drill so we could try to remove the screws first. He then found the drill (he knew exactly where that was) and followed me over to where my parents were working on the dog.

And you wouldn't believe this...just as I appear w/ the neighbor with his electric drill, we see my dad pulling the dog out from under the deck. I thanked the neighbor profusely as I checked the dog for bites, ready to hop into a car and get him to a vet asap. And the damned puppy is FINE. He is, for sure muddy and smelly, but UNSCATHED.

Apparently, my dad of the longer arms, stuck his arm into that hole (scratching his arm up in the process) as my mom pushed back the shrubs, and when the dog came close, grabbed a paw and pulled. My dad was so mad. He said he could feel the dog's nose but the stupid dog wouldn't come closer or walk out towards the light. Idiot. 'Fraidy cat. Crying like an animal was eating his hind leg while he was still alive and kicking. Making us all think he was severely injured when he didn't have a drop of blood on him.

I gave him a bath immediately. By the time he was half dry, the 2nd neighbor whose door I banged on, w/ the wife home alone had come to see if he could help. The wife was apparently very ill w/ sever arthritis (I knew she was sick, but not sure w/ what) and took her some time to come to the door. But after speaking with my mom, had called her husband who was out of town and he rushed over to help. Their dog had died a few months ago...the dog who used to come over to our yard to poop/pee/steal food...and they were sympathetic. How nice of him...he said we could have called 911.

Of all the things that ran through my head, including tort laws and privileges to trespass to land, calling emergency did not enter my head. I thought 911 was for humans only. But our neighbor explained that there is an animal rescue place in Evanston, close to where we live, and that he had called 911 once when an animal got trapped in his house somewhere. They came and trapped it and took it away. That is why we pay taxes...and I never thought of calling for help. Instead, I ran around the neighborhood knocking on doors and asking for tools to bust open a neighbor's deck to rescue a dog that was uninjured and just being stupid.

He still smells funky by his head...like dead fish. Like the mud under the deck had some especially yucky, decomposing things and it rubbed into my dog's head as he squeezed into the hole and out of it.

And thus concludes today's episode of Adventures in Puppyland.

2011-07-24T00:39:00.002-05:00

It's like 3 days before the bar, more like 2 b/c it's past midnight and I should be in bed working on getting up at 5 am.

I don't know what the dress code for the IL bar is, but I heard a few years ago they confiscated flip-flops. I wouldn't mind taking the bar sans shoes, but then again, I would prefer to have something covering my little piggies b/c they tend to get cold in air conditioning. I was planning on wearing sweats and like a tank top w/ a long-sleeved shirt and a jacket, b/c I get cold in air-conditioning.

If anyone has a pill that contains like a temporary log of all the topics tested on the IL bar, please forward to me....and tell me how long it lasts and when it kicks in so I take it at the right time.

Oh, and adventures in puppy land took me to giving my puppy a butt-bath at 4:30 am one morning/night after I decided to quit learning bar stuff. He had stolen a croissant from my parents and managed to consume 1/3 of the gigantic ball of butter and flour. He did not get puppy dinner, but had a slightly wet movement in the wee hours that made him uncomfortable and stinky...and gave me a dot of wet poop on my arm when I picked him up. Is this like motherhood?

open letter to retailers and other e-marketers

2011-07-13T18:38:00.001-05:00

Dear Amazon, LinkedIn, Facebook, Gilt, Shoebuy, Ticketmaster, Ebay, AA/Delta/United/airline mileages/clubs, Sephora, Lush, Habitat for Humanity, MyHabit, Akira, whoever you think you are who keeps on sending me promotional e-mails,

I'd like to inform you that you are just plain annoying right now. Please STOP.

1. you are normally pretty annoying on an average day/era, but I have the capacity to tolerate you, and occasionally indulge myself in wasting time looking at your e-mail at things I cannot afford.

2. right now really is not the time to be trying to lure me with vacations I can't take, things I can't purchase, new products I have ZERO interest in. You see, I'm sitting here trying to cram my flimsy hoax of a brain with all this lofty legal shizzazzz, and dealing w/ the other stresses of living a life and dealing w/ generational passage and other more profound facts of life. Life, Death, prospects of marriage, or lack thereof, etc. Your e-mails are doubly annoying, actually make that triple or quadruple. You don't need my approval for just raising the exponent on that annoyance factor. I authorize you, expressly, for that specific thing.

It's difficult trying to keep abreast of the relevant news, and your cluttering of my e-mail box so that I have to sort through, delete en masse, and finally discover messages to me from my bar examiners or from the bar prep folks are just too much for me to handle right now. Also, there is the danger that I might be deleting some very important e-mails from the two named parties that I am interested in receiving news from these days.

Because I've said my piece, nicely and politely and b/c I don't have time to banter about the nuances and the fringe-bits of these topics, I will sign off.

I do wish you'd all just ram your self-marketing heads into a concrete wall and call it a day b/c even after this period of anxiety and intrinsic and extrinsic torment ends, I would rather not see you on a daily basis.

Good bye, perhaps forever?

broke down again today

2011-07-08T16:10:00.003-05:00

briefly.

So the update on my grandmother is that she is inoperable. the cancer is in its last stages and the doctors gave her 18 months to live w/ chemotherapy or 6-9 months w/out. SO NOT FAIR! she is, however, miraculously, pain-free, which is very, very uncommon. So we're praying she stays pain-free and that we can keep her standard of living high. If anyone sees this, please pray for her as well.
She needs regular/occasional blood transfusions b/c the cancer, which sits on a HUGE ulcer site, has ruptured and is bleeding constantly. She is mostly bed-bound b/c she lacks the energy to do much else. Soonee, the 4 yr old pomeranian doggie keeps her company w/ her quiet, gentle presence. And Cody, the puppy she bore, is now at my house, behind a puppy gate while I study, but he is being sent to a new home for 2.5 weeks until I'm done w/ the bar. He is adorable and cute and so confused, but circumstances kinda suck overall. I feel bad for him.
She lost 50 lbs in the past 2 years to an appalling 80 lbs. Way too skinny even for a small, tiny, short woman under 5 ft. The though of skin and bones on her just makes me weep.
The other thing that makes me wonder how she is handling it all, so silently, is that her mind is a clear as a bell. I thought she was loosing some clarity, but not so. She is fully aware of what is happening, no sign of dementia. Thus, even more tragedy in having to face her illness, her invalidity with her hyper-sensitive sense of guilt and burdening. My cousin is tending to her every behest, cooking whatever my grandmother asks for every day. I guess finally she is being pampered in her last days.
I sincerely hope these aren't her last days at all. I truly believed she would live until 92. She has to, and she has to live comfortably, free from stress. I want her to be well....I should've invited her to come live with me in Atlanta. I just didn't think I could spend that much time w/ her and care for her while I was in law school. Now I regret not going through w/ that idea.

but that's what's going on w/ my lovely grandmother. Here's her and Soonee, after she got back from the hospital.

On the bar front, I'm 18 days away from the bar, failing every subject miserably. Ready to get down with it, if not for the distractions and my own adhd mind.

that is all i have to say about that.

to take puppy to his bath while i study criminal law at the grooming center.

even good things inch towards the end

2011-06-18T22:55:00.003-05:00

or the beginning.

just heard devastating news. good ol' gma has cancer. w/ her history of 2 brain surgery and her "work her bones into the ground" ethic...this is particularly hard to bear. the doctor said she has a tumor the size of an egg in her stomach, and it looks to have grown for at least 3 years.

my grandma never complains about anything. today, for the first time in her life, she stated something we all knew was true: that my cousin chides her and scolds her. we all did it to her at some point, usually out of frustration, b/c she tries to help out w/ her frail body and we get mad that she continues to want to work for us. and that cousin chides everyone, and they've had a bit of a strained relationship...as strained as relationships can go with my saintly grandma.

she always says things are okay even when there's evidence of pain and even when there's blood, and obvious dizzy spells and bruises from a fall or a gash. she says it's nothing. we know it's not nothing, she just doesn't want the attention and further hates worrying us.

she never complained, she grit her teeth and told no one of the discomforts that the growing tumor caused her over the years. she just drank soda to help settle her stomach, and we would scold her not to. she wouldn't eat brown rice and attracted even more reprimands. we would never have known of her cancer had she not fallen sick a couple weeks ago. had it not been for her vomiting or her inability to get out of bed. had it not been for the diarrhea or the visibly ailing old lady, shrinking annual from her already-diminutive stature, we wouldn't have known.

i want to sit here and blame the doctors who performed her 2nd brain surgery 3 or 4 years ago. but that's not the only thing. she had her first brain surgery to install a tube to drain fluids building up in her head, 13 years ago, the summer i turned 15 and she decided that it was her time. then 3 years ago, she took a fall on a very windy day and once again told no one. instead she threw up and couldn't stand up, notifying my uncle that something was not right. he forced her to go to the doctor with him and my mother and her sister flew to korea to be with their mother for what we all thought would be the end, again. the doctors performed the 2nd brain surgery and she seemed fine. but why didn't they check everything? why didn't they do a gastro endoscopy? test her blood for any abnormal cells? anything? couldn't they have done something to put us on notice?

but blaming them won't solve anything, and i know my grandmother's silent suffering has much to do with the development of the cancer. and we're all to blame for our oversight, our blindside focus on her brain surgery and the shaking of her hands the wobbling of her stride. we were too concerned about her gaining weight of her developing diabetes or her blood pressure rising and mostly the tale-tell signs of the 2 brain surgeries. we should have insisted on more check ups despite the difficulty of getting her to agree.

at the very least, we should have let her do what she wanted, ruin as many new-fangled, modern gadgets and never said a word about it. we should have treated her with the respect she surely deserves, never should have hinted at how upset we got when she broke or misused yet another kitchen gadget, yet another beauty product, yet another article of clothing. b/c she's worth more than all those things to us.

she doesn't want us to spend money or our concerns on her. she doesn't want to be trouble. but she doesn't know that she's no trouble at all. i want nothing more than to lay next to her, share my bed with her, hold her hand while she sleeps next to me. i want nothing more than to remind her of her goodness, thank her for her love and her sacrificial kindness. i don't want the last time i saw her to be the last time i see her. i don't want the last time i talked to her to be the last time i talk to her. i want to hug her forever, to tell her i love her and i want to do so much for her, even if she won't let me.

i wish i had the means to make her happier, more comfortable and feel more loved. i want to brush away the innumerable pains and heartache she has suffered, to erase the hardships of war and widowhood and raising a handicapped child. i want her help her forget the mean things that her grandchildren, her daughters-in-law and her own children have said to her in return for her quiet sacrifice. but most of all i want her to know that i want nothing more than to care for her, and that caring for her, expending my energy and my currently non-existent means, is the thing i want to do most right now. i don't want to go live my life, seek my own pleasures and desires. i want to serve her and comfort her while i have a chance.

the last i heard her voice on the other end of the line was the week after i graduated from law school and moved back to Chicago, i called to let her know. i wanted her to be proud of me, even when i was ashamed of my law school career. i don't think she noted the difference between college and law school, but she promised to make me marinated raw crabs. a korean dish that i don't like unless she makes it. she is the best cook i have ever met in my life.

when i visited her in Yeosu, she used to get up at 4 am to go to the dawn fish markets, to greet the boats that have been out catching seafood by moonlight just so she could get the best, freshest crabs. she'd made it especially for me. she would set the breakfast table for everyone in my uncle's household, but through the haze of my sleep, i would hear her telling my uncle to let me sleep. then, when everyone else went off to work and school, and i groggily walked out of the bedroom, she'd say, "my sweet grace is up! i made your favorite marinated raw crabs, and made sure to knock off all the spines on the claws so you don't hurt your mouth." then she'd pull out, from the back of the fridge, the prized dish that she hid from everyone else so i could be the first to enjoy it. she was so thoughtful and full of love. she wanted me to have that extra hour of sleep. she didn't care if she had to set the table again after she finished the dishes. she loved me and the love was palpable.

i might have had a special connection with her...or so i once thought. but i think it's just her nature to be so giving. i often wonder who i love more, my mother or my grandma. i'm sure i love my mom "more" and logically so. but i think i love them differently. i think there are some things i'd do for my grandma more readily than i'd do for my own mom. and i'm incredibly close to my mom and love her dearly (she could probably dictate my life, and even through my grumbles and resistance, i'd probably do her bidding). but with my grandma, i want to offer her things i don't even have, love i can't even show in any adequate way.

the last time i saw her in person was almost exactly 2 years ago. i promised to visit her in California. and i haven't visited her yet.

i hoped that she'd come spend her summers in Chicago once i returned. we joked that she has an especially strong life line that just won't break, having gone through 2 open-skull operations after the age of 70, and another uterous-securing operation in between. no matter how much weaker she got, she seemed to be one of those who just might live forever, like her older sister who is in her 90's and probably bedridden with arthritis. but she's gotten so frail in the past few months, her heart has been further burdened with complaints she would not utter and with discomforts she won't voice. i don't think spending summers in Chicago is a possibility anymore.

(waiting for the airline employee to bring her a wheelchair, at O'hare on June 13, 2009)

i wish i didn't have to bar to worry about...or had the guts to say, "to hell with it, i can take it in february, i need to be with my grandmother." but i don't know if that would trouble her or make her happy or both or maybe she won't know the difference...maybe she won't care. but i have a feeling if she knew then she'd want me to achieve and pay her no mind.

she could have flaunted her beauty and her brains as a young woman. she chose humility and sacrifice instead. she chose to understand circumstances and forgive instead of show anger or disappointment at her at times dismal surroundings. she never batted an eye about her lot of having to take care of her polio-survivor daughter (my aunt), carrying her to school both ways and visiting her school in the middle of the day to take her to the bathroom. she worked tirelessly to put her handicapped daughter through college, after her husband died young.

she is as close to a saint as i'm ever going to get. she is my mother theresa. she is the silent sufferer and the one who would give her life to make mine just a little bit more comfortable. and if she had her choice she would do it all without me ever knowing it was her. she would do it for me, and i know she would do ten times more for my mother, who my grandma says was the child who never gave her trouble the one she never had to discipline.

i love her.

Heart aches daily, my mind comfluxed.

2011-06-14T17:29:00.003-05:00

I should start a blog called "Defective Goods" (...for Free, Pick up only).

So often I feel like a defective good. Probably born perfect, as all babies are, but somehow was damaged in the process, irreversibly damaged.
No one would buy a product like me, even if parts of me are refurbished by expensive surgeries and improvements (or more dings?) were made with education and "refinement." So, my going price would be Free. But no deliveries made, must come and pick me up.
Would anyone fine me useful enough to come all the way over to where I am to pick me up? Or would that be too much trouble, even if I were free?
While I desire to share blame, today, I will own up to the fact that I've taken what was given to me and wasted it. I've ruined and squandered it.

Defective Goods, for Free, Pick up only.

2011-06-11T17:14:00.010-05:00

it's been months, yes, so shoot me.

that's how i feel today.

it's not like anyone actually follows this, it's like my way of standing on the street corner and talking aloud to myself or to a friend that i imagine that i have sometimes...i just do it here, b/c that way i don't look as crazy as the people who do it in public. I suspect they feel better about themselves for doing it out there and not cowering in a private room like i do now.

LET'S START THIS (CRAP) SHOW.

Apple makes me miserable, as does the

Bar and sometimes

Cats/Computers and while i'm at at it even some

Dogs and definitely most public Doors

...there, that's ABC and D's that make my life miserable

in the long run (and by long run I mean about 3 months) the BAR is probably going to be the worst misery, esp. b/c according to Barbri (oh! another "B" that makes my life miserable), i'm about 8% done w/ my bar preparation and I should be about 30% done w/ my preparation...that's just a rough estimate based on my expert eyeballing of that stupid green triangle along the "interactive paced program" bar. barbarbarbarbarbarbarbarbar! ugh, so hate that word right now.

but, to get to the point of me getting on this to spew some more of my garbled gomps, this time not b/c i can't open my mouth or b/c my stitches are bleeding, but b/c i'm inchoherent and in stagnation. YES. I said stagnation. that term is not solely used to describe the thing that's happening that i blame my current unemployed status on. And when i blame other things, i'm just deflecting from myself, which i was taught to do at this time-money-youth-devouring thing most commonly called "law school." the law is about assigning blame.

And, while it'll be noble of me to assign blame to myself, I refuse to today and most days since I stepped foot into that ugly concrete building that's like 60 years old and they stopped doing maintenance work on about 40 yrs ago.

I walked in looking like a happy, hopeful and potential-filled child of the just-passing-through-the-last-of-my-fairy-dusted-teenaged-years:

and I walked out looking like I do now:

(actual photo taken at the time of writing this blop...it doesn't even deserve a "g" today)

So, while you stare at the abhorrent image of myself, in which I could be mistaken for a crack whore...that I've so shamelessly posted, untouched and unglamorized...

...let me continue on to what drives me to post such an awful image and rant about the displeasures of my current state.

APPLE.

Mm-hmm, that company that manufactured this very machine i am pretending is my confidant(e), the one that makes so many techie toys that boys (and girls) all throw hard-earned money at, and possible even makes them weewee themselves.

While I would normally be praising these advancements in technology, I am hating them today, b/c they make my today kinda on the miserable side. I need an ipad/ipod touch/iphone to study for this ridiculous thing call the BAR that is the start of my troubles (see supra). I have a long commute to and from my barbri classes which are held only in one specific law school building, probably similarly miserable as the one I frequented w/ some regularity for the past 3 years. And because of this time spent commuting and waiting for trains and such, the staff at barbri allowed me an 'upgrade' to their new, shiny, fancy "mobile," even while attending the classes in person. Which was very generous and accommodating of them, I must add.

However, in order to access their "mobile" lectures, I need an iphone/ipad/ipod touch. I have an android phone that I am happy with, but of course, they haven't developed an app that is compatible with it. so, I think positively, and say to myself, 'I have such a device, the ipod touch.' But mine is 3 years old and does not have the capacity to use their app. I spent about 3 hours trying to upgrade the piece of shizz that I have to no avail.

And yesterday, I have spent a reasonable amount of time scoping the ipad out at the pretty Apple store (which, at Old Orchard Mall, is right next to Victoria's Secret which keeps such great secrets about sizing boobs and bras...but that's a different story for a different day for a new round of shocking news). And, I go on line to ebay, at the suggestion of one Will Romine that will remain nameless.

....ooops.

EBAY.

On it are all these ppl selling such items, and most of them have these EXCELLENT ratings and credit on line. So I bid on one, finally this morning. Then FREAK OUT. B/c I realized what happened...ebay has done it again. It's goaded me w/ "bid higher" and "you're currently the highest bidder but you WILL be out bidded, so bid a little more" and "you sure? that's it? c'mon, you need to add at least $50 to that bid" until I realized that I had put down waaay more than I had intended for the item of that condition.

So I spent a good 30 minutes freaking out, constantly refreshing my screen PRAYING for someone, ANYONE to OUTBID ME! I added splashes of coffee to my generic cinnamon toast crunch and gobbled 2 bowls of this crazy and yummy concoction. Then the prayer was answered, the miraculous happened. Some putz outbid me...

WHEW! I know, right?

but no...

I got suspicious, I got jealous.

I spent all that time reading reviews and considering how much things were worth, and bidding, putting $$$ that I DON'T HAVE and I LOST! I LOST!

I got angry.

So, I found a new, similarly alluring item of similar condition to bid on. And on goes the story, times like 4. And now I'm waiting on this one 1st generation ipad wifi only, with 32 gb of memory, "opened and return." It's currently $355...but my max bid is $403.37...and there's just over 2 hours left on this. OMG. I did it again. I meant to put $385 as my max bid, but then they led me to think that wasn't enough. Don't ask me how ebay gets me so easily. I must be illiterate when I see their pop-up boxes goading me to raise my bid.

And in the mean time, my dad gchats me that he could probably get an ipad tax-free or something thru someone he knows. So I had no choice but to tell him that I'll let him know if my bids win....dammit.

~~~AND, to make things worse, my brother, who has a paid internship at an investment bank in NYC, tells me he has an ipad. that he won't lend me. b/c he reads his newspapers on it on his commute in the am. then, when i complain to him that life is hard, i have no job and i can't even secure an ipad and my savings are gone and GA employers won't even interview me b/c I'm in IL even for volunteer positions...he tells me to just power thru it. I don't remember telling him to stop complaining when he called me to discuss how bad his condition is. He instead told me to just get shit done, power thru the studying and hit the pavement.

Listen up, news flash:

I DID "hit the pavement." and flew to every city I could get an interview in. It didn't land me a job, and so I took a break the past year.

I WISH I could just go out and purchase the most expensive IPAD and a brand new computer to take my bar exam on.

But GUESS WHAT? I am the equivalent of a beggar in wealth right now. Actually, I might be worse off, from a pure financial stand point b/c I have these things called education loans that are coming due in November. So i'm at the mercy of my parents, who are kind enough to feed me and house me in their house.

But I'm in my late 20's...I have a bit of pride/shame/sense of propriety (unlike my brother, who feels justified in mis-investing [yes, that is a word] large portions of funds that my mother once held in her bank account). I feel bad asking my mom for even more money, esp. when her sister called last night to report that my grandmother is ill and there will have to be more tests done on her to see what is the problem.

My poor grandmother brings tears to my eyes. I wish I could fly over to CA and stay by her bedside, but this stupid bar study is really getting in the way.

I called my grandmother to tell her that I graduated, but I don't think she understands that her granddaughter is now a JD, or that it's not the same as that other time I sent her graduation photos to Korea. It made me cry when I realized how old she's gotten since the last time I saw her--2 years ago, almost to the day.~~~

So i'm conflicted.

These things are making my life miserable today:

Apple (and apple-specific Apps)

Bar (and barbri, which creates apps only compatible w/ apple; Bidding on ebay)

Computers/Cats/Coffee shops that close too early and not have wifi

Doors in public places (some Dogs, but mostly not dogs)

EBAY (new addition, they are masterminds and so highly addictive that I have to constantly remind myself why I cut myself off from ebay, and can't let my guard down)

Furniture that doesn't...

...whatevs. i give up. i just hope i don't win that bid and instead, win a paying job offer and a free ipad that goes w/ the job. Oh, and can't forget happily ever after. I hope that happens too.

Here's to many miracles and happy endings.

teeth sensitivities...related to jaw surgery?

2010-12-12T02:06:00.003-06:00

Okay, so today is December 12, 2010 (Happy Independence Day, KENYA!!!) Which is 2 yrs and 8 months since my jaw surgery. A few weeks ago, I started developing teeth sensitivity. This is a NEW problem for me. Never before has my teeth been sensitive...okay, my front bottom teeth never liked touching ice cream, but other than that, never. But it's not even my front little teeth. It's further along the sides/back. Like where my canines are. Particularly where my canines are. I am wondering if my roots are being exposed or something. I need to find a dentist quick. But I have no dental insurance under my student insurance...arg.

The other day, I was feeling really crappy, like getting sick or something, and I could literally feel the metal bits and screws around my nose. Not Kidding. I felt weirdly swollen/wonky/pain and so I touched the area that felt weird/slightly painful, and it was where the metal pieces were. They felt like they were lifting off my skull. NOT a pretty image in my over-active brain. But they're better now.

I got the metal plate and screws in my lower left jaw removed in late June 2009, but I still notice uneven swelling in that area. Esp. if the weather is bad or if I've been working too much and not sleeping enough or have lots to stress about (which law school ISN'T helping with).

But I really wanted to post a new blog (I know, it's been a year, or over a year) is b/c I wanted to start a list of things I want:

-Chemex (8-cup, which is about 40 oz, capacity, w/ the classic wooden collar)

& a box of unbleached Chemex filters (square or round, doesn't matter)

-E-Reader...I sorta want a Kindle, but the Nook also looks okay, and Sony or any other well-known brand would do as well. I haven't really read too many reviews, but I really liked the Kindle I read from, which a friend's dad left for her when he visited a few months ago. I don't know if she has to give it back during Christmas break.

-maybe a new pair of tall black boots. I have the old ones I've had for years, and they're still nice and sufficient, so I don't technically need new boots. It would be nice, is all.

-and maybe a new cashmere cardigan in a fun color. (I have a grey turtle neck, orange turtle neck--which might be a bit too loose on me now, and a fun claret-red cowl neck--which I LOVE). No need for new coats, but a pair of jeans, and maybe a pair of corduroys are needed. My clothes are growing or I'm shrinking. It's annoying but I need new pants that fit better. The clothes-makers are doing something funky w/ their sizes, I know it. I used to be a 4, or 4p. Now 2's are too loose on me, and some 0's have waists that are too big on me. This is ridiculous. I am not that tiny! I weigh more than my lowest weight after surgery, tho I've lost a bit of weight in the past few months. It's not an unhealthy weight for my height and frame. My teeny tiny friends have to resort to 0p's and -0's and 00's.

-most definitely a sweater dress appropriate for work, maybe something that's not grey or black...any other subdued and elegant color will do, about knee-length.

-possibly, a new computer in like 3-5 months. I think I want to take the bar on a new computer, if IL (or whichever state I get a job in, fingers crossed!!!!) switches to typed exams. Or, I can just get used to hand-writing lots of things, or go back to hand-writing essays exams.

-A JOB would be nice too. I mean, I should apply to jobs, but I don't know...I don't know...the economy is sooooo discouraging and my grades are just so horrid.

I might want to go back to grad school to see if I can regain confidence in my mental capacities and academic prowess. I never thought I was intellectually deficient or was a bad writer until I came to law school. I do fairly well at internships when I submit written work, but ugh...this antiquated school/teaching model has got to go. I hate the socratic method, never got used to it, and I just shy away from classes and situations where I'll be forced to speak. I think law schools should be taught on a tutelage system. It would foster better relations with professors and students that click and allow for independent learning styles and encourage students to take more responsibility/control over their legal education. So that they can focus on things they really want to, and know that the knowledge is theirs by choice, not b/c they were scared of being called on...esp. b/c the fear actually prevents ppl from learning. TRUTH. Told to me by many a fellow law student.

Okay, that's it. I need to write a 15-pg paper, due tomorrow. YIKES! And deal w/ my tummy troubles and the moon cycle and my reverse-cycling problem (sleeping btwn 5 am and 3 pm, and staying awake when it's dark out). And have 2 more papers due w/in 4 days after this one is turned in....help!

I hope to go for a check-up w/ my surgeon when I'm back in Chicago for Christmas break...and I'm coming back to the Atl the 2nd day of classes b/c dagnabbit, it's my last semester and I get to miss a couple days in the beginning of the semester!!! I never really settle down or learn anything in those first few days anyways.

btw

2009-10-12T23:26:00.002-05:00

It's been way too long since I said something.

On June 20th, I had hardware removed from my lower jaw, left side. B/c it was hurting me and my doctor determined that it was too close to the surface and would be bothersome. I was swollen noticeably for a little over a week. But when I went in for my check-up a week after the operation, I was already almost healed! The nurse said I healed so quickly b/c I was young...little did she know, I turned the corner that same week from 1/4 century into the 2nd 1/4 century...

Needless to say, I wasn't really chewing on my b-day, so I didn't really do much for my 26th b-day. I'm getting too old for it anyways.

Cute/odd story about my hardware removal:

When I had just opened my eyes, and was still groggy from the anesthesia, the nurse put something in my hand and said, "Look what we took out of your mouth!"

I couldn't see anything clearly yet, and in my half-sleep state I asked, "Can I keep it?"

The nurse looked at me funnily for a second, hesitated, then said, "Sure. I'll have it sterilized for you, so you can pick it up when you come for a follow-up next weekend."

And sure enough, when I returned the following Saturday morning, she had it in the sanitization bag, wrapped up and sterilized for me. Unfortunately, I left it at home so I'll have to take pictures to post when I go home for Christmas.

I don't have x-rays of my newly altered jaw b/c I was running late for my return flight to Atl, and the doctor told me over the phone that if I have a flight to catch and nothing is bothering me, I can come in for the follow-up the next time I'm in town. I hope to get a print-out of the x-ray/scan so I can post my jaw scans w/ the newly-removed hardware!!

But that is all. Pls pray that I don't fail out of law school. Thanks.

short update (10+ mo.)

2009-02-16T20:45:00.011-06:00

It's been 4 months since my last post...
...and I've become an unhappy individual. Maybe the braces were keeping my life in perspective for me. Law school sucks butt right now. It's more like law school sucks the life out of my soul. But anyways, March is fastly approaching and surprise, surprise, we get a spring break!!!! Who would've guessed? So I'll be going home to wish my mommy a happy 53rd birthday and see my OS for a 6-month follow up.
I think I'm going to ask to get at least some of my hardware taken out. My lower left jaw has very sharp, hard bumps on the surgery site and the doc said it's bone growth and would smooth out eventually but I have a feeling it might be a screw working its way out. Besides, the skin on that area is almost always slightly irritated. I might be developing adult acne, but then it's strange that it's mostly just in that area. And that side/part always hurts most when I try to bite...which reminds me, I can eat slivered and blanched almonds!!!! That's huge progress...I started w/ single pieces over Christmas. I even try sandwiches and I'm not too shabby w/ them, but sometimes when the bread is crusty, I still have major issues. I'm happy about the progress. It's been just over 10 months now.

<-This is me about 10 months ago...

This is me like 9 months ago...-->

And this is me today. As you can see, both me and my siamese twin aren't happy about law school...and the hopelessness that studying brings to my life.

BUT...I have an interview w/ CVLS in March! Yay! An interview for an unpaid legal job!!! woohoo!!! I already asked my parents and I'll be allowed to live at home if I get that job so I just have to pay for commuting and maybe for some minimal spending money. I really, really, really don't want to take out any loans at all for the summer. I might also be applying for funding from public interest funds/support organizations...but that means more work.
I just submitted a proposal for a summer internship with the World Health Organization in Geneva, Switzerland! I really hope I get it. The funding that's available thru the Global Health Initiative here is a maximum of $5000 and it won't cover even half of my 10-week minimum stay in Geneva (only one of the top 5 most expensive European cities to live in!). But I guess it's interesting opportunities to work w/ some international organizations on international law and human rights issues. I really hope I get it.
I also have 4 scheduled interviews w/ some public interest internship positions here in GA on Friday...and a couple stand-by interviews too. Kinda hoping for an offer from a paying position, even if it's minimal, it would help out my impoverished status.

well...back to studying Property....practice exam tomorrow. phooey.

nekked teef

2008-10-21T21:53:00.010-05:00

yes, I've got them, as of Saturday, October 18, 2008. That day will forever be branded in my brain...along w/ April 3, 2008, they day of my orthognatic surgery, and April 10, 2006, my first day at my first real job, and May 15, 2005, my graduation from Duke, ...August 25, 2008? my first day of law school? maybe not. I did want to quit everything and curl up into a fetal position and ask to be admitted to a hospital or a group home.But, as per usual, I digress...I should post the pictures of my buttery sheens right now.

The Close-up:

And another w/ the essix retainers...

The debracification wasn't so bad. The brackets popped off fairly easily and I didn't notice the first half of the lower coming off b/c I anticipated more pain. But when the rings around the back molars came off, there was a slight stench...it's been 2 and a half years, my friends!!!

The part that was painful was the grinding away of the glue...my front teeth are sensitive and

the assistant had to hold my tongue back b/c apparently it was getting in the way and my dentist was afraid of cutting it. I still spat out blood and grit when they told me to brush....it was scary brushing w/out braces for the first time in over 2.5 yrs.

My teeth and gums hurt still when I brush them...it's been 3 days now. Oh well...I'll learn, right?

I want to use some whitening strips, but my fr

ont teeth, especially the lower ones, are very sensitive right now. Will it be bad?

Oh, and my panoramic and profile x-rays looked really good on the screen. My chin's gotten longer, even w/out the genio. They didn't print anything for me this time. I wanna get a hold of my chart from my OS or my OD...I think they share the electronic records.

W/out my braces, my teeth look longer and the overall effect is an elongated lower face. The surgery did a good bit, but w/ the braces, my lower face still looked a little on the small side (no complaints b/c it's 200% better than before!) but I was wondering if I should've had the genio. In April was glad they didn't go for the genio b/c it would've been more bruises, more pain and more swelling. But until this weekend, I started wondering if it would've been better. Now, I'm 100% sure a genio would have bordered on over-kill. My naked teeth makes my smile/mouth look longer, and adds to

the longer jaw to make my face look kinda longish. I have a very round face, or did, but it's now more oval, I think.

...to be honest, I actually was motivated to post b/c I just had oatmeal, w/ gooey, melted cottage cheese and a small dash of blueberry kefir. Soooo delicious!!!

So it was 1 packet of organic mixed berry oatmeal (from Costco) moistened w/ just enough milk to

moisten all the oats, microwaved for 1 minute. Then boiling water is added until it's softer, stirred and nuked for another minute. Then a little more boiling water is added to a soft consistency and nuked again for a minute, in 20 second spurts...the top will be a little glossy-looking. Then, about 3 Tbs of cottage cheese is thrown on top and stirred in...it gets all gooey like melted cheese!!!

I topped it w/ maybe a couple tablespoons of low fat blueberry kefir, and it was extra good, and cooled the mix down a bit for me to devour. Yum!

What am I doing making oatmeal at 10:30 pm? I'm on antibiotics again...I peed blood on Sunday night like the hour I got to my apt from the airport...and called student health. The on-call doctor told me I needed to have my urine tested, either at the emergency room b/c it was like 9 pm or 1st thing in the morning at 8 am...I had an 8:30 am class and didn't feel like missing it (again, tho I had a legit reason this time). So I went to the emergency room on Sunday night...the on-call doctor had to give me directions to it. And was there pretty much all night...got home past 1 am. I have a bladder infection...I've never had a UTI before. I'm on drugs that make me pee orange now, and the ER doctor prescribed some antibiotics called Nitrofurantoin-Macro.

But them bad boys didn't work so I had to go to student health again this afternoon.

Fortuitously, there were some med students who came to study in our library and one of them was in scrubs. I had just gone to the bathroom and my lower back was killing me...so bad it took me a minute to stand up straight and walk out of the stall. My back hurt last night as I was trying to sleep/read contracts, but I thought it was b/c I was carrying heavy things around. The med students said that if I've developed kidney pain and a day and a half of antibiotics didn't make me feel better, then I need to go see a doctor again, soon. They convinced me that I don't want to go to the ER again so I went to Student Health, called on my way and got an appt on an emergency basis, again.

The nurse practicioner I saw today is sending my urine sample to get some lab work done. Apparently the ER didn't really do that. They noted that there was alot of white blood cells in my urine on Sunday, and the nurse today said she saw lots of bacteria in my urine today. But then she said b/c my sample wasn't great today (I gave all I had, but it was only about half a cup of dark orange-brown stuff) if the lab thinks too much surface bacteria got in, they'll throw it out. I'm now on Cipro and I'm going to have to see her again on Friday morning, and if things get worse, before Friday. I hate this. I hate going to the hospital/clinic...I hate seeing doctors, unless it's my OR or OD b/c I'm so used to them and their offices that it's not stressful at all.

In happier news:

I'm learning to use my front teeth...the upper ones don't work very well.

I'm scared I'm going to knock over my teeth when I brush...

My essix retainers (yes, I have both upper and lower) are squishy...and I'm supposed to wear them 24-7 for 3 months, then every night for the next 6 months or so...then every other night for the rest of my life. And, I can't even drink warm water w/ them on b/c they'll melt, or anything other than cool water b/c it'll stain. I'm not allowed to brush it. So, I did what someone else said they were doing and bought some effervescent denture soak...but the water turns blue and I'm scared of having blue-tinted retainers. :) I think I talk funny w/ it on, but my friends say only some words are lispy.

AND, my grandmother moved to the States again!!! We saw each other for the first time in like 6 yrs...it was sad having to say good bye again. Her hand shakes now b/c she's had two brain surgeries in the past 10 yrs to drain abscess in her skull...then to replace the piping. She also shrunk a little more.

Here's my fav. grandmother and me, I tower over her and I'm only 5'2"...she's so funny; she said I grew taller since the last time I saw her...I told her how short and small I am compared to the rest of the world and she said it's been a source of pain all her life to be so short. She understands me. :)

this time next week...

2008-10-12T23:57:00.006-05:00

...I'll hopefully be in bed (most likely not) smiling in my new essix retainer with my slimy, naked teeth. But I'll probably just be up trying to understand Contracts, possibly some UCC rule or frantically reading and trying to grasp the point of some long-winded case. Or, trying to read legal methods, trying to make sure I have something substantive to say when I'm sitting in a class where the meaning has been lost on me.

but at least I won't be metal mouth anymore. I'll miss my rubber bands. I eat one every other day it seems. I don't bother to take them out when I eat b/c I eat too often, and usually it's grosser to take them out, and I have no where to store them while I'm eating.

My jaws hurt more these days. I think probably stress. My skin is terrible. It looks like I've been stung by every harmful bug on this planet and I've been left with welts and scars, and some sort of mini plough has run through my face and upturned the smoothness...all from lack of sleep and stress? Maybe. I also think maybe some of the chemicals from the surgery (now 6 months and 10 days since I went under) and all the extra doxycylcine hycate and morphine and ammoxcilin, tylenol w/ codene and other crap that was injected into me hasn't completely left my system.

I hope I won't need a splint after the rubber bands come off...I hope I don't ever grind my teeth anymore. I hope I don't even clench, but I think I do.

I noticed today that I can stick my lower jaw out really far now...but I still bite down to the side instead of straight down. Don't know what that is, but it's kinda annoying.

In good news, I started using my front teeth to bite into things. It's still not perfect, and usually it hurts, but I'm trying it out on softer things. I still can't eat stuff like nuts (unless it's slivered and on the icing of a cake so I can see that I'm eating it and anticipate it. if it's inside the cake, then it gets dangerous). I'm generally excited about loosing these brackets. I still get sore, torn tongue sides and over-rubbed parts inside my mouth.

Oh, a couple weeks ago, I test drove a Vespa...I have my eye on a yellow Vespa LX (I think that's the 50 cc one for which I won't need a motorcycle license in this state). But I want to take classes before I purchase and if I'm going to take classes I might as well get the license and get the 150 cc size. Those things are heavier than I thought and I'm so short that either I get custom seats or have to be on tippy-toes when not in motion and even then it can very well fall on me if I'm not careful. I'm not strong enough or heavy enough to handle the weight. But I really want a scooter. I think I want that yellow Vespa badly, but it can't be my first. It's too nice to ruin and I'm sure I'll drop it as a newbie.

I also want to learn on a cheaper, smaller scooter...something like a Honda Metropolitan, which is also a 50 cc engine. But that's still about 1.5 times my body weight (probably more) and although it's about 3 inches shorter than a Vespa, it may still be a bit heavy for me. But then these are motorized vehicles and probably won't be any lighter. I may start off w/ a no-name scooter that's small and light.

A guy in my class told me where he got his and said I can probably find a small one to fit me. We'll see. I think maybe next semester, b/c I'm running out of funds already this semester and the weather's getting wetter and colder...which isn't really scaring me b/c winters are so mild here compared to Chicago.

In other news...law school is still whooping my butt pretty bad. I have a 'practice exam' in torts this coming Thursday and I haven't gotten around to outlining for it. And didn't even look at the practice question my professor passed out over a week ago. And I still haven't visited my contracts prof and still fear nausea and possibly throwing up if I find my name up on the board to be called on in class that day. My prof picks 2 ppl from the seating chart or roster per class and picks on those 2 throughout the entire class...and we're half way through the semester and I haven't been called on...I feel like throwing up just thinking about being called on in that class. I was called on in every class but Contracts and Civ. Pro.

I'm not too scared about being called on in Civ. Pro. b/c our prof is hilarious and super entertaining, and it seems like he harasses (in a good way) the guys more consistently than he does the ladies. And, I read the horn book...and sometimes skim the case book and he talks about every point in the horn book, so I should be able to follow along...and every Friday, we get these clickers and he gives us multiple choice questions to "vote" on and go over the answers. I'm getting better at it. In the beginning I would get nervous and just choose a letter/number and send it w/out understanding the question or the answer choices, even though everything's anonymous. But now I'm getting the concepts more and answering more of the questions correctly.

Oh, and the asian american law students association (hereafter, AALSA) finally got out the 1L outlines compilation and the only class I can use any of those outlines is in Civ. Pro. Sad. Not a single outline for my Torts, Contracts or Legal Methods classes. My Contracts prof is new so it's natural that no one has had her, but my profs for Torts and Legal Methods are old timers here...I'm saddened. I have to study that much harder now, and I'm a bad student.

and to procrastinate, I retook a dumb quiz on line on what kind of guy is the best fit for me...last time it was a tie btwn the gentleman and the geek. this time, it's a sensitive guy...I don't know which really is the best fit for me. I think I'm too eclectic for any stock answer to fit me perfectly.

...law school is killing me

2008-09-19T10:33:00.003-05:00

and maybe my new jaws.

I used to do what my doctor called "cheating" w/ my jaw, sticking it as far out as I could to try to look normal/see if my teeth were going to come together. And maybe stress is making me do that again. I'm wasting energy being stressed out w/ my legal writing assignments and not understanding my casebook readings and just general 1L angst. Despite the fact that I know that I'm doing this, I continue...and I noticed something last night.

My front teeth were hurting and I couldn't figure it out. and I think it's stress-related. I think I'm pushing my lower jaw forward, not b/c I need to, but b/c it's what I used to do to deal w/ stress before my surgery. Before surgery, my front teeth never had a chance at touching so my teeth never hurt, but since almost all my teeth touch now (yipee!!!!) my lower teeth back up straight into my upper teeth and by my pushing my jaw forward, the pressure makes my teeth hurt. I was actually a little excited at first, thinking that all of a sudden my wires got tight in my mouth and my braces were working really hard to that final push to debracification. But no. I'm pretty sure all my old dealing w/ stress tricks are now causing auxiliary issues now.

Great. so law school is causing damage to my spankin' new jaws. Awesome, just awesome, isn't it? I'm hoping really, really, really hard that I don't start grinding my teeth again b/c that'll be the worst case scenario, b/c I really don't want to go back to splints and mouth guards.

But this too, shall pass. As will my 1L year and all of law school...in 3 years if I'm good and follow the plan. ugh. following plans suck.

But debrcification is cool!!!! One more month and I'll see my buttery sheens (which will be turned back into bright bites in due time) all naked! :) I'll miss 'em rubber bands, but won't miss these metal clunkers. ...okay, focus on notes and class now. :)

long hiatus...but good news!!!

2008-09-08T19:03:00.005-05:00

Hey all! I've been gone for a long time. But in that time, a lot has happened and I've done many things:

1. Quit my job (July 18th was my final day)

2. Moved to Atlanta, GA (sometime around August 14th or 16th or thereabouts...drove all Thursday w/ parents and two cars full of my stuff, found an apt on Friday, signed the lease and moved in on Sat.)

3. Started law school

4. been back to Chicago for a follow-up w/ my OS and a adjustment w/ my OD

And, the good news is...no, not the law school part, although it should be great news...I LOOSE MY BRACES FOR GOOD ON OCTOBER 18th!!!!! I set up a 9:30 am appointment w/ Dr. Kusnoto and he'll remove my braces and make me an Essix (sp?) retainer that same day so I can fly back to Atl w/ my new, clear retainer the next day. :) BIG SMILESSSSS!!!! So I get to see him twice that day...once in the am, and then in the afternoon to pick up my retainer and get it fitted, etc. Soooooo EXCITED!

And, my OS doesn't need to see me for 6 months this time! It'll be March 2009 before I see him again...unless something happens and he'll hear from me. And he said if the plate and screws in my lower left jaw keep on hurting and bothering me, he'll remove them. I wonder if I should go for it...and ask for the upper left plate by my nose to be removed too. I get slight puffiness about 3 times a week in the morning on my left cheek still. I tend to think it's b/c of the plates that are by my nose b/c they were a cause of some concern earlier on...but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it! B/c now, I get to be happy about progress, and I mean P-R-O-G-R-E-S-S! (trying singing Arethea's classic hit and filling in progress for respect...doesn't work)

DEBRACIFICATION will finally happen to me too!!!

And right on schedule too. I had asked him when I'll be done at my first or second post-surgery meeting w/ him and he had said 4 months. And October will be 4 months. :) Very happy that this time my teeth are on time. I was very stressed out about my teeth being about 6 months behind schedule when getting ready for the surgery. And really, the only reason why he couldn't take my braces off last Thursday was b/c there's a tiny gap btwn my two lower front teeth, and he filed down whatever was between them little ones, some gritty hardness/buildup or braces glue. AND, he doubled up my power chain so that it'll be ready for sure...he also said that even if it's not ready, the retainer will finish the job, which made me hilariously happy. Yeah, I think I was giddy at the thought then and I'm giddy at the thought of losing these metal tracks after 2 years and 6 months (and a couple weeks, once the come off)!

The only things I'll miss are the hooks that I loop my rubber bands around. I'll miss those bands that help me find my bite. I still feel a bit lost w/out them and start to dribble when I'm not paying attention or get excited in conversation. I also spit a little more than normal during speech when I lose them bands. But once the braces come off, no more bands for me, b/c I won't be getting those screws drilled into my gums. I think I'd much rather take braces w/ surgical hooks than the option of screws in my gums...yeah, if I had to redo this whole thing and they said I didn't need braces, I'll still opt for them, just for the surgery and the post-op banding.

So I am going to be aggressive about my rubber bands. I have 2 half-used bags and 2 new bags to go though in the next 6 weeks...and I'm not going to be stingy w/ them any more. Dr. Kusnoto, my OD, gave me 2 new bags of bands to last me for the home stretch but in all honesty, I've been depriving myself of them since I moved to Atl b/c I didn't bring that other new bag down here w/ me and I was afraid of running out. So no more. My teeth/jaws will get full-strength bands twice a day! I'm scared of my jaws not knowing my new bite w/out them strong bands to help guide them shut. But can't have naked teeth and rubber bands too, so I'm gonna suck it up and be big girl...at least I can be a big girl about losing my rubber band guides, even if I'm a whimpering kiddy at law school.

I'm so happy I can't wait! I'm so excited that I can't write my Rule Explanation part of my closed memo, due at 9 am, sharp, tomorrow morning. I have about 12 hours to get that written and do the dreaded Contracts reading for class....ugh...I hate being a 1L.

I'd rather go through orthognatice surgery again...I didn't even have to get up to pee in the ICU! And that morphine pump delivered small packages of bliss amidst my delirium...and no one cared that I looked like an angry sea monster who got stung in both cheeks and lips by the world's most poisonous wasps. I got pity and care instead...

...so yeah. Law school's where I've descended to. In one year, I'll be a 2L and I'll be happier, or maybe I'll have started an MBA program by then, or maybe I'll be learning aboriginal fly fishing in the straight of Gibraltar. Who knows? Life is full of surprises.

Oh, and boys still suck butt. Not literally...well, maybe literally for some boys but that's an icky thought, esp. sitting in a carrel in law school library. So back to my legal writing assignment. I'd love to hear what you all are going through now, and how much progress you've been seeing, etc!

Ciao!

btw, I'm at 22.5 weeks and regaining some sensitivity in my upper teeth...right side is coming along better than the left. Left half of the roof of my mouth still has little to no feeling and the left upper teeth are still like little lost boys of never-never land. And surprisingly, the lower left quadrant of my jaw/left chin and lip are still not fully back. I'm thinking that my other nerves are just learning to compensate for the possibly, maybe semi-permanent nerve damage. I also tend to touch my upper front teeth w/ the tip of my tongue alot...w/out knowing why. I really should stop procrastinating....:)

whoa! almost week 14!

2008-07-09T13:15:00.005-05:00

it's been 3 months...on July 3rd. Amazing how time flies, and I think I'm about 95% back to my normal activities and energy levels. Totally psyched! I skip and run and hop around the office on occasion again. (maybe to some others' dismay)

I hope everyone had a great 4th of July weekend! Even if you're not in the US of A, hope you had a fantastic weekend. The weather in Chicago was a little chilly on the 3rd, pleasant on the 4th, absolutely heavenly on the 5th and can't remember the 6th. :)
I skipped the Taste of Chicago again this year. I probably wouldn't have been able to eat anything anyways...even my usual bag of bing cherries from the Dominick's tent. Maybe some other year. I was so close the whole time! I could look out the south windows of the office and look down at the Taste, and was in Millennium Park on Sat. but we decided to get Jamba Juice and watch Kung Fu Panda. FUN!

I don't have much to report, other than that I jump and skip and run now. I was never a good runner so that's not coming easily, but ballet has been fun, tho surprisingly, the turns are harder to get back into. Something about not being able to spot and being deathly afraid of getting dizzy for fear of falling is keeping me back more than usual. The jumps aren't as intimidating, surprisingly enough, but I also try to land very carefully through the toe-ball-heel motion as to kill any jarring up my knees and head. I also keep my tongue between my teeth to cushion and hard landings. So overall, my jumps are better b/c I'm so careful not to hurt myself.
I'm also eating ground meat and over-boiled veggie soups. Still no chicken or steak or slabs of meat or crisp veggies. It's been nearly 14 weeks! It'll be week 14 tomorrow. So overall nutrition consumption is getting better...however, in a TMI sorta way, bowel movements are not doing so awesome. I think the lack of fiber is attributing. I always forget to supplement my fiber w/ powders. It's not that I'm not regular, it's more that it's painful coming out and even difficult...and it's a lot less than what it was before, even since the surgery.
The odd part is that I'm not exactly ballooning back to my pre-surgery weight as I had expected I would once I can start ordering off restaurant menus (stuff like Shepard's pie and grilled fish w/ rice or soft rolls are what I go for). I think I gained some mass but the poundage is still hovering around the -10 lbs mark. Maybe I had lost more than 10 lbs and I was just in denial...and actually gained some back and now can read the scale more accurately so think I'm the same. I'm scared of gaining everything back. I want to loose an extra 10 lbs from now, and I think by now it's safe if I do loose some. But since I'm only 5'2", I may have to take it slow...like do it over 4 months instead of 2.
I lost my butt and I'm not happy about that. I don't know how to get it back, other than gain tons of weight but that would make me look fat and the rest of my body will also gain weight. I don't think I can keep up w/ stuff like lunges b/c I'm not a huge "exercise" person. Which is why I dance, b/c I enjoy it and it improves my posture and loosens my tight back/neck. And dancing increases my understanding of the human physiology in an organic way and helps me to appreciate the arts. The exercise is like a plus side to it...but anyways, yeah.

I'm getting ready to move down to Atlanta in August. For law school!!! I'm also on the wait-list at a school here in Chicago, which would be nice if I could get in, but it's a less fun school. On the other hand, law school is more about learning and getting ahead in that specific field than about fun, unlike undergrad, where fun/networking/friendships/social was just as important as academic pursuits and development towards a career or field. So keep your fingers crossed for me and remember me in your prayers, everyone!
As part of going away to law school, I will be quitting my job. I tendered my official letter of resignation from my first-ever real job on Thurs, July 3rd. They knew I was quitting and even knew the date, but asked for an official letter so I wrote one in about 5 mins and submitted it before heading out to the long weekend. I will miss this firm and the ppl and the contacts and the regularity...even though the regularity is fastly becoming tedium for me in recent months. July 18, 2008 is my last day here. Wow...it would have been 2 years, 3 months and 1 week (8 days, but a week is close enough) since my start date, which is a week after I got my braces to start this orthognathic correction process. I'm happy it all happened, tho I would've enjoyed more of a bohemian lifestyle for those right-after-college years. I'm glad I got to see that I'll survive the corporate world, and maybe even come out of it w/ my initial crazy spirit intact.

So that's my update. I still want to find more no-chew recipes. One of my very good friends is gonna have her tonsils removed in early August and she was told that she'll be off solids for 2 weeks!!! So I fully intend on giving her some tips on liquid foods...I'm almost an expert now, right? hahaha....

....my lower left jaw hurts right now. Like right where the metal plates are. The right side doesn't hurt at all. Making me a little concerned. It feels a little harder/larger and a bit warmer than the other side. Argg....my metal plates haven't hurt much for the past week and now this is making me nervous.

gastronomic updates

2008-06-30T00:52:00.002-05:00

Back a while ago, when I could barely swallow the mush that made it into my mouth, I loved yogurt w/ mashed bananas and yogurt w/ applesauce…both w/ cinnamon or nutmeg or pumpkin pie spice. Well, I’ve moved up in the chewability scale and I’m living the hard, rough-and-tumble life of cottage cheese. Yes! I can now eat cottage cheese! I remember when it was like grating sand against my palate, but I’m making myself actually “chew” and it’s been a good week. I’ve chewed cottage cheese, and tho most still end up in my braces or hidden under the brackets against the sides of my molars, it feels good…like I’m eating again! That said, I think I’m beginning to regain some weight…I don’t want to. I want to loose more, to be honest, but not in the unhealthy post-major-operation way. I wanted to loose about 10 lbs more (believe it or not, I’ll still be w/in a healthy/medically acceptable BMI range).
And I’ve been feeling lots more energy…still a tad bit down from before, but I’m working on it. This week I’m def. gonna force myself to do more exercise. I do have 9 dance classes I’ve paid for at the Lou Conte dance studio home of (Hubbard Street Dance) and I’m determined to take at least 2 classes per week! I also want to squeeze in regular floor barre classes at Giordano Dance Center, I miss Fury Gold and the ladies I’ve taken class w/ for the past 2+ years. Maybe w/ more exercise I’ll feel more energetic and less…‘buggy’…don’t ask me what I mean.
I continue to have digestion issues b/c I’m impatient and just swallow food I can’t chew. It can’t be good and I def. feel ill alot after such meals. But I’m such a little bugger.

I cooked today! I finally made the minestrone that my friend passed on as her mom’s recipe. It was supposed to be a veggie-only soup but it called for a veggie stock cube and I didn’t want to use anything w/ MSG or artificial flavoring so I used 3/8th lb of lean ground turkey to help flavor the soup. It turned out to be more of a veggie-heavy stew. Here’s the original recipe my friend Jessica L. sent me:
2 tbs extra virgin olive oil
1 large stick of celery1 leek (use only the white part)2 carrots2 large potatoes1 lb. fresh green beans
2 zucchini1 vegetable stock cube (available in the Hispanic section of grocery stores)Heat the oil in a large pot. As it is heating up (keep it at medium heat), cut the fresh vegetables in roughly 1 inch pieces in this order and add each ingredient to the pot as soon as you are finished cutting: celery, leek, carrots, potatoes, green beans, zucchini. Stir in between veggie additions. Add the stock cube and enough water to just cover the vegetables completely. Let it simmer until the potatoes are tender. Salt and pepper to taste. Then just blend it and eat!
But I sautéed a little over a quarter pound of lean ground turkey in the olive oil and b/c I had no celery, I dumped in the remainder of my legendary beans-and-grains veggie sludge slow-cooked for days. [I think I figured out why it was so difficult to eat to begin with. It’s too heavy with the aromatics—onions, garlic, celery, carrots—it’s the best explanation I’ve come up w/ so far…the others were that it was brown and mushy, and it was too much root-vegetables.] I then chopped the pre-prepped veggies into about 1-cm pieces/cubes instead of the recommended inch-pieces. And I took my sweet time w/ it all so things cooked down while I chopped and added and stirred. I also added about 1/5th of a head of cabbage that was drying out in the vegetable box in the fridge. After I covered the veggies w/ water, I turned up the heat and walked away…and returned to stir every 10 mins for about an hour until I was sure all the veggies were mushy. It smelled pretty good. I made my brother eat a bowl.
I decided to freeze a couple quart-sized freezer bags of it. I added a cube of Korean curry-block to half the soup, not enough to be like a thick curry served on rice but just enough for a good, curry-spice flavor. Before it was a hearty and clean-tasting stew and now I have a bag of curry soup and a bag of what I’m calling Vegetarian Minestrone w/ (Ground) Turkey. I can’t possibly eat a large pot of stew by myself so the freezer will help me bring it back in a few weeks. I pureed a bit of the soup pre-curry, and it was good. But I think it can be “chewed” b/c all the veggies were cooked down so much. I’m still happy w/ the results. I learned that meat adds flavor as does oils/fats and cooking ingredients in certain orders adds/alters flavors too.
So now there’s mashed bananas w/ cottage cheese, papaya w/ cottage cheese, applesauce w/ cottage cheese and even oatmeal or cream of wheat w/ cottage cheese!

I also had ETHIOPIAN at Demera in Uptown, and I couldn’t eat the drumstick in the doro wot, but had bits of the egg and had some special kitfo (well-done, w/ home-made cottage cheese) even though it was hard to eat. The injera tasted so good and the texture was great and perfect for me! I also had my fill of kik alicha and tikkel gomen. I didn’t get any misir wot…b/c we chose a 2-veggie and 2-meat combo thing. I liked Demera, but I don’t know if it’s better than Queen of Sheba. I have to give it another go w/ more ppl and order more food when I can have some tibs.
That’s my gastronomic update.

Quarter-Century Lived

2008-06-24T16:22:00.003-05:00

Hey all,
I feel old. Quarter-century old, to be exact. Yeah. Thought I'd say something but words escape me. Wow, what a rarity. But worry naught, verbiage will visit me again soon.
I wanted to go down to the farmer's market in our building's plaza today to buy some eucalyptus for my new office to mask the icky new varnish smell from the new furniture, but I was literally slammed w/ too much work today. Yesterday I was blowing imaginary bubbles and trying hard to look busy and today I didn't sit for 10 minutes in silence. I was constantly asked to come look at something, called on to update the progress of projects and start new indicies and given advice on future choices. Wow, it's been a full day at work. But I don't even have a slice of cake or a scoop of ice cream to welcome me into the second quarter century. I've been given a few cards...including the mandatory birthday card from the Chicago office head, P. Suse...and several dozen facebook wall scribbles and messages and e-mails.
I have to go to a DCC meeting after work...they may want to buy me a drink at the bar we'll go to post-meeting. But I sorta want to go to my first movie night at the residence of some boy I do not know yet, but I know other regulars of the movie nights and I'll go meet the host boy and see my dear friends. I hope this isn't an omen about how my life is going to be for the next 25 years...full of busy work and unmanageable and unpredictable projects. I hope it'll be more fun and relaxing than the first 25 years have been...at least I'll have functional teeth and jaws to work with!
I was not planning on really celebrating my birthday this year b/c I thought back, and in the past it's always over some great food. And since I can't really eat, there's no point...but at the request of some friends, I'm planning my own b-day dinner. I want Ethiopian, and I want a bunch of my gals to come together...I haven't restricted it as a girls' night yet, but I may. I don't know of any guys interested in coming to my b-day dinner anyways. And Tigist says she knows of a new place that's even better than the Queen of Sheba and I'm eager to try it out! :) And hopefully they'll roast some coffee beans when we're done and let us waft the aroma and drink mini tasses of sweet Ethiopian coffee.
That's my wish. I asked my parents to take me to Sweet Tomatoes for my birthday and my mom refused. She said, "and pay for a buffet when you're going to drink broth and can't touch any of the salads?" I retorted, "I'll eat the soupy parts of the soups and some of the breads and some of the pastas!" And my dad chimed in, "you can go have the frozen yogurt." Then he digressed to new Red Mango locations opening around Chicago and the suburbs. I want to go try it out...I just want some cake and ice cream. It's my birthday, afterall.
-Grace

Taco Mash

2008-06-20T13:07:00.003-05:00

I was told by my college dormmate friend, Lindsay, that she ate this thing she called "Taco Mash" alot after her jaw surgeries. And for the last week, I felt I was well enough to move on to this cullinary delight and other such soft foods, so I was planning on buying a taco or two and dumping the contents out on to a plate and mashing everything up w/ the refried beans. But whaddaya kno? Our office had a staff appreciation lunch today...TACOS! So I had my taco mash, for the first time, and I wanted to eat another huge plate. It was that good.

My Taco Mash started off with one soft tortilla at the bottom of the plate (I can't eat it, but I love flour tortillas and chapatis and other foods like that). I topped that w/ a couple serving-spoonfuls of refried beans (the consistency is very similar to very soft mashed potatoes, my vehicle for eating minced food), some seasoned ground beef and some of that saucy liquid (I picked out the carrots and peppers in there), spanish rice (also minus the veggie additives), a generous sprinkling of grated queso fresco, a scoopful of salsa and even a bit of shredded lettuce! I had to use my knife to mince the lettuce some more, but it was sooooo good!!

This is what it was, sorta, minus the taco shell/bowl, sour cream and guac...and I had queso fresco instead of the shredded cheddar-looking cheese and pretty smooth salsa instead of the chunks of tomatos.

I was looking for some pictures of taco insides on google and started watching youtube videos on how to make a taco salad...and noticed that I didn't get avocados or sour cream as a choice for my taco mash.

I have a couple avocados sitting at home, so I guess I can try a taco mash at home if I get adventurous enough to grocery shop and cook this weekend! I'm not a huge fan of sour cream to begin w/ so I didn't really miss that, but avocados, I like. And since the surgery, I've single-handedly consumed at least 4 avocados on my own...all w/in the first 8 or 9 weeks. That's more avocados crammed in any 2 months of my life! And I think I wanna try ground turkey instead of beef. :)

...I a thin wire holding the main wire and hooks to my brackets unravelled inside my left cheek, on the upper teeth and hurt me all day until I went in for my 6:45 pm emergency ortho appt. Well, I think I was squeezed in at the end of the day b/c they couldn't see me any other time. Well, my orthodontis, Dr. Kusnoto wasn't there b/c his wife's water broke and he went on paternity leave. So a colleague of his saw me instead, she was really nice and looked young for a professor, but she found some loose hooks and tightened them for me when she replaced the thin, loose wire. I wasn't seen until like 7:30 pm b/c I think she had to take over all of my dr's patients as well as her own so they had to stay late, but thing are fixed in my mouth!

It's 11 weeks post-op and my surgeon, Dr. Heffez, allowed me to return to normal physical activities, such as dancing and jumping and running...but I think I'll have to watch it b/c my mouth still hurts alot, and downward dog, which I attempted last Sat. during basic ballet warm up, was stressful on my sinuses, mouth and overall head. So...we'll see what happens this weekend!

Follow ups galore

2008-06-18T10:55:00.004-05:00

My teeth hurt in new and different ways. I'm back to drooling and spewing when attempting speech. My speech sounds like I'm newly acquiring some obscure Bostonian accent...or regressing into baby-talk.

On Monday I met w/ my OS, who is set on quelling my fears about my metal plates. He tried to wiggle my upper jaw while pressing on the plates (in the places that I said was hurting) and he said everything needs to stay where they are right now. So a small sigh of relief...I half wanted the plates removed b/c of the pain and noises but really didn't want another operation and really, really didn't want stitches in my mouth again so soon.
...I was slightly surprised when he said I didn't have plates in my lower jaw when I said I only have dull pain there but not any specifically pokey pains or sounds. He then pulled up my x-rays and corrected himself. It's been nearly 11 weeks, and he's busy, but how does he forget? I haven't forgotten b/c it's my own mouth, it hasn't been that long and I live w/ my jaws everyday. But anyways...
He moved my elastics to hook in the same places by my canines on top and way back to the last bracket on the bottom. I drooled alot yesterday but overall felt pretty good, minus the back teeth. By moving the elastics back, I could fit a spoon in my mouth and I felt like I could open my mouth w/ more ease.

But...I went to see my OD for the first time since the surgery, and the elastics moved again. Dr. Heffez said on Monday that if Dr. Kusnoto moves my elastics again, that'll be okay.
In December, he had moved his practice to a new facility. I didn't see him at his private practice since late last November when I was deemed ready for surgery, but insurance took so long and then the OR schedules were so screwy and unreliable that I didn't have my surgery until April. And it's been almost 11 weeks since my surgery and now it's June and I had to fumble my way to the new office in a neighborhood of Chicago I don't think I've ever been. The facility was pretty awesome, w/ portable/rolling dentist's platforms w/ computers at each examination chair, some partially walled-in places for more private consultations and surgeries and a large, clean reception area. I was impressed.
I arrived a bit early and was seen before my appointed 5:30 pm after a short wait. Dr. Kusnoto had more assistants and even a separate front desk girl/lady. His assistant, Beth (Huibi) was glad to see me as was I, and it seemed like she was now managing the place instead of doing the chair-side work for him.
I had my power chain replaced, it hurt coming off and going on. I don't think my OD has different colors, just different strengths in the same greyish-whitish-clearish color. He did something else to my upper front brackets, maybe replace some rings, but they have thin wires holding everything together. I don't know....
In any case, he moved my elastics again. The top positions are essentially the same, on the upper canines, except that on the left side he has the elastic on two hooks instead of one. On the bottom the elastics hook on to the last bracket on each side and forward to the lower canines. I'll take pictures soon. They're larger triangles and he says it'll only take about 4 months for all the spaces to close up and my teeth to come together! I'm really stoked about that...I was expecting 8-10 months. But I won't get too excited too early...my teeth are lazy little things and procrastinate their moves. But even w/ some delays, I hope to have them off by Christmas!
Last Christmas, all I wanted for Christmas was my surgery, Christmas of 2006, all I wanted for Christmas was my two front teeth to stop hurting. All I want for Christmas 2008 is my two front teeth freed from its wires and chains and brackets! And the rest of their buddies freed as well, if at all possible. :)
All my teeth hurt now but that's expected after an orthodontist fiddling around your mouth, right?

I'm talking much better and overall feel better. I'm getting used to all the teeth pains. I get compliments from ppl all the time about my improved speech and enunciation. I still drool on occasion but it's rare and sometimes I can feel the drool coming so I can quickly react. The corners of my mouth are still a bit lazy but I'm not gonna complain b/c I feel things even in my lower left lip. Improvements!
I get to go back to all physical activities, including dance. Yay! Which reminds me, I have to reply to Linda about this Friday's free midnight funk dance class at Hubbard Street/Lou Conte Dance Studio. If anyone is in Chicago, come by! I've never taken funk/hip-hop, but it sounds like fun, and it's for all levels. I'm still on soft foods, which doesn't bother me b/c w/ the elastics going so far back to my back molars, it's hard to brush my teeth anyways, so soft foods will be easier to clean up after. :)

...and one more thing to be happy about: I move into my new office tomorrow!!!!! It's an interior office and I'll be there for only a month...depending on when I decide will be my last day here at this dear old firm. But law school, here I come! W/ a new, functional bite!

ouchies. and snapping elastics

2008-06-13T17:32:00.003-05:00

My elastics on the right side keeps on snapping every few days while the ones on the left have never snapped. I spent the whole day yesterday w/out elastics b/c the right side snapped the night before and I forgot to replace elastics in the morning. And by last night I couldn't figure out what was going on w/ my bite. It was skewed and my left molars were smashing against each other or scrunching up and my right molars didn't feel like they were closing at all. :(

Once I put the elastics back on my bite returned to normal w/in half an hour, but I can't figure out why my right elastics keep on snapping while the left side never snaps. I did notice while I was putting the elastics back on last night that some are skinnier than others, but I can't believe that for one, there are that many irregularly skinny elastics in my bunch and two, that I consistently put skinnier/weaker ones on my right side and the thicker/stronger ones on my left. I'm not that gifted.

In any case, can I keep these elastics for as long as I have braces? I didn't like the way my bite screwed itself up w/out them in a day. It troubled me dearly until I got the elastics back on. For a hysterical second I thought maybe I've really screwed things up and all b/c I was neglectful...and forgetful. But now that the bite feels as good as ever, I wanna keep these forever. If I my mouth can't remember how to bite correctly w/out elastics and outside help after less than 24 hours of free-flapping, then I don't know how I'm going to manage w/out them long-term.

The ouchies refer to my metal plates and screws. I feel them. The ones closest to my nose. The ones holding my lower jaw hurt occasionally but I never feel them independent of the pain. Even when it hurts, it's not like I feel the metal plates, it's more of a dull pain on either side of my lower jaw, usually in the mornings after I'd slept on one side. I feel the metal plates holding my upper jaw together 24-7. The ones closer to my ears aren't as bothersome and I only feel those when I apply gentle pressure, they feel like they're poking my teeth roots. But the ones next to my nose are troublesome. They hurt and make noise randomly that only I can hear. The ones on the right side hurt w/out even being touched, and I feel pokey things. I don't really want another surgery to have them removed b/c stitches under my upper lip lasted at least a whole month and were the most painful ones of all...and my upper lip kinda got sucked up into my mouth after the surgery and they're just now beginning to loosen and become a little fuller again. But I feel the dumb plates all the time and they hurt even when I'm not bothering them. :( I really want to just get used to the feeling, but I don't like the feeling of scratchy metal rubbing on my bones...or screws working loose...this might be in my imagination, but the weird sounds every once in a while doesn't help.

Honestly, I can't feel the gap I felt where they cut my upper jaw that I felt the first month post-op. And I don't hear as much liquid/bubbles passing through that gap, or bones creaking around in there, but the teeny, very occasional noises scare me more now than those louder, bubbly feelings of yore.

Oh well, I go see Dr. Heffez again on Monday after my first whole month away from my doctor! And, to add to the excitement of next week, I get to go see my orthodontist for the first time since the surgery on Tuesday! I've been "released to Dr. Kusnoto" as Dr. Heffez says :) yay!?!? I'm happy about this release, but kinda not so excited about the orthodontics part...sooner I start it, the sooner I'll be done (damn those necessary evils). On a brighter note, it'll be sunny tomorrow and won't rain (or so weather.com says...tho it's been raining for the past week and a half and it's supposed to rain on Sunday)! Wheee!!!

inching towards week 10

2008-06-09T01:25:00.000-05:00

I just had another food idea…this is turning into more of a food blog now that I’m eating and recovering. It helps that I’m not in constant excruciating pain, or dripping blood out of my nose. The snack/mini-meal that made me happy today was a quickie-bread pudding-like thing w/ mashed bananas and almond butter. I mashed a banana and ate half and pushed the other half to the side of the dish. Then I took half a slice of wheat bread and tore it into 3 pieces. Then I smeared a little less than a tablespoon of almond butter on the pieces of bread. Next I topped the almond butter w/ a teaspoon of thick honey, evenly divided among the 3 pieces. I arranged it on the dish w/ the mashed bananas, the bananas scooped on top of the bread, sorta covering it all. Next I added a splash of milk and microwaved it for 30 seconds. It was slightly warm and the milk was absorbed. I added about a 1/3 cup of milk and ate! It didn’t look awesome but tasted really good!

It’s been 2 months and although my doctor didn’t give the official go-ahead to run, I jogged a little to catch a train on Friday and to catch up to someone on Saturday. I’ll see my surgeon again in about a week, and I’m pretty sure he’ll let me get back to normal activities. I am itching to go back to ballet. I’m going to go back to classes and just do the barre and the center floor stuff and excuse myself for the hard stuff like jumps and such, this week. As long as it’s no impact I’m sure it’ll be okay.

It’s storming really badly and there’s been several severe rain, thunder and possibly hail warnings in this area in the past 2-3 days. It’s wicked humid and can get hot enough so that it feels unbearable and icky b/c the sweat won’t dry in the sick humidity. It’s storming now…lots of loud, rumbling thunder that vibrates through the house and lots of lightening.
I love watching the lightening…ever since some “Korean language camp for MK’s” I suffered through during the week of Easter break in 8th grade. It stormed one night and the electricity went out so all of us were gathered in the mess-hall type place called the Ark, probably after dinner and it was raining so bad that none of us wanted to trudge through the mud rivulets to get to our respective cabin-bunking areas. Hak was strumming a guitar, Hannah Lee totally into him, some telling scary stories to the little ones, the really little ones crying or clinging to their mothers who were volunteers or to the other teachers/adults. I don’t remember what I was doing, but I wandered over to a large window and just stared out at the night and the rain. And lightening struck! It illuminated the entire garden I was looking out into; everything was washed in a bluish-white light for a fraction of a second. Fascinated, I kept my post and a little later, another lightening! And this time it was a purplish light, it was so beautiful. I think my friend Esther found me and joined me for a bit and I explained to her the beauty of lightening. She watched w/ me for a while then got bored but I kept on staring out at the pitch-dark rain, waiting for lightening, and saw so much beauty that one night. Ever since, I loved watching the world light up in the middle of the night for barely a slice of a second, hoping not to blink, b/c I’ll miss it literally in the blink of an eye.

I’ll end w/ another food thing. I made a type of savory salmon bread pudding tonight. I greased the inside of a casserole w/ a touch of butter and lined the bottom w/ the heels of a loaf of bread, torn into itty-bitty pieces. I ripped the edges off of 3 and a half more slices of bread, tore it into bits and added them to the bottom. I then opened and drained a can of salmon, flaked it w/ some fresh-ground black pepper and spread it evenly over the bits of bread. I sprinkled maybe a tablespoon of parmesan cheese over the salmon and sprinkled about a teaspoon each of lemon pepper and garlic pepper over that. I then thawed about a cup and a half to 2 cups of a tomato and cheese soup that I froze a few weeks ago b/c it tasted more like sauce than soup, and spread that over the salmon. I tore the crust-less slices of wheat bread into more itty bits and evenly covered the tomato and cheese soup-sauce layer. I sprinkled sweet paprika powder on top for flavor and color. Over that, I poured a mixture of 1 egg beaten w/ a cup of milk and just a splash of chicken broth. I let it sink in, and b/c it wasn’t soaking into the bottom of the casserole, I poured more chicken broth along the edges and poked a butter knife through to the bottom in several places, easing the liquids down. I baked it for 45 minutes at 350 degrees Fahrenheit and b/c the center wasn’t set and still a little eggy, left it on 300 degrees for 15 minutes longer, covered it b/c the edges were getting crispy and it could be tough to eat. It turned out well, I never added salt to any of it b/c the soup-sauce had salt in it, the chicken broth was seasoned, and the garlic pepper and lemon pepper had salt too.
It was good. Probably about 1000 calories for the whole thing but it could easily be 6 meals for me. Yum…and nutritious too!!! I think it’s a good carb-and-protein balance, esp compared to the amount of protein I’ve been managing to consume. I need more fresh veggies soon or I’ll develop some sort of deficiency.
It’s late so I’ll go nite-nite! The storm seems to have quelled…

Month TWO coming up!

2008-06-02T18:22:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow, it'll be two months since my surgery!
Still on mush and purees. I can't exactly chew soft things, but I can swallow bits of bread, small amounts of soggy rice, and even meat sometimes if cut up into a mash and mixed w/ mashed potatoes or something like it.

I've been eating tons of bread pudding, b/c it's one way to consume bread, but I don't make it so sweet so it can be eaten room-temperature as a breakfast or a dinner, not just a heavy dessert. But I've always loved bread pudding, so I'm going to try a Savory bread pudding recipe. I have the general idea down, milk and eggs w/ spices w/ either sugar/dried fruit/berries or pureed meats and veggies.

I microwaved half a can of spaghetti-and-meatballs thing and mashed it up w/ a fork for a good 5 minutes and that was good. If I'm careful, I can eat w/ a fork w/out damaging myself or the elastics too much. I mash fish when available and I cut up noodles doused in sauce or soup and slurp/swallow that. But I choke on alot of stuff so I should be more careful.

Little red bumps around my lips/nose are still there, but teensy zit-like bumps have joined the group. I am starting to wonder if they're b/c of my continued use of Vaseline Lip Therapy. I love that stuff! It goes on morning and night, and sometimes when my lips feel dry and stretched during the day. Should I stop using it for a week and see if that's the problem? The bumps are painful, unsightly and annoying!
Another hypothesis that I've come up w/ is that b/c my body is still trying to heal there, it's sending an overload of blood and repairing supplies, and among "repairing supplies" is extra lipids. And whatever doesn't get used w/in an allotted time is being dumped out via the epidermis. If this is the case, then there's nothing I can do about it. Which sucks.

I can still feel the metal plates holding my upper jaw in place, I wonder if the feeling will go away or they'll keep on bothering me and will have to be removed next year. I don't want to remove them any sooner than the first anniversary of my orthognatic surgery. I want them to be there to make sure nothing wobbles around, and surely w/in a year all the bone healing will be done.

But, I've worked over time last Wednesday and tonight. I get exhausted when I do work overtime, so I am a little frustrated at my low energy levels and stamina. But all in good time, right?

Snapped Elastics and Pancakes

2008-05-28T10:56:00.004-05:00

drumroll, please....

I've eaten pancakes! Twice! The first was at McDonald's, which I haven't been to in...possibly over a year. But their "hotcakes" were very soft and yummy w/ syrup.

And this morning, I ate part of a pancake from that food bar thing downstairs from my office building. It was a little crummy...in more than one sense. But I paid $2.50 for that single pancake (they weigh the food and charge an index finger per pound) so I attempted it. The "crust" was too hard, and I snapped an elastic band while eating it. I hoped it would last me the day. I don't have any at work...
...should I remove all of them and go w/out for one day? I don't want my bite being skewed b/c I'm only wearing elastics on one side...

So I've decided that since I'm up and walking around during breakfast hours at Micky-D's, I should go in and get just their hotcakes once a week. It'll be a treat for me until I can eat real food.
My main concern about food continues to be protein. I was never a big protein eater, but I am getting worried that I'm not getting enough of it b/c most proteins come in hard-to-eat formats like steak, cottage cheese, protein bars, eggs or in icky protein shakes. I have been fastidious in thinking about how to consume more protein but haven't been fastidious in trying out new ways. Scrambled eggs are doable now that I'm more capable of swallowing bigger bits of solids, but still a couple spoonfuls are about my limit before they get stuck in my braces or spat out.

My left joint area has been in alot of pain recently and I've reverted to sleeping w/ my hand pressed against whichever side jaw is on the pillow...

....later that night....
I was forced to work past 9 pm. I worked more today than I have any other day since the surgery. Over 10.5 hours! And it feels like I haven't slept in 2 or 3 days...even though that's not true. My body isn't really what it used to be, maybe in a few more months I'll get my energy back.

Week 7 post-op, FOOD

2008-05-22T00:57:00.011-05:00

It is now week 7 post-op. Yay...

Pictures of my first real-looking meal. Pureed chicken noodle soup w/ a bit of pureed yu choy. Looked too good to be real at week 4.

Yum? I thought so. Progresso Chicken with Noodles and Vegetables, pureed w/ just a 1/4 slice of cold Provolone cheese, torn into itty, bitty bits. One sprig of cooked Yu Choy pureed w/ a touch of milk or chicken broth.

This picture shows the tiny dessert spoon I had to use and still use today b/c large spoons can barely squeeze into my mouth past the elastics and forks stab my lips/tongue/teeth and the tines get tangled in my elastics. The spoon is about as wide as my thumb. And I have very small hands.

Additionally...the next picture is from 5 weeks post-op.

Dessert. Half a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich w/ a dollop of Activia vanilla yogurt and some pureed strawberry bits mascerated in honey. Delicious and beautiful! It's sitting on a volume of The Bonfire of the Vanities, which is on my bed where I lived for several weeks after surgery.

I found that the ice cream sandwich was really great b/c the "cookie" parts were soft enough so that it could be mushed in my mouth by my tongue or be mixed in w/ slightly melted ice cream. But, I couldn't handle ice cream or any cold food for the first few weeks. It was wonderful when I could. But, I have not-so-great memories from when I had my wisdom teeth removed...of over-eating ice cream. So I don't eat it too often now.

short update!

I can't see any more stitches or "hanging threads" when I lift my upper lip! That little slip of skin holding my lip to the top of my gums isn't straight and taught like my brother's. I keep on making him show me the inside of his mouth to see what's normal. It's a little squiggly, but it's not like a stitch that adhered to my gums and turned into skin so I'm happy. I think that was the last of the stitches. I kept on rinsing water through that area to encourage the threads to fall out...I guess that's that. :)

Happy to be rid of the residual stitches...after 7 weeks!

Memories...and New Vibrations

2008-05-18T22:43:00.016-05:00

I always have these really great thoughts that I want to record while brushing my teeth, or bathing, or falling asleep, or working, or talking to someone, or watching TV, etc...and I never remember what those wonderful insights were when I sit down to blog. That's why I'm such a horrible blogger.
But I finally got the pictures on my camera transferred to my external hard drive! It's not on Picasa or on facebook yet but it's a step closer. I also got the pictures off my dad's cell phone from the surgery prep (pre-op) room and that single picture of me as the angry sea-monster after waking up and being moved to the ICU.

Down Memory Lane

I wondered out loud w/ my mom about doctor's fees and how long it all took...how I thought I had forgotten how to tell time or that my eye sight was failing when I woke up and saw the clock in the OR. I was expecting to see something close to 2 pm but I saw something like 5:47 pm. My mom said it was about 6:30 pm when they were told I was moved to the ICU. She said at around 5:50 pm my surgeon came out and said I would be awake and moved to the ICU about 40 minutes after my surgery was over.

I think what I remember is waking up groggy and kinda feeling icky and squinting at the clock on the green-tiled wall of what I believe was the OR. I remember seeing the doctors who assisted w/ my surgery still in scrubs and caps and masks. They lifted me off the table by the sheet, just like on ER, and slid me on to the transporting stretcher. And maybe I fell asleep again b/c I remember being wheeled to the ICU but the one resident I met in the pre-op room, Dr. Mingkus (or something like it) was not in the same place as I remembered him when I woke up in the OR. I don't even know if I saw Dr. Heffez, my OS. When they slid me off the operating table I remember seeing a blond lady by my left leg who I saw in the pre-op room at around 6:30 am before all the residents went to their morning class before my operation. But when they were rolling me to the ICU, I don't think I saw her. I only saw her again the next day or that night when a bunch of them came for rounds. So maybe I did spend some time waking up in the recovery room, even though I don't remember any of it. I thought I woke up in the OR and was moved directly to the ICU. But once I was moved I was still out of it and sleepy.
I remember being proud of myself for remembering the words "nausea" and "hip" to indicate that I was feeling sick and that my hip hurt while they wheeled me to the ICU. I think I was told something before the doctors left me, and I remember thinking my nurse, Shruti's name was Trudy. I had heard wrong b/c of the cotton-in my ears and brains feeling but then later, after she brought me my morphine pump, I read her name tag.

My parents were brought to see me in my barely-alive state. I found that I not only could I not close my jaws, but that I also could not pull my lips closed. The fact that I didn't know where my nurse call-button and controls were added to my frustration and discomfort. I remember trying to tell my mom about everything/something but she kept telling me not to talk. My parents also kept looking at the screen showing my vitals and I kept on turning around to see it b/c it was behind my left shoulder. Every time I craned my sore, swollen neck to see the screen my mom told me not to and my heart rate would increase and the other beeps would get louder and more urgent. I remember thinking that my heart rate was way too fast...I think it was around 95 or 100 bpm. The sticky tabs they stuck to my chest while in pre-op that was now connected to the beeping machines.

Needless to say, I was tired but couldn't imagine going to sleep when my parents left at around 8 pm. I managed to find The Office on TV after my parents left but between pushing the morphine pump constantly and trying not to be bothered by the sounds of the commercials and the show itself, I didn't find any of it funny. I had lost my sense of humor in my half-dead state. Which was just as well b/c laughing or even smiling would have been painful and impossible.
I may have had the breathing tube in when I first woke I first woke up in the OR but it was gone by the time I came to and it was replaced w/ an oxygen tube w/ the two little nasal tubelettes that shot cool oxygenated air into my nose. The breathing tube may have been removed in recovery or as soon as I got to the ICU, before my parents were brought in. I just know my open lips and the tip of my nose was constantly slathered in some sort of ointment. My doctor had the nurses constantly reapply that stuff on my lips (I guess to help heal the gigantic, stretched corners of my mouth that looked more like a vertical set of extra lips...it was that red and puffed) and nose (for the wound on my nose from the breathing tube...I still have a scar by my right nostril). He threw it out when he came to see me in the regular room and said I should begin to use the Vaseline lip treatment that I got the day before surgery.

...continued on Wednesday, May 21, 2008...

I used the Vaseline on my lips and nose for 2 weeks...until the nose healed, and I still use a little on my lips morning and night. But no more shining up my nose w/ it.

This is the one I use. I love it.

My doctor told me to get the stuff for lips, in a squeeze tube, not like the big jar but I use my finger to apply it anyways. I think maybe he didn't want me to get the stick-type lip balms b/c it would've been difficult and painful to use in the first few weeks when my whole face was swollen and sore. He also said not to get anything w/ Phenol in it, which is an acid that creates the slight numbing sensation, which feels good but doesn't help w/ healing, which is what we're aiming for. He recommended the Vaseline and I he approved of this one. I found everything else had phenol in it, except for maybe Burt's Bees.

New Vibes, New Senses!

The corners of my mouth hurt and are sore. I think I had lost sensation in both corners of my mouth, not only the left side. This is my theory; I lost sensation on the left side of my lower lip, and the corner was also not working. But I had also lost feeling in the right corner of my lips, but didn't notice b/c the upper lip felt slightly dull and the right side of the lower lip felt fine. But now that the nerves are growing back, I am regaining some sensation in both corners of my lips and they feel raw. Like they were stretched and put through torture yesterday. It feels like there's a rash on either side. I know, not the best feeling in the world, but I'm still excited to feel something and to figure out what had happened.

I also have an almost constant feeling of a sticker stuck to the area just under where I can't feel anything on my lower lip. Kind of also on the edge of my left lower lip. And sometimes when I move, it also feels like there's a rash there. Increased pain, but growing nerves! Yipee!

Last night, by which I mean Tuesday, May 20th, I had the fullest meal since the surgery. I don't know if my stomach has grown smaller or if I never was able to finish a bowl of cold buckwheat noodles, Korean style.
It's called Naeng-myun, meaning cold-noodles in literal translation from Korean. It's like buckwheat vermacelli, so brown and speckled w/ teensy darker brown dots. I think they also pulverize the husks or something. It's pretty healthy, and it's eaten either w/ some spicy red pepper sauce (and raw fish, to make Hwe Naeng-myun), or, more popularly these days, in a clear, cold broth. Toppings of julienned cucumbers, pickled radish, sliced cold beef, sliced asian pears and half a hard-boiled egg cut length-wise are added as well as optional extra vinegar and mustard.

I had been craving the cold noodles since before the orthognatic surgery. But it was still way to cold to eat such a summery meal in March in Chicago this year. It wasn't spring yet.

I like the cold noodles and I remember a few weeks after I got home from my joint surgery, I my grandmother took my cousin and me to a Naeng-myun place. It was in Korea the summer I turned 14, and I was staying at my grandmother's place. My mom had gone out for the day on some business, meeting ppl and the like. I was left to rest. And at the neighborhood Naeng-myun place, my grandmother asked the waitress lady to cut my noodles into bits, explaining that I just had jaw joint surgery and couldn't chew. Koreans cut their noodles w/ scissors, and the waitresses come w/ kitchen scissors to the table and ask how many times you want your noodles cut, the standard is twice across, crisscrossed. She made mine into less than 1/2-inch pieces and when she left and we began to eat, I found that I couldn't use my chopsticks. So I used my spoon and drank the noodles and the broth, and I gave away my egg and the other toppings. I drank it all down and by the end of the bowl, my stomach was about to burst. Few people drink all the broth, b/c that is alot of liquid, esp. with the noodles and the toppings.

And last night was no exception, I asked for the scissors to be left with me and I didn't cut it quite so short, but I cut it into 1-inch pieces and used both my spoon and chop sticks to eat. It was really good, but by the time I got half way through it, I was really full. But b/c I had cut up all the noodles into such small pieces, I felt bad wasting it b/c my mom or my dad wouldn't want to eat the cut-up noodles when they had meat on the hot stone griddle and like 20 different condiments/side dishes to eat. So I ate most of it and I had indigestion last night.
And I was shivering and chilled b/c it rained last night and I had eaten cold noodles. And my right jaw hurt where the metal plate was screwed in. I was over-zealous in eating all my noodles. Never again. Next time I'll ask for a separate bowl and cut up only what I know I can handle. My lower right molars hurt too...I hope they didn't move around and hit the screws.
The pain lasted all night, and by this morning moved to my left joint and teeth.

So I decided to take it easy w/ food for a while. I keep remembering J's ordeal three years ago when her screws fell out and entire upper jaw detached. I don't want hardware problems and I don't want bone problems. And I don't like indigestion. It hurts and feels icky.

The irony of the moment is that I had this surgery w/ dreams of being able to eat normally in public afterwards but I just turned down lunch w/ a new summer associate I met yesterday. It's their 3rd day and normally I would've met every single one of them, but on Monday evening I had a migraine so I skipped the beer and wine social to welcome all of them. And I stopped by the two summers' office on our floor yesterday on my way out at 4:30 pm. I left early b/c I was tired and in pain. And then went out to dinner w/ my parents and over eat and over-used my jaws and even choked on the noodles a couple times.
So instead of lunch w/ the new folks, I introduced other paralegals and suggested that he go to lunch w/ them and some younger associates. I would have loved to have joined them and Kate, one of the newer associates, promised that in a few weeks they'll take me. But there's no point in me going and watching other ppl eat right now. I already started slurping my mashed potatoes and pureed chicken salad out of my trusty Zip-n-Squeeze. I had explained to him and the other summer associate, whom I met at our firm's Christmas party last year, about my jaw surgery but I guess he didn't realize that I couldn't chew either.
Oh well, in a few weeks I'll ask them to go to lunch and maybe then I'll be able to eat in public w/out getting curious stares.

I also found that I still clench my teeth in my sleep. My mom doesn't think I grind my teeth anymore, which is great news, but I am pretty sure I still clench. I've caught myself at it a couple times already in the half-sleep of dawn.

My left jaw hurts. Where the jaw bone curves up into the joint into the condyle. The curb throbs. I don't like leaving work early and I have to be at a meeting after work today, but things are hurting too much right now.
I'm also sleepy...I've been tired since I woke up this morning. Maybe MSG in that cold noodle broth last night?

Some Updates, Thoughts and Food Ideas

2008-05-17T17:10:00.009-05:00

Just some updates:

If I didn't insert spaces via "ctrl+v" then thisiswhatmysentenceswouldlooklike. I think when I drooled into my keyboard, my spacebar's link to the controls were zapped. Ooops. But at least everything else seems to work!
So, I type very slow now.

On Wednesday morning, after brushing my teeth, I noticed that my midlines have drifted about 2 mm away from each other. To me, it looked as if my lower jaw had shifted 2 mm over to the right. Right, BIG SHOCK. Huge Dissappointment and fear and anger at the situation. So I e-mailed my doctor while at work and waited...and he replied and wanted to see me on Thursday. Big relief. So at 3 pm, Thursday, I went in for an emergency follow-up. And the OS determined that it's only a shift of the teeth, not the jaws actually moving. I was so relieved. So I'll take a couple pictures to post. I took a couple pictures at work with my cell phone after reading the e-mail from my doctor, but I think I'll prefer pictures taken with my real camera.
Some more good news is that my doctor has released me to the pancake houses. He said I can try spaghetti and pancakes and the like. I'm pretty excited about pancakes. I haven't tried them yet but I can't wait! I opened my can of Spaghetti-O's today and was sorely dissappointed in the taste. I'm pretty sure I didn't eat it as a child and didn't eat much canned foods since my mom was a pretty good cook and a health-nut who didn't believe in canned foods for even occasional consumption when fresh-cooked food was avaliable.I now agree with her. I didn't then. But I really don't understand what's so great about Spaghetti-O's. It was pretty nasty and bland. I'll probably eat the other half later, but only after I find a way to remedy the taste, or the lack thereof.

In other news, I went to my first "social" event since my surgery on Thursday! Btw, Thursday marked week 6 exactly. I went to the Korean-American Bar Association of Chicago's Annual Banquet. I didn't drink any drinks or eat the dinner, but I had gone for the keynote speaker, Yul Kwon, the winner of Survivor Cook Islands. He was pretty cool and amazingly smart and insightful. He was also very driven, passionate and sensitive to many issues concerning Asian Americans. And I obtained his e-maile address. He's engaged. So it wasn't for stalking reasons, trust me. The lucky lady isn't Becky Lee (?), one of his co-Survivor friends. But it's for future networking. I let him know that I had jaw surgery 6 weeks ago so he doesn't think me speech-impaired. I find that I sound muffled even when I try to talk w/ my mouth open, etc. I ate the scalloped potatoes, mashed w/ my fork and I ate the custard filling of two fruit tarts, leaving two cookie-based tart shells and pineapple, kiwi and mandarine sections. I mashed a few mandarine sections and slivers of kiwi and they were so good...I miss fresh fruit.

And, I, Grace Ha, who never wins anything, won a raffle prize! A $25 gift certificate to some restaurant! I don't have it yet but Charles Kim, president of KABA and a partner at the firm I work for, also a fellow alumni of Duke University, promised he'll bring it to me on Monday. Yipee! I was so excited, I jumped up from my seat. My doctor had said earlier that same afternoon that I'm still ordered off aerobic exercise and similar activities. Jumping and running were out...but it was involuntary. I was just really happy.

...Updates on Sunday...

I tried, at the suggestion of another ortho-sufferer, vanilla ice cream with apple sauce! Deeeeelicious! She said it would taste like apple pie a la mode, and maybe so...I just thought it was great and tasted of summer. I bought Brown Sugar Vanilla ice cream. YUUMMMM....
I also tried vanilla yogurt w/ apple sauce. Less cold, less sweet, more healthy. It tastes a little different but still really good. Maybe w/ a dash of cinnamon it'll be better. I still haven't tried pancakes yet, but I think that'll be a real treat. Noodles were a dissappointment in the past two days, especially the canned Spaghetti-O's. Yuck. I think the over-cooked Udon noodles were pretty good and I even felt pretty full after eating just some of it.
I find that the space between my upper and lower molars is too large for proper chewing. Or maybe, my senseless upper teeth just can't do their thing well enough to masticate soggy food particles. Either way, I'll have to learn how to eat solids again. Kinda like a 2-yr-old.

Small Victory...or just a mile-marker. Some ranting and a little raving.

2008-05-13T12:48:00.004-05:00

I am finally done w/ my Doxy stint! I am free of the inhibiting morning-sickness and evening-sickness of the doxycycline hycate! Yipee!
It feels like a small victory, although approaching week 6 post-op, everything seems to go by at a snail's pace. I promised my friend that we'll return to that pancake house we loved before she moves back to NC at the end of June to write her dissertation for her doctorate. I heard pancakes are fairly easy soft-foods...once I reach that state. I feel like this pureed food stuff has gone on forever.

But a lady named "J" who's been giving me food ideas e-mailed me yesterday about her 3 surgeries b/c she was trying to get ahead of herself. She had her upper jaw operated on, and b/c she speaks to ppl for a living, went back to work 3 weeks and 3 days post-op and b/c she talked so much a screw or two came loose and that was really, really painful. So she had the smaller operation to remove the hardware (not sure how long post- first op). And then her jaw began to hurt again, and so she went in for x-rays, scans, etc and her doctor noticed her jaw was moving...of course a bad sign. And they thought maybe one side got detached in the back, but an exploratory proved that her upper jaw was free-hanging/floating and totally detached on both sides! So she asked for dissolving hardware and went in for surgery #3. It was a more complicated surgery w/ bone cadaver and paste and reinforcements. And she sat and did nothing for 5 weeks after that. She was on full bed rest, not even stuff on the computer...that was 3 years ago for her.
She told me to take it slow, only start on the next level of food when the doctor says I can and I feel like I can. I don't want to go through what she did...that's pure, hellish punishment.

I tried chewing a piece of jello on Sunday night...and that hurt/felt really odd and unstable. So maybe that's a sign that I need to lay off and act like I have no teeth for another couple weeks. Another lesson in patience.

When I tore ligaments in my left wrist and right middle finger, I refused to see a doctor for a month and lived w/ lots of pain and a make-shift tether for my finger that made typing impossible. And then I couldn't waste time w/ occupational therapy b/c I was going to trial for a whole month in Iowa. So by the time I finally started therapy, it was 2 months after the injury and was so scared my doctor would want to operate...so, as not to make things worse than they are...I need to have patience.
...ranting...
It's not that I miss food so very, very much, which I do, but it's more that it's an inconvenience to me. Like my life feels like it's being kept in an incubator and I'm only allowed limited supervised visits outside of this incubation.
I also don't want ppl around me to think that I'm being a total baby, which I sometimes inevitably act like. I am trying, but I can't speed up this healing process by over exerting myself and it's really hard on me and it frustrates me more than they can imagine. I look better some days, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to swell up again when the clock strikes 3 pm and I've been sitting for 5 hours. It doesn't mean that terrible punched-in-the-nose feeling isn't going to come back, which it inevitably does unexpectedly. And b/c I sneeze and yawn sometimes doesn't mean I'm better. It just means that I'm subjected a momentary increase in pain. I have to remember to keep my mouth open when I sneeze b/c it's less painful, but it's also messier.
I have to be cautious b/c I have to join society for some part of my day and if some unsuspecting person bumps me on the street when I'm feeling dizzy or unsure of my balance, then I'm the one who might fall and have to deal w/ the consequences if anything happens to my jaws/teeth. I'm not trying to be the pitiable nub-head who can't smile anymore.
I was told by two separate people today that it's sad to see me so subdued (and almost morose) b/c I'm usually so effusive and bubbly. I can't smile and I'm bothered by it. I try to ignore the painful spots du jour, but it's hard to ignore the fact that I can't smile when I talk to people. But lots of ppl have been asking me how I'm doing today, so I feel better, I feel like they care. So somthing to live for at work, eh? hahaha...

If only I can actually celebrate my birthday by eating next month...

...raving...
I guess this next bit is good news...Cigna told me they're taking care of the $40,000 hospital bill and I'll have to pay only $630 of that. They're actually paying only $24,500 and I guess they got the hospital to discount some things.
But I'm still holding my breath b/c that's only half the bills and who knows what Cigna's gonna do once my OS and anesthesiologist sends out their collection slips. I have no idea what it's going to be...it was a really long surgery, esp. for something like this. My doctor estimated 6 hours in pre-op and it went on for 4 extra hours. He could've done a whole separate surgery in that time! And if there were two anesthesiologists in there w/ me the whole time, it has to come out to at least $10,000 for their bill.
I hate suspense. In high school and middle school while all my friends were hoping we never got our tests back, I was the one wanting to see my grade and get it over with. I mean, if it's coming anyways, why delay and extend painful anticipation? I just want to see it so I can scream/yell/panic and find a way to take care of it asap.

drool and pictures update

2008-05-12T01:13:00.005-05:00

I was about to turn off my computer and turn in so that I'll be ready for the big day ahead. Given that I've burned through most of my paid time off (PTO) from work, I really need to gear up for longer days, if not full days, at work.
With my newly acquired Zip n Squeeze bags (4 extra-long puree bags and one shorter puree bag) , I think I'll be equipped food-wise to stay at work longer. I practiced eating two meals with it on Sat., and feel fairly confident that b/c the increased rate at which I can pump my food into my mouth w/ these things, I could possibly get more into my stomach before the gag reflexes hit, resulting in more consumption per attempt.

But the real reason why I didn't shut my computer off and go to bed was b/c I yawned (and I just read an msnbc article on yawning which told me nothing definitive about why we yawn...just new findings to buttress the fact that we don't know why we yawn), and DROOLED. Lots. Into my keyboard. I'm now afraid that the amount of saliva that has seeped into the space between the spacebare and the edge of the computer will be the death of this dear old laptop. Yikes. Already things are a malfunction i ng. I amgoing to CRY. `m,
At leastt the mouse is working. :(
But the space bar, backspace and enter are havingi`y] issues. And making weird noises. :( And randomly pulling up STrange commands like the all-caps and search tools.
`m
`m

The good news was that I learned how to get pictures off the cell phone and now have the pre surgery pics and the single post-op ICU picture saved on this here defective computer.

I am really sad about this tragedy. I wrote so many papers and random things on this device. Goodnight. The pasting of spaces between each word using the ctrl + v instead of the spacebar has become too hard.

full days at work?

2008-05-09T00:39:00.007-05:00

uh...I thought I was on my way. Until today.

I got in later than usual, not that I think anyone's checking right now, but still past 11 am when I had a noon meeting wasn't the best. The meeting was about improving the paralegal program in our practice group, one of the younger partners finally got fed up w/ what's not in place and ordered lunch for us to come in and tell her what we think should happen. I got excited, but couldn't eat.

They keep on thinking that it upsets me to watch other ppl eat, and they ask me about it. It doesn't really, b/c I know it won't taste the same to me. I know this b/c I tried sucking on small pieces of food that could only be chewed in the first few weeks and they weren't that good...I think maybe the meds were doing something to my taste buds. But b/c I don't feel anything on my upper teeth and roof of mouth, I also don't get the full range of sensory fulfillment that chewing food is supposed to give. I miss real food, but I don't mind that others are eating and I'm not. I'm not going to begrudge other ppl's ability/need to eat b/c I can't...yet. That's ridiculous and childish. Besides, I had my milk-and-powdered grains shake I could "eat."

But anyways, I got excited about the initiative she took to improving the program, esp. for ppl who had paralegal certificates and might be career paralegals, and who were considering moving to a different firm that have more structured programs and allows them mobility and better pay. This was my first job out of college, the location (city where my OS and OD and family are) was convenient and it was the experience I wanted to confirm my desire to go to law school. I knew the pay was crap compared to what I could be making somewhere else doing something else, but $ wasn't a concern. I don't know when I'll be able to say that again, esp. after I get the rest of the bills from this surgery.

But, to go on about not-so-full days at work. The meeting was about 2 hours vs. the 1 hour we thought it was going to be. We all got excited about the prospects, even knowing that I'll be gone by fall. And by the end I had a headache...that grew...into my mouth and cheek bones. So I couldn't stand it after 3:20 and called my mom to see if she can arrange for a pick up from the train station for me and I left. And I beat the rush hour crowds, which still scare me. But I was ill...I did the warm compress on my cheeks and jaw and my head for several hours and slept for some of that time. The headache lingers yet.

So, in conclusion, the full days of work will have to wait. I hope my boss(es) understand(s). I thought the increase in energy meant something, but I guess the socked-in-the-face feeling is back. Yuck.

Oh, and maybe a couple nights ago, I needed a teaspoon of the remaining tylenol w/ codeine to sleep...it wasn't good. I was so tired and "late" to work. I hate being the delinquent/weakling of the office bunch, I appreciate ppl's understanding but I want to be able to handle my share too.
No more stitches falling apart in my mouth, but they sure were pulling this afternoon when my face swelled a little more w/ the pain.

hanging threads

2008-05-07T14:58:00.006-05:00

Thought I'd report...on my ride to work this morning, I noticed a hanging thread inside my mouth. Just to the right of the corner of my mouth, just beyond the elastics...my doctor mentioned that my stitches were "coming apart" on Monday...I thought they'd just fall out in knots like the other ones did, not literally unravel and hang from the rafters. Sheesh.

But I can't feel it now, and I'm sitting at work...so maybe I swallowed it w/ my milk and powdered grains meal...

Oh, and something great I kinda rediscovered while walking through Costco w/ my brother on Monday: La Vache Qui Rit, aka The Laughing Cow soft cheese triangles!

I ate a triangle with a plastic knife today at my desk. Nice, eh? I cut it into thin slivers and slipped the knife into my mouth, and wiped the cheese off on my tongue. It was so good. I know, it's supposed to be used as a spread or what not, but I can't eat bread or crackers yet.
The other day, I didn't have yogurt with me but found some whipped cream cheese so I added a table spoon of that to my mashed bananas...it was different. I don't know if I'll do it again, but it wasn't so horrendous. A gal's gotta do what she gotta do for food.

I asked to purchase a 4-pack of the larger pureed food Zip n Squeeze bags from someone I found on the Yahoo Support Group. I can't wait! It's like the adult orthognatic version of the cool new lunch box.
I mean, I can now bring more than Ensure to work! I might be well on my way to doing full days at work. :)

I hope he gets my e-mail soon and sends it soon so I get it this week....ooooh....Zip n Squeeze.

Look at April 29th's post for today's thoughts and reports

2008-05-06T22:50:00.006-05:00

I posted those rough copies of my x-rays today, but it posted under the entry I started on April 29th. I'll add the pictures here at the bottom, but please scroll down to read the descriptions I added.

I'm still on a puree diet for a while so it seems like I'll need a few Zip n Squeezes. I'm going to buy some surplus from a guy from the yahoo orthognatic surgery support group. He's in colorado, so they won't be travelling from Cali.

Here are the pictures, go read the caption-paragraphs below the my One Month Anniversary Post. Good night.

One Month!

2008-05-03T23:51:00.005-05:00

I should've taken pictures...but not much difference from the past week. In fact, I looked more swollen this morning and I'm becoming more squirrely about my meds b/c I joined Yahoo's Orthognatic Surgery Support Group yesterday...

...and I asked about little red bumps (that I thought were tiny pimples at first) around my mouth and nose...and happened to mention that I started taking Doxycycline (hycate). And I got a reply from someone else who's having surgery in Sept. that includes the three procedures originally planned for me--LeFort 1, BSSO and Genio--told me that s/he's been taking it since Nov. and her doctor prescribes it to all his patients who has TMJ b/c even though it's an antibiotic, it stabilizes the joint. Well, she also told me that she's developed throat ulcers b/c of them b/c they can be harsh on the stomach and throat and must be taken w/ a full glass of water to make sure it doesn't stay in the throat and irritate it. Also, that taking calcium supplements or dairy w/in 2 hours of it hinders absorption. And that I shouldn't lie down for 30 minutes after taking it b/c nausea can get bad...and s/he was right. I've had stomach aches and severe nausea after taking it, and the capsule has stuck to my throat.

So I did some reading up on Doxycycline...and it's pretty strong, used for inhalation of Anthrax and malaria (and its prevention or travel under 4 months) and diseases like Syphilis and other STDs, Typhus and Lyme disease, and some bad, bad, bad strains of amoebic infections including fatally severe dysentery. And reading that reminded me of one of the worst bouts of dysentery I had, my senior year in high school.
I think I was out of school for at least a week, dying and running to the bathroom like every 20 minutes and was really weak and very dangerously dehydrated. I believe my mother was there at the time, but the lady who stayed w/ me during the week before my mom got to Kenya was a nurse and she ran to the pharmacy and got me an antibiotic. I took it, but noticed it was really strong and in my weakened state the smell of the pills was offensive. I don't know if it was the first time I took that pill, but it was maybe after the first or second dose, w/in 10 minutes of taking it, I had to go again and I could smell the antibiotic in the clear-liquid diarrhoea. I wasn't keeping anything in my body at the moment and certainly wasn't trying solid food so I went several times an hour, but it was very clear liquids and not too much of it either. I took small sips of warm water or tea or broth my mom brought me.
The whole point of this story is, that I remember reading the envelope the pharmacist gave/prescribed me, and it was an unfamiliar antibiotic. Trust me, I used to be familiar with all the usual types and often would self-prescribe to myself and to my dogs, this was Kenya and no one in our family was dumb enough to misuse our stock of everyday penicillin, amoxicillin, ampicillin, tetracycline and even Cipro. We had large brown bottles of the more common ones for our personal use as well as for emergency use on people we knew who didn't have access to doctors or pharmacies. We usually had missionary nurses and doctors we could call up in a jiffy to ask about dosing and prescribing, or if it was really serious case, had them come and check the patient out. Going on with my story, I hadn't seen too much Doxycycline around, and I believe the pharmacist had given me Doxycycline for my severe dysentery back then...and I smelled it in my liquid poop, b/c whatever I swallowed would go straight through me before my body had a chance to take it in. So I remember being worried about whether I should be taking another dose b/c obviously the last one didn't stay long enough to do much good...but then the next dose was supposed to be after 3 or 4 hours.
So, Doxycycline, we meet again. But this time, I'm not actually drying and dying in bed, just suffering and having mechanical trouble eating. Last time, the mechanics of food consumption wasn't my problem, just the functionality of my digestive system was in lots of trouble. Last time I didn't have to worry about venturing out into the equatorial sun and my skin being too sensitive to the UV rays, I was shivering and sweating under a blanket. This time, the sun seems reluctant to visit these northern part, despite it being May already. But this time, I know my nausea and stomach aches aren't caused by some dysentery-causing bacterial infection, but the pills that are used to cure such illnesses and to stabilize my Temporo-Mandibular Joint.
Great, eh? At least I won't be getting malaria or amoebic dysentery while taking this.

And, another almost-mile stone.
To celebrate my first month anniversary of my orthognatic (which I read literally means, "straight jaws") surgery, I tried to do my own laundry! Well, my brother was in a helping mood, so he helped, but I still had to fold and didn't get to it and threw a hissy fit instead upon finding my rumpled clean clothes strewn on my bed. It's a pet peeve of mine, b/c the whole point about laboriously folding clothes is so that they won't be rumpled when you pull it out and wear it. Folding rumpled clothes is dumb...and to remedy the problem, I usually just toss it in the dryer again to fluff it, but I thinkI might spritz some of the cotton shirts to help w/ the over-night crumples.
I cleaned the upstairs bathroom a little too, just like the old days. I did the toilet, scrubbed the sink and wiped the floors with Lysol wipes. I even wiped down the top of the toilet, toilet seat and tub ledge, but I didn't attempt the tub. My head didn't feel like it could handle leaning over and scrubbing after the other activities.

Excersize, or movement for the sake of excersize was attempted. I did some demi-plies in 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th positions. I also added some temps lies in 4th and did some tendus in parallel en croix and threw in some passes (properly known as retire). No ports des bras, just arms a kimbo not to complicate things...and just arms in second for the tendus in parallel.

I also went "shopping" with my brother, to Costco to pick up stuff we need...food. And I bought mushrooms and bananas and organic chicken stock for me. We also got more fresh strawberries which prompted me to puree the ones macerating into a wine in the fridge. Picked up 3 types of juices, one for making jello...which wasn't sweet enough w/out the extra honey or sugar...and some cottage-cheese cups version of Activia, but by Breakstone and Skinny Cow eskimo pies. Yum. I ate half of one of the chocolate ice-cream ones...the cookie part is actually soft enough to melt in your mouth! And Josh got nuts and gum.

I also cooked!!! I made some creamy mushroom soup:
Peel about 7 baby bella mushrooms and 1 small-medium onion. I run my mushrooms under the faucet...I tried to just wipe them, but these were so dirty I just did my usual peel-and-rinse, and rinsed the onion too. I sliced the mushrooms and half of the onion, wrapped the other half in plastic wrap for the fridge. I sauteed the mushrooms and onion in 1/2 a stick of butter in the soup pot. I know, it's alot, but the veggies sucked up most of it! I'm trying to eat calorie-rich foods, so I did the butter over-load, like Paula Deen! I then scooped out the mushrooms and onions and dumped them into a mixer cup (bullet-type blender) w/ about 1/2 cup of milk, and let 'er rip. I did it a few times to get it to a puree while I made the roux out of what little fat was left in the pot, which I did by sprinkling 2 moderate fork-fulls of flour into the oil and stirring it w/ my spatula-stirer. I guess one large forkful of flour will do as well. When I thought the roux was done-ish, I poured just a little organic chicken stock and brought it to a boil while I whisked the roux into it. Then I added my mushroom and onion puree, brought that to a boil and added more chicken stock. I then remembered that I meant to add garlic to my veggie mixture, and found a garlic pepper powder to season the soup, and then got creative and added a few dashes of paprika powder and some fresh-ground sea salt and fresh-ground pepper to taste. I used a total of 3 cups of organic chicken stock in my soup and boiled everything.
I found the soup a little spicy which I think might be b/c the onions might not have been fully cooked. But my mom didn't think it was spicy. Maybe my mouth is just super-sensitive. I meant to add the half of avocado I had in the fridge, but I think that might make the soup too green...maybe I will anyways tomorrow.

Yesterday, for the first time since the surgery, I took pictures of my meal. I had pureed a can of Chicken Noodle Soup, and it turned out an orangey-yellow color b/c of the carrots. I stuck half of it in the fridge and added about a quarter of a slice of provolone cheese, crumbled/broken into tiny bits and pureed that. While I microwaved that, I pureed three small clumps of yu choy (I think it's also called chinese broccoli?) with a little dash of milk. The greens didn't puree so well, but I tried hard and scraped it into the middle of my deep yellow/light orange soup and it looked pretty! It also tasted pretty good.

I read and heard from my cousin that pizza can be pureed...I don't know if I'm that desperate yet, but my family had Chicago deep dish from Lou Malnati's today and I took small scoops of soggy crust, some melted cheese and tomato sauce and ended up swallowing them b/c I wasn't able to break it down in my mouth.

I think that's it. A couple nights ago my mom asked how long it's been since the surgery and I told her it'll be a month this Sat, today, and she was surprised. Tonight she noted that I'm doing much better. Which is so true. I even cleaned the bathroom and went shopping and cooked a new soup for myself! I mean, I don't cook much b/c I hate the clean up and planning/prepping, but it was hard! Given, I took some breaks and a nap. I'm hungry again...whoa, it's 2 am and no longer May 3rd...so good night!

2008-05-02T12:27:00.002-05:00

I joined the Yahoo support group for Othognatic Surgery. And I realized a few things...again. Insurance is a b*tch.

I had really bad TMJ diagnosed when I was 11 yrs old, and had joint surgery when I was 14, and so my mandible was the size of a child's (I still don't have definition in my jaw line b/c the bones are so small) and the rest of my head & face grew to an adult size. None of my upper teeth touched my lower teeth, so all of my adult teeth were so sharp my orthodontist had to grind them down to prep for surgery.

I never bit into a sandwich as an adult w/out everything hanging out of my mouth b/c I couldn't cut food, I never chewed my food properly and put stress on my stomach. My lower jaw was so small my profile look bird-like (my nose looked like a beak), I often dribbled soup down my chin b/c I couldn't catch it w/ my lip, same with cookie crumbs. I took to only choosing food I could pre-cut. It prevented me from eating in front of people who I wasn't really good friends with. It had a negative effect on me as a young adult in the "real world" where impressions do matter w/ your bosses/peers.

And Cigna had the gall to say my surgery wasn't medically necessary, when I know they thought breast implants and reductions were. Is it more important for someone to eat properly for the rest of their lives, or had the right breast size? Is it more important for a person to be able to have crucial business lunch meetings with their bosses and peers or be admired for the shape of their hooters?...They caused me so many headaches, so much frustrations and even made me cry a few times (and I'm not a big tears person). I thought insurance was supposed to help us when we needed medical care, not add on stress and depression. So I hate Cigna, I don't know what other insurance companies are denying important operations, but I know Cigna sucks.

rough copies of x-rays

2008-04-29T23:57:00.006-05:00

I tried to scan in my x-ray prints...and the results weren't good. But thought I'd post anyways, and try to figure out a better way to get it from paper to computer. Color copy/scanning? Taking a picture of the prints with my camera?

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

I can't figure out a way to post this as today's post w/out having to re-write everything and repost my pictures....I started this post a while ago, but the x-ray photocopies were in pdf and I couldn't post them...I thought once I edited it and "published" it, it would post under today's date. Oh well...

Well, I finally got around to converting the pdf's into jpegs...of the bad copies. They'll have to do. Here they are.

The first is a side view, obviously, and you can sorta tell that there are metal strips/L-shaped things and screws in my sinus cavity...well, holding that upper jaw in place, and I also have metal plates and 4 screws holding those plates on each side of my lower jaw.

What's pretty obvious is the problem w/ my C-spine. It's not curved into a C, it's straight. It should be a backward facing C, but my ortho issues were keeping me from getting that addressed...maybe once the braces come off, I'll attend to that, b/c it's affecting my back. I had a chiropractor who said my TMJ issues may have caused the scoliosis (sp?) and my C-spine issue. He said b/c of muscle tenstion, I might have started to hold my shoulders/neck/back in a certain way to alieve some of the pain and then things got screwy. I also had joint surgery at 14, and since then my smile got scriniched to the right and the slope of my right shoulder changed and I have smaller tense muscles in my right shoulder. The surgery was on my right side...so it's very possible the TMJ could've started the slew of other back/neck issues. I know it screwed w/ my jaw/bone growth, but that's been operated on, so hopefully that'll be fine in another 6 months. :)

Now, the next bad, rough photocopy of my x-rays will show the lower ones better...the photocopier didn't do the gray parts well so either it turned out all white or all black so it's actually a very bad copy...better find a new way to show the x-rays more accurately.

I'm as proud of my x-rays as a tot is of her new bandaid...gosh, will I ever grow up?
heehee...

But, you can see the metal plates and screws better on the bottom. I thik that line above my upper teeth is the line that they cut my bone on. and you can see some of the metal plates (these are L-shaped) w/ some screws that's holding things together up there.

So, there, I've reported some pictures, finally...I'll try to get better pictures and maybe ditigal copeis of all this if the doctor will hand them over...I just hope they have it in jpeg format or something I can work with b/c the last time I asked for the treatment plan, a year ago, I was sent all these files I couldn't open w/out special medical programs...poo.

Well, still on a puree diet so I'm gonna go purchase some Zip n Squeeze puree bags to help me out. I'm always hungry when I'm not home. :(
I survive on juice and milk and pureed soups. Chicken noodle purees really well, and I tried Chicken Tortilla and it wasn't as smooth, but still the flavor was appreciated. I laid off the mashed potatoes tonight b/c I didn't want to get sick of eating them b/c that's one food I can eat in its "normal" form...that and silken tofu, which I mash up and slurp in w/ soup or bbq sauce.

Monday equals Follow Up

2008-04-28T21:21:00.003-05:00

And today, I got elastics, finally. And I AM IN PAIN!
I took pictures to remember which hooks I'm supposed to loop the bands around, and took them off to eat.
AND I CAN'T GET THEM BACK ON. I'm dead serious and dead scared that I'll have to call my doctor tomorrow and he'll yell at me. But the pain is kinda subsided now that the bands are off. But I don't know how to get them on. I thought I should be able to get them on and off pretty easily b/c he gave me a small envelope of replacement bands. But no, of course nothing can be easy with this surgery. Gosh! The insurance approval took over 2 months of nonsensical refusals that made me think they didn't know what procedure they were refusing and everyone I talked to said something different. Then the scheduling took like 1.5 months and then the date got pushed back twice so I was set to go on Mar. 6th, then Mar. 27th and finally happened on April 3rd. Then there were some complications during surgery w/ bleeding and so it took 10 hours instead of the 6-7 hours promised while I was still conscious (all jaw-related surgeries I've undergone took 1.5 times what they think is appropriate...10 yrs ago, for the joint surgery, mine had to be an extra-long 4 hour surgery instead of the average 2.5 hours). Nothing is easy for me. And now the pain...well, that's kinda normal.
BUT, the pain is more than any braces-induced pain I've suffered thus far. And I'm supposed to stretch the elastics out by opening my jaws and moving, which feels like the bone screws in my face are going to pop out and let my jaw crumble into my pie hole. Ugh. I can actually feel the gap between the piece of where all my upper teeth are stuck to and the rest of my skull above open up...and feel my right mandible about to snap w/t he pressure.
I'm sure I'm exaggerating, but it really hurts.

The funny thing is, b/c I have no sensation in my upper teeth, my lower jaw really, really, really hurts and I can just feel the pulling on my upper teeth with some displaced pain. Like in my cheeks by my nose. But the pain I can feel in my lower jaw more than makes up for my upper jaw and makes me sit quietly in pain. I mean, I'm so much quieter since the surgery and now I can't think of getting involved in anything happening around me. All I can do is contemplate how much of which pain killers I'll take, and when. So I'll be going to bed with my Tylenol with codeine elixir tonight, and probably to work a little high. Maybe I'll brave accusing looks (b/c I'll look like a druggie) and take it to work with me tomorrow!

X-RAYs
The other exciting thing about today's visit was the x-rays. My first set since the surgery. Maybe the last? I hope they take some more maybe like 6 weeks later to make sure everything ended up fine. B/c as of now, the chopped-up parts are not flush with the rest of my facial bone structure, the screws are doing a fantastic job of holding it all together is all. And I'm pretty careful not to let anything other than hot, moist towels fresh from the microwave and my own, careful hands near my poofy cheeks and senseless chin.
I like my x-rays. I counted 4 screws on each side on my mandible, for the BSSO, and 8 on each side for the LeFort, kind of to either side of my nose is where it seems. I'll try to scan in the print-outs my doctor gave me and post them once I figure out how to do that.

I hate what my skin's doing these days. I can't really be too concerned about exfoliating and other crucial aspects of skin care and it appears that my face has gotten very oily. Maybe it's the change in weather (which SUCKED today in Chicago! It snowed in certain parts, like near O'hare and was rainy and really cold all over. People pulled out their winter coats b/c it was too much to bear in light spring-summer windbreakers.). But I think possibly, b/c my body has identified my face as an area of trauma needing healing, there's a lot of blood flow there (or I hope) and other necessary building blocks for bones and flesh wounds. So there's more oils following that away too? And I can't deny that possibly, the Vaseline I apply to my lips might be spreading. But I need the Vaseline. It's part of my post-surgical routine, b/c my lips were so abused it needed some plain vaseline TLC. So hopefully the small bumps and the oiliness will stop soon, b/c when they appear near my lips or on my chin, I can't really feel anything but when I or the doctor pushes on them it feels like someone stuck a needle sterilized in fire in those spots! So odd, once again, that I can feel pain but nothing really pleasant.

Good news is that I don't dribble nearly as much now. :) Actually barely any dribbling! But still can't eat very much in any one sitting. It's a pain in the arse.
Today I spooned about 1/4 cup each of Stagg brand chili (w/ beans and beef), guacamole which I've been consuming religiously for vitamins, minerals and good fats, and that veggies-and-grain concoction I've been eating nearly daily into a blender cup and whirred it like 10 times. The stuff got really creamy and the small onion pieces in the guacamole were gone! It was a pukey lime-greenish brown...I'm not accustomed to all my food looking dubious. And it tasted fantastic compared to some of the stuff I've been trying to down, but I got through about half of it and I could feel the gag reflexes.
I figured that if I force myself once I get the gags, then that's it for me and that mixture. It'll be branded in my psyche that that concoction is nasty and makes me want to puke. So the best thing is to stop while I still think it's the best meal ever and take a break, maybe drink a couple sips of juice to clear my palate and wait for my stomach to be food-ready again. I think it works.

I had bought a can of Spaghetti-O's b/c I read that they can be swallowed w/out chewing, on some extreme sports forum on people who've had terrible accidents skiing down cliffs and doing other dangerous sports (like extreme ATV riding...like I was doing when I tore ligaments in both hands/wrists). These people were recooping from injuries from their activities but they were jaw-related in that they either broke their jaws, had to have their mouth wired shut or something terrible. I mean, I'm going through this b/c I couldn't use my teeth, chew or eat properly in public! They did this to themselves! So about the Spaghetti-O's...I don't think I can start eating that b/c of the elastics. If I succeed in getting them back on tonight, I'm not taking them off for anything.
The doctor had said last week that he'll give me a week off after today's follow-up, but he wants to see me again next week...b/c of the new elastics. Oh well. I guess I'll take next Monday off from work too. I have a legit reason, right?

Oh, and I'm supposed to start on some new antibiotics today that's supposed to make my bones really strong. Dioxicycline? Or something like that. I'll study the label when I take it...as soon as I post this!

tidbits

2008-04-26T22:38:00.002-05:00

new tasty spoonfuls:

I've done this before, but found out today that I can do variations of it by adding strawberries, and other fruits (& veggies?)
Our family is BIG into baked sweet potatoes. Just scrub them clean and rinse thoroughly so that there's no dirt on the skin (the skins have tons of vitamins and fiber, so you should try to eat them if you can...I can't right now). Then just cut off the tips (just like the point parts) at both ends, b/c that's where dirt likes to stick. And roast/bake in the oven at around 400 degrees Celsius until they're soft when poked w/ a fork.
Cool baked sweet potatoes.
I take one medium to large sweet potato that's soft to the touch, peel it (it should be very easy, as the insides shrink a little and the skin is already mostly detached) and toss into a blender. I add a spoonful of honey, to taste, so if you don't like to too sweet or don't like honey, it's optional. And add a dash of milk, I estimate about 1/4 cup to begin with, depending on how sticky or soupy you want your tasty spoonfuls. Blend together, pulse and stop to make sure the blades are getting to it. I need to bang the thing around and push it towards the blades, etc. a few times. Add more milk if you think it needs some help.
EAT with a dainty spoon.

I still get food all over my lips when I eat b/c I can't open my mouth big enough and b/c I can't stick my tongue out to lick up stuff, and if the food is left on parts of my lips that lack sensation then I just don't know about it. So I always keep a napkin or tissue or paper towel near by to wipe after each bite or every few bites. This is also why I can't handle spicy foods yet, my lips get burnt and tingly when hot stuff is left on it and it's painful on my yet-open wounds.

I want to eat more successfully.

The problem with me is that I can't really eat very much w/out getting those gag reflexes. I'm guessing that the cap is at 100 calories. I should try to keep track. But I know it's not even close to what used to make me feel full before the surgery. I don't know if I can finish a bottle of Ensure in one go, but I knew I couldn't since the day I returned from the hospital. That was almost 3 weeks ago (I came home on the Sunday after my Thursday surgery). I thought I couldn't drink a whole Ensure at once was b/c I could barely sit up for 10 minutes to down the stuff and I had even more limited swallowing as my face was so swollen it invaded the insides of my mouth and I could barely swallow my spit and blood. I was still bleeding for a week at home, from my nose, down my throat and in my mouth. I also had infestations of what I took as mucous, which indeed some proved to be when some of the bloody mucous came loose when I gargled (against better judgement). Yuck, right? Yeah.
This is why I despise most food that I try to consume. I try pureeing things and if I can't get whatever portion I had determined to swallow down fast enough, that's the end of that meal. I've eaten like 5 times today, but I don't know if I have 1000 calories in me today. It hasn't been a good consumption day, and I'm sitting here on my bed, occasionally glaring at the mere 3 teaspoons of strawberry-puree-infused sweet potato "tasty spoonfuls." It's taunting me but I don't have the heart, or more accurately, the stomach to try to finish it yet. Maybe in another half hour...when I should be getting to bed...with some water or juice to help it along.
I also started getting picky w/ my spoonfull of guacamole I mix in w/ the grains and veggies soup-puree I try to eat every day. I pushed out the onion bits w/ my tongue...they've been bothering me but I've been just swallowing them up until now. Everything's getting on my nerves when I eat. And the fact that my parents ate out and brought back some Chinese food isn't making me too happy...b/c I can't even fit one piece of anything into my mouth yet.

Anyone else who's had this type of surgery find it difficult to eat and keep food down?

all of April...approx. 3 weeks post-op

2008-04-23T22:23:00.001-05:00

So pretty much all of April spent on this orthognatic surgery and recovery...and I still feel as though I'll never fully recover. Maybe in a few years.

I am going back to work tomorrow. I'm a little scared b/c it's a law office and so naturally, things get tense now and then and sometimes down right hellish. I hope that won't be the case tomorrow, esp. b/c I don't even know if I can sit at a desk for 3 hours straight and work. I'm going in mid-morning to mid-afternoon. I don't know how long this arrangement will have to go on, but I was thinking a slow comeback would be best. Like easing into scalding water, or boiling a frog by slowly heating the water, not throwing it into boiling water. Part of my reasoning is that it won't be so jarring to the core of my being to ease into work, but most importantly, I really don't know if I can physically handle a full day just yet.

My lower front teeth really hurts alot these days. My upper teeth may hurt too, but I have no sensation in my upper teeth or the roof of my mouth so I can't tell.

On Monday, my doctor declared that my mouth looks "beautiful" and it relieved me to think that things went nicely. He almost let me skip a week of follow-up, but then thought better of it and said I'll need to come in for x-rays and a follow-up next Monday, but the week after that, I can take off. He said most of my stitches along the lower jaw fell out/melted away but I still have some stitches holding on in my upper mouth. If I lift my top lip off my teeth w/ my fingers, I can see a white stitch, like the tail of some small rodent hiding from me. All of the stitches that fell out of the back of my mouth a week or so ago were brown, and the ones in the sink when I brushed and rinsed were brownish-pink. I'm now wondering if they were blood-soaked and were forever dyed that icky color. But on the other hand, the one I can see in the front might be bleached by now, and it probably didn't get soaked with blood continually like the ones in the back.
I think of how for the first week and a half I absolutely needed to have a garbage can and tissues and paper towels or plastic-backed liners on or next to me all night long. And I would wake up like 5 times a night on average to wipe up blood that drizzled out of a nostril or ran in my mouth. It was like I slept so lightly I could feel the blood oozing around. Not a pleasant thought, but that was what it was. I remember the day after I got home, I was sitting in bed and turned and leaned a little and out of no where my left nostril had a heavy stream of something and I squealed for a tissue b/c my mom was in my room but it was too late and I ended up catching most of the sticky brownish liquid in my hand. And some got on my bed. Ick. It was not opaque, but it was definitely sticky, and though fluid it did not share the viscosity of water. I'm sure it smelled funky too. My doctor told me it was probably one the blood clots in the back rooms of my nasal passages that was draining. And sure enough, I had a steady week of nightly brown ooze from my nose. It was not pretty and it surely woke me up every night.
I also bled nightly, bright red blood. My nose in the mornings and afternoons would be filled with blood-boogers. I sometimes didn't realize that I was trickling blood out of my nose pretty constantly, but it was there every afternoon and morning. And I wasn't even blowing my nose b/c I was told not to in the hospital (not that I had tissues at hand or had the energy to blow through my nose). I didn't know when the ban on blowing my nose ended, so I still haven't blown my nose yet. I just rolled bits of tissues and swiped inside my nose to clear things out when things got clogged. Sometimes that didn't help b/c the clog was beyond the reach of any tool I could use.
But now, I can proudly say I need not have a rubbish bin and tissues by me when I sleep. I still feel more secure when I have a tsp. of tylenol with codeine elixir and a half-cup of water next to me when I go to bed. I still wake up every night whimpering with pain. Not a pretty look for a young lady, but what can I do? I can't eve lied down flat on a bed yet. I took a bath today and decided to dunk my head back and boy did that hurt my lower jaw...I have no idea why. And things hurt when the pressure shifts, so I still sleep on a sleep ramp created w/ pillows and cushions.
Oh, and on Monday, my doctor gave me a new prescription for an antibiotic that's supposed to help harden my bones. I'm supposed to take it morning and night, twice daily beginning next week for two weeks. So on to more meds.

In some TMI news, my bowel movements have become more irregular. I didn't go for about a week after the surgery, but then for the next week, I was regular with this sludgy not-quite-diarrhea stuff that was almost black and reminded me of slime. It took like 5 flushes to get rid of it too, quite nasty. But for the past week, the wastes have been getting lighter in color and more shaped. Tonight, things looked almost normal but still kinda dark and sticky on the porcelain, but I got smart and now line the inside w/ tp before I go, so things go down in one flush. Save water, save the earth. Go Green!

3 weeks in, I'm wondering what other ppl do for nutrition. I'm still on a no-chew diet, but today I tried some bits of noodles and a yolk of a poached egg. I made a ton of this veggies-and-grains thing in a crock pot that took like 2 nights of slow cooking and an hour pureeing. I'm sure under normal circumstances, I'll like it alot. But now, I can't really taste things well and it's just gross. My mom added milk, some butter and salt to it to make it better. And it's sweeter now, and though I normally don't eat butter (I don't act like I'm allergic, but it's not what I choose to add to my food either), I'm thinking it's helping me keep my weight on. I also took to mixing in a couple tablespoons of guacamole into this soup thing, b/c the lime and spices brighten the flavor a little. But I find that I have trouble eating, like I'd feel full after like half a cup of puree. I think maybe it's the extra butter and guacamole in there, b/c of the extra fat, my body isn't liking it. I feel like the gag reflexes I had my sophomore year in college is going to come back. When I was a sophomore in college, I had an internal gauge of when I needed to stop eating. I'd suddenly have a strong gag reflex and that'll be the end of my meal. I couldn't force myself to eat another bite, much like early pregnancy, or so I was told. I was just weak and my defenses/immune system was down and couldn't handle nutrition well. So I think it's a similar situation. I tried to add balsamic vinegar to a bit of soup yesterday, but I also added some olive oil and that too was too much for me. The b.vin helped me fool myself that the brown color was b/c of the additives...and ate quickly but my brain wised up and knew the color was already brown, just darkened by the vinegar.
I am trying to eat some Activia yogurt every day. I also drink chicken broth every day. It's the broth from two spring chickens boiled w/ lots of water, like $30 worth of fresh American mountain ginseng (which makes it slightly bitter, but helps w/ energy and circulation and healing), garlic and dried jujube dates. It's a variation of Korean SamGaeTang, which is a spring chicken stuffed with dried jujube dates, some ginseng, garlic and sweet rice and boiled. It's really great for cold winters and for mid-summers when ppl feel droopy. Mine doesn't have the sweet rice that cooks into a sticky, sticky ball b/c I can't eat it. So some good comes from having an OMD mom...nutrition and additional herbal help.

Confession: I lied to my doctor about my weight loss. And it was all premeditated. It's a pretty lame thing to lie about, I'm sure. But I got scared he'd scold me if I lost too much weight b/c he was stressing how I need to eat every time he came to see me in the hospital. He even came over to observe my first or second meal in the ICU, after my 24-hour ban from anything going down my esophagus. And he came to make sure I was eating once I was in a regular room. He said that I needed to eat and show him that I can take care of myself so he can release me from the hospital and know that I'll get better. And then the Monday after the surgery, my first follow-up visit, he again stressed how I needed to eat or I'll disappear and I won't heal correctly. So I had this idea that if I lost weight, then I wouldn't heal correctly and my bones will warp and my jaws will forever be held on only by bone screws and never meld w/ the rest of my skull. He didn't say this, but this is what I imagined.
So I lied on Monday that I lost 5 lbs, when I really lost more like 6-7 lbs. It's not like I lied about a 10 lb difference. And much to my relief, he said that's okay and he'll even be okay with up to 10 lbs. But then yesterday morning, I had a bowel movement and weighed myself while waiting for the microwave to heat up my bowl of slow-cooked, veggies-and-grains puree, and I was 8 lbs down! I felt bad about lying to my doctor. I even tried to sound like I was doing the best job possible about eating, talking about mashed avocados (the guacamole) and he lauded the quality of vitamins, minerals and healthy fats in avocados. He seemed pleased, and I felt good about the little lie. But seeing how my teensy lie turned out to be bigger, I felt bad. But still w/in the acceptable 10 lbs, right?
I weighed myself again this evening after dinner, before my bowl movement, and I had lost approx 7 lbs, so I'm good on weight. I mean, I gained 5 lbs just for the ordeal and took iron pills for 2 weeks pre-op! So I'm down to normal and it's not like I'm a feather weight either. I'm still w/in healthy BMI ranges. Actually probably more so now that I lost those extra 5 lbs I had gained.

So, if anyone is reading these posts at all, I'd love new tips on things I can slurp in with a dessert spoon. And maybe even portable foods that aren't too messy now that I'll be returning to work. I will definitely carry my compulsory bottle of chocolate Ensure Plus and eat a breakfast.

I tried the mashed bananas with nutmeg, cinnamon and vanilla yogurt that someone else had posted and it was sooo yummy! I also tried half a small banana with some chocolate pudding and cinnamon and that was almost like a banana split.

I think that's it...for today.

Swallowing Stitches and socked in the nose?

2008-04-19T17:01:00.000-05:00

that's exactly how I feel.

I meant to post this yesterday, but the internet was down and I was in too much pain to do anything about it.
Between yesterday morning and yesterday evening, something went really, really badly. I woke up with some groggy morning pain and discomfort yesterday, but I thought it would get better. NOPE! It progressed downward all day. For the past few days/nights, everytime I reclined at all, I felt a heaviness in my upper teeth/sinus/nose area. And heard some weird little pops and clicks. Yeah, not good, but things blow over, right? Once again, NOPE! I'm worse now than I was on Wednesday and Thursday. I ate significantly more yesterday than I did on Wednesday and Thursday, possibly even as much as ate both days. So nutrition should be decent right now, but I'm still lacking appetite.

And last night, I had soooo much trouble sleeping. Between yesterday morning and like wee hours of this morning, I've self-medicated more than I have in any single day in the past week. Well, I guess self-medicating is the wrong word, as I've been prescribed those meds, but it's also been suggested that I lay off the really strong stuff. But boy did I need that "sleep aid" last night. Even with it, I had fitful sleep if not whimpering in pain and awake.
So I feel like someone socked my nose while I was looking elsewhere. And I felt like everything I ate yesterday got clogged in the cavity between the roof of my mouth and my nose, extending to the back of my throat (or whatever is there). And I feel a bit of that right now.

Oh, and I also found out yesterday that I have absolutely no feeling on the roof of my mouth and my upper front teeth. I don't know what my back teeth are doing b/c I can't stick anything back there to see if they have any living, working nerves connected to that area. All along, I felt like I had burnt the roof of my mouth and hence was numb. But I never ate anything hot enough to burn my lips, okay, I did once, but didn't notice it was hot until it touched my tongue b/c my lips were lacking a crucial sense. Kinda like leprosy. But I never even once thought I couldn't feel the roof of my mouth b/c my tongue knew what it was touching I couldn't stick my finger in my mouth to feel around until I decided to move my jaws more yesterday. It was creaky and a little painful, but I didn't want to loose too much range of motion.

And yeah, so my upper lip might be doing great, but the inside isn't. Which also brings me to the fact that I think I swallowed about 3 loose stitches today alone. And I saw at least one trickle down the drain when I brushed my teeth and spat one out and preserved while at the sink. I have like 4 dried-out stitches I proudly fished off the tip of my tongue like a cat proud of her catch of mice. But it's partially gross and one of them stunk pretty bad and when I rinsed my mouth with salt water, there was a whole lot of wispy reddish-brown stuff that came out of the area that just lost the stitch. I think it might have been bits off of a blood clot where the stitch used to be.
And I'm having trouble brushing my right molars b/c it hurts so very much to stick my toothbrush back there. It's like I'm ripping open the inside of my mouth with a toothbrush. Yeah, it hurts. I can endure the pulling when I do it to the left side but the right side is a whole different monster. It hurts. And that one area on the left side of my chin that I can't feel anything? I think it's doing a Sahara Desert. It's expanding. I dribble alot and oddly enough, I can feel the burning of spicy foods left on my lips but the I can only feel tingles when I touch it. It sucks that I can feel pain but can't feel essential sensations.

I think that's it for today. :)

2 weeks post-op

2008-04-17T19:59:00.001-05:00

Hi all,
Noticed some folks updating the world about their jaw surgery progress and thought I'd do some of it myself. I'm horrendous about keeping up w/ blogs, evidenced by abandoned 'internet networking communities' and my xanga. But I'll try to keep to this.
So my surgery was 2 weeks ago, April 3, 2008. I had a LeFort 1 and a Bilateral Sagittal Split Osteotomy of the mandible (BSSO). It took a total of 10 hours instead of the 6 my surgeon estimated in the pre-op room or the 7 hours that I was told two weeks before the operation. I came out looking like they'd sewn gigantic waterballons into my cheeks and pumped my eyelids with industrial-quality silicone. IT WAS BAD. Apparently my dad took pictures of me with his camera phone when my parents came to see me in the ICU. I only remember that the corners of my lips were roughed up and red and as big as normal lips. It was like I had my lips on steroids and instead of tapering off into corners, there were ugly tubes on either sides, like over-inflated parenthesis.
My dad had also taken pictures of my head in the pre-op room after my doctor taped a surgical dishcloth on my head to keep my hair back. The shape of my head w/ the high pony tail under the head dressing was like that of pharoahs in their mummified goldend caskets. So my parents thought I looked like a version of Cleopatra, so loving in their description.
Essentially, I went in as a Cleopatra and emerged 10 hours later as a beat-up boogie monster. So yeah, two procedures, took 10 hours b/c I was bleeding significantly (tho not enough to need a transfusion, or maybe they just didn't tell me...but I'm sure it's like against the law not to tell me or my guardians of a blood transfusion). This was all on the operation table, so they decided to go back in, open things up, unscrew and clean up, and redo the procedures. So it took another half a day's worth of work. I wonder if they took a lunch break or went to the bathroom in between b/c 10 hours is a long time, but then I wonder if it's okay to leave a half-dead person bleeding on the table while they grabbed a bite.
So yeah, that's what happened. The swelling decreased to about half during my 4 days in the hospital. I went in on Thursday, was supposed to be released on Saturday, but they kept me until Sunday to finish a round of antibiotic treatments. So everything got pushed back a few days. But I was sucking up blood with my own handy-dandy suction wand all the way into Sat. night. So maybe it was needed.

I woke up on the table, and the first thing I saw was the clock and I thought I lost my time-reading abilities while on the table b/c I thought I was going to wake up at around 2 pm, but it read something past 5 pm. I think I asked what time it was, and remember remembering the word to describe what I felt like...nauseous. I remember being pleased that I hadn't lost vocabulary and used that word to whoever was listening. And my hip hurt, so I complained some more. I don't know if they understood me, but like 5 or 6 of them lifted me off by the sheet under me and slid me on to the transporting bed. I saw that they transferred my IV so nothing will pull that needle from my hand....and noticed that I had IV's in my left hand, where they had slipped the drowsy stuff as they wheeled me out of the pre-op room and made me feel blurry. But in addition to that, there was another IV in the crook of my right arm!
The elevator ride and trip through the corridors to my ICU room was like a really bad roller coaster ride. I was very, very sick and was sure I was going to throw up, but then being the weirdo thinker I am, I started reasoning with myself. "But I didn't have anything to eat or drink for the past 20 hours, of course I have nothing to throw up. ... No, I'm sure I still have stomach acid. That would be bad for the stitches in my mouth, and how would they clean me out? I'd hate to get stomach acid on my gown b/c I don't know if they'll give me a new one until tomorrow." And so on. And eventually, I came to my ICU room and once again, they transferred me on my bed, or so I think, b/c I was fading again. But then I saw my doctor, and some other doctors who worked on me come by, and someone brought my parents. I started noticing the pain and complained/whined and my nurse kept on assuring me that the doctors are ordering my pain meds. And eventually my morphine pump came, and she placed that in my rlight hand, pointed out my suction wand and what it's for, and placed the call button/remote system by my head. I don't know if there was another IV stringing from that other needle in my artery, but the next day, my nurse told me that pain on my right wrist, on the thumb-side was not only a pile of gauze but a needle into my artery. Great. I also saw that my right wrist was bruised and there was evidence of 4 failed attempts at sticking that needle into my right wrist artery. There was also that persistent pain in my right hip, and saw that that's where my catheter tube was taped. So I had a catheter connected to my bladder so I could leak out my liquid wastes and they could measure it all. How nice. But it was uncomfortable and even hurt when I moved.
So yeah, that's what I remember of the first day. Oh, and everything upset me. While they went and got my parents, before I had a morphine pump or knew where my nurse call button was, the TV bothered me. It was on and it made my head throb and so I lifted my right leg and waved it and cried, "excuse me" the best I could for half a minute b/c I clearly saw someone at the desk across the corridor. She finally got fed up and came to see what was wrong and all I wanted was my TV to be turned off. But that's when I noticed the catheter...b/c it was attached to the leg I was waving.
I'm going to see what I can manage to eat now...I only had one bottle of chocolate Ensure today and that's really bad. I need to eat more so I'll heal. :)

I can't wait to see the results in another few weeks! At my last weekly visit to see my surgeon, I saw my orthodontist in the hall way. He almost didn't recognize me. The swelling and all, I guess. And he asked me to show him my teeth, so I managed to pull my front teeth almost closed and he was very pleased! He said everythign matched up and he'll be seeing me soon. :) Yay for tweaking!